Is this normal or am I a crap mum?

[Cornflower2]

I'm a FTM to a 2 month old baby. This was a planned and wanted pregnancy and I was really looking forward to his arrival but now he's here it all feels a bit... underwhelming?

I feel protective of him and he's very cute sometimes but I never felt a rush of love when he was born and I'm honestly not sure I love him even now. When he's crying and fussing I get irritated and just want to put him down or pass him over to someone and walk away. I try to talk to him as much as possible because I know it's good for his development but it often feels like a chore and I wish he would bloody sleep more so I can have some time to myself. I read posts on here about mums enjoying lovely cuddles with their newborn and cherishing every moment and I'm sat here trapped on the sofa, afraid to move too much in case he wakes up.

The gist of my ramblings is - I'm just not enjoying my baby, or life with my baby.
Is this about average experience or an I unusually un-bonded with my child? Am I just a terrible mum? I have a good support network and supportive partner etc so help isn't an issue. I haven't had a full night's sleep since he was born but equally I get a reasonable amount of sleep for a new parent so I can't blame sleep deprivation.

I have two children. My daughter was easier and I probably bonded with her more quickly, I fell in love with her around 3 months. Until then, she was just a ball of meat that I needed to protect 🤣

My son was not an easy baby. He cried a lot, slept very little, couldn’t be put down for a minute. It was tough. I didn’t fall in love with him until gone 6 months.

I had no post natal depression, it just worked differently for me than the ‘rush of love’ you hear about.

I love them both VERY intensely now and wouldn’t change them for the world. They are my everything ❤️ but I wouldn’t revisit the early days for anything. Just didn’t like them. I love the toddler years, and most people moan about them…

My point being, not everyone is the same and sometimes you experience love and children differently to others.

I tried for a very long time to get pregnant and was so excited when I did, so was gutted that I then found it so difficult when DD was born. A pp said something about getting snacks and enjoying being 'nap trapped ' - I remember that being some of the worst parts of my day. I bonded when DD was about 5 m but until then I went through the motions every day and hated myself for it, but at least she was well looked after and interacted with. It will get better

I never felt that rush immediately with mine either. I expected it because people talked about it but it felt just like looking at a tiny stranger. I missed the baby in my belly because they were familiar to me!

At this age babies don’t really give anything back. The change for me was when they start to smile and laugh. That did give me the rush of love and it grew from there. Now if I’m sad I look at pictures of them to cheer me up. I absolutely love having toddlers!

There’s no harm in mentioning the way you’re feeling to your GP in your check up, or to your health visitor. My GP was great, and rang me to check in regularly until I felt more myself again. Hormones do crazy things to your mind and body!

p.s. it’s so good to read how other mums felt the same in the newborn days. It feels like a taboo saying you don’t like the baby days but it’s helpful to others feeling the same.

I didn't feel the rush of love either. Just a huge weight of troubling responsibility (I was desperate to protect dd and be the best mom I could, regardless), and a kind of mourning for my old free self. Maybe looking back I had a touch of depression? Nothing major. I had a very easy baby, which helped me through I guess. But I did not enjoy those newborn days.

I don't know when kneejerk responsibikity was replaced by actual love - I think it happened gradually, the more dd's distinct individual personality started to emerge. I almost think, for me, I couldn't fully love someone I didn't really know as a person.

Just because it took me a bit longer to get there, it doesn't make our bond any the weaker - now she is a gorgeous, headstrong teenager, we love each other like nothing on earth.

It's brave of you to admit to this OP, and it could be worth mentioning to your HV or GP, if you believe it's possible you could be depressed.

Oh, and congrats on the birth of your beautiful baby!

I remember expecting to have an overwhelming feeling of love and it didn’t quite work like that. It was like she was a total stranger and although I wanted to protect her, I didn’t really know her to love her like I did other people in my life. It just took a little bit of time.
Essentially, life had changed to be unrecognisable despite plenty of support around me and sometimes I just wanted some time to be my old self, but also didn’t want to be away from her for a minute. I think I did love her, just not quite in the way I expected to.

I wouldn’t worry about the rush of love thing. I have 3 children and I only got the rush of love with my 3rd baby. The birth of my first was traumatic and I felt absolutely nothing towards him for a good 5-6 months. With my second I slowly bonded over a couple of months and my third it was immediately. I love them all the same now. Fake it till you make it. It will come eventually.

