Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH "betrayed" by vibrator

63 replies

Nancylancy · 29/11/2025 23:44

Name changed for this.
My marriage hasn't been great for a while, DH has a tendency to be moody / grumpy and things seemed to get worse as the crap weather and dark evenings have started.
We spoke a few months ago about maybe getting some new sex toys to spice up our sex life. I had a look online, and a few weeks on I decided to get one of those rose things. It arrived, I tried it, great.
DH started getting more moody, so I didn't bother introducing him to it and we probably havent had sex for around a month at this point (we are usually about once a month). I've since used it a few times on my own to see what it was like, with the intention of introducing it to sex once I'd got the hang of it myself.
DH did try to initiate sex a couple of weeks later, but I had a yeast infection so we couldn't.

Things seemed to spiral with his mood, I haven't wanted to go near him as he's been fucking unbearable and we basically have been avoiding each other until he's finally come home tonight and spilled all his feelings to me.

He found the toy, and felt hurt I had kept it secret. He knew I'd been using it, but he never let on, nor did he try to initiate anything more than that once. He's hurt that I apparently prefer it over him, and that despite him communicating a need, I still decided to fly solo. "Betrayed" was the word he used - he says more because of the secrecy rather than the fact I got it and used it without him.

To complicate things further, the reason he didn't talk to me about it was due to me having some bad news I've been dealing with, so he was trying not to put anything on me. But as a result, he's not been able to contain his feelings, which have led to weeks of coldness and distance at a time I needed him to be supportive.

I genuinely don't know whether to be absolutely fucking raging, or whether to try and understand his feelings and reassure him. I said I won't apologise as I categorically have done nothing wrong, but are his feelings still valid? Should I have told him I'd bought it (bearing in mind our earlier conversation about getting something for us both to use?) would you be upset if a partner did this?

He has taken accountability and apologised for the way he's been acting and there's no doubt he should have communicated how he felt somehow. But at the same time, I just want to scream what the actual fuck. I don't have to fucking tell you about when I want to masturbate.

OP posts:
Breadandbutta · 29/11/2025 23:47

I don't think yabu, but also I know my DH would hold the same opinion as your DH.

mzpq · 29/11/2025 23:48

Weird isn't it?

There's been so many threads over the years from MNetters complaining that they 'caught' their DP's masturbating or that they 'suspected' them of doing so.

No-one owns your body but you.

HardworkSendHelp · 29/11/2025 23:49

I can’t vote as I can see both sides of the argument and both are valid

PinkPonyClubDancer · 29/11/2025 23:51

So he never masturbates?

Pearlmaster500 · 29/11/2025 23:52

Reminds me of that video of Peter Andre in the car with Kate when he starts acting like a fucking weirdo because she’s been using a sex toy while he’s been away.

Not sure with this one OP, maybe he’s feeling insecure he found the toy and you kept it a secret. If my other half did that I’d probably think