Completely agree!

A lot of the literature about this rush of love sets the scene it happens for everyone, and it doesn’t.

My first wasn’t planned, and was with someone I hadn’t been with for long. I felt like they gave me an alien immediately after birth and was disgusted with everything, it was gross. I didn’t love him for quite some time and actually was really considering giving him up - all too much for me. Turned out I had PND.

Second child (same dad and five years into our relationship), similar experience but not PND. I just don’t like those early months/years. You run on empty and it’s exhausting! You’ll get there and make sure you look after yourself. 💛

I was the same as you OP. I just think some of us are less maternal, less gushing about it. We've had a great time as a family, but I was always happy for the kids to stay with grandparents or have plenty of time by myself. My rule was to keep them clean, fed and unharmed, walked at least twice a day in nature and read to as much as they wanted. Which was A LOT. Once older it's a focus on fresh air at playgrounds, which is very boring but makes for easier night times.

I bonded with my babies immediately and was madly in love with them but at the same time I could easily have handed over all the practical stuff to a nanny, and the best part of the day was when they were asleep (although my oldest never wanted to sleep 🤨). Basically I loved them absolutely but I found the actual ‘work’ involved completely boring. Everything other than cuddles and feeding was a chore. I was still a really good mum though so as long as you show love to your baby it’s ok to be bored by the practicalities.

I used to read about celeb mums saying how they loved every single second of motherhood and felt I must be awful and selfish for not loving every second, but looking back they probably all had nannies to relieve them of the boring bits. Once they’re walking and talking it’s so much more interesting.

I had two elective c-sections so had no trauma so bonding for me was a very easy process, but that still didn’t stop the feeling of finding aspects of baby care boring.

OP, I'm older now (51) and my children are both adults.

For me, all these instaperfect moments around everything from elaborate pregnancy announcements, 'gender' reveals, 'babymoon' (not even sure what that is tbh) etc are all things that didn't even exist before SM required them to.

There is a lot of pressure on new mums now to bounce back and be living perfect lives with bunting and balloon arches and all.manner of unnecessary and pointless bollocks!

I have a much younger ex colleague on fb who has a now 2 year old - it's been oddly fascinating to watch...

My experience was that I didn't have that rush of love or this is my new best friend experience either but I woke up one day when my son was around 4 months old and had a rush of feeling like I couldn't live without him. It took a lot longer with my daughter and, for the first year she felt like a baby I was quite fond of but more like a girl who was always there and I was responsible.for than part of me.

Like I say, they're both adults now and we're really close, but I certainly didn't sacrifice my life for them. I give them the space as adults to live their own lives and make their own choices and I'll never he one of those women posting after having a little cry because they don't phone me often enough.

Oh, and the early days are mindnumbingly boring.

And, yes, the comments about the baby being a stranger - that's exactly how it felt.

You're not alone, OP. It will get better.

Just posting to say what you feel is COMPLETELY NORMAL X

Things change so so quickly at this stage, your hormones are all over the place. Please do not worry about this, focus on you and giving him what he needs, the rest will come.

No rush of love here. And no one prepared me for quite how tedious life with a newborn was. I’m not sure when it changed but it was a good few months for sure, maybe as DS was approaching toddlerhood and became more like a person than a potato.

I found having a newborn boring and tiring. They get much more fun and going from 1-2 was easier than 0-1.

I had post natal depression. You sound just the same.Have you talked to anyone about it.
I didn't feel the warm glow thing until my grandchildren were born. At thst point it was beautifully wonderful. With my own children I certainly loved them but I didn't get the glow thing. I was too ill, exhausted and my husband was shaggjng someone from work so it was all awful really.

OP don’t worry, I felt the same. I didn’t get that immediate rush of love and I used to google if it was normal! Honestly in the first few years I felt exhausted, overwhelmed and bored. No one talks about feeling like this and people immediately jump to PND - while it sometimes is, sometimes it’s not, sometimes these are normal feelings and it does make you feel like a bad mum doesn’t it? But you are not!! I am now sitting with my 7yo DD and without a doubt she is the best thing that ever happened to me. They get better with age. That love will come and one day you will realise it was all worth it x

I have 4 children the rush of love didnt occur with all of them

Dd1 full blown rush of love felt hit by a sledge hanmer

Dd2. No rush of love it was more a matter off. Yes she is here and there is room

Ds traumatic birth he was 3 months old before before it dawned on me I loved him.

Dd3 no rush of love it was more a slow brewing of love that just keeps building.

I know my children felt loved growing up. I don't think anynof them have ever considered if I had that rush of love with them they just know we loved them and they felt that.

Babies are boring, annoying, gross, time consuming and a total energy drain. Whether they're even cute is debatable. There isn't actually anything at all to love about them. They're the worst people to have to spend your time with and be responsible for...except for Donald Trump perhaps.

Any love someone feels for a baby is either hormonal (mother and father) or manufactured and forced (anyone else) because "it's a baby!".

You haven't had the rush of hormones that puts you in servitude to baby. That doesn't make you a bad mum at all.

Love doesn't make a good parent, your actions do. Love just helps make it easier. You're doing it on hard mode at the moment.

The love will grow just as with any other creature you're stuck taking care of (and they start perhaps being slightly cool at some point...).

Don't beat yourself up or worry yourself. I bet you're doing absolutely fantastic.

Sounds normal to me. Life is hard. The small bits of joy and love will come with time as things get easier. They will be a minority of the time, but meaningful and the things you remember in decades to come.

From my experience, you are absolutely not a crap mum and it is all very normal!

I have a four month old, and in hindsight, when he was first born I didn’t bond with him at all. When people came round I couldn’t wait for them to hold him so I could be “hands free” for a bit, and I would always be like “do you want to feed him too?” I would read things from mums who couldn’t bear other people to hold their babies and didn’t want to be apart from them, and I felt so guilty that I just didn’t feel that way. He had his first overnight at grandparents at four weeks old because I was desparate for a good nights sleep. Some of my friends looked horrified when I told them this!

However, after the “newborn who just sleeps and cries” phase and the “weeks 5-7 where they just cry all evening with colic” phase… it suddenly hit me how much I loved him. I’d say it was when he was around 9/10 weeks and he started smiling. And then in the weeks that followed when he was much more alert, would smile loads, loved playing with his sensory toys and started to giggle etc. Hes four months now and I love him to bits, I miss him when I’m not with him, I want to be with him constantly, he brings me so much joy. I feel like the luckiest person in the world to have him! I’m sure this feeling will come for you too when your baby starts to do a bit more. Those first couple of months are tough. It won’t be forever. 💐

I had PND, I had other symptoms too, and felt like this. It took until 14 months for me to feel anything at all for my baby. If he cried, I felt like I could have just put him down and ignored him. I didn't, but I didn't feel any sense of needing to care for him. I did it because I knew I had to, rather than because I wanted to. I could have walked away and left him, not felt anything.

When the bond arrived at about 14 months it was really overwhelming. I cried constantly for days. I still feel guilty about missing, and not remembering much of that first year (he's now 2+2).

Way more people feel like this than us ever talked about. You're not alone. Do get checked out for PND. You may not meet thresholds for perinatal mental health, but do speak to your doctor.

Don't see it as being trapped on the sofa too afraid to move. Reframe it as all the time in the world to watch tv with a toasty warm baby to cuddle.

Dc are 12 and 10 now and there are still plenty of days I would like to walk away 😅 that is just a normal reaction to your life being turned upside down by a small person who doesn't give a huge amount back yet!

For me, I think real love came around 4 months when I wasn't so anxious about them and they started smiling. There are a lot of assumptions about parenthood that when they don't happen, they make us feel like we're doing something wrong. For me, it was when the NCT leader said that the baby snuffles up to your nipple like a hedgehog and latches on. Then breastfeeding was a nightmare for me - agonising and difficult - and I felt like a terrible mother. I also remember the actual birth and what happened to my body after baby 1 being a massive shock. Just get through day by day and things will get easier.

Second this. I had one traumatic birth and one lovely birth, the bonding experience after was completely different for me.

Op I was exactly the same. Traumatic birth and I just couldn't connect with my son. It was a gradual process. He's now 20 and we are closer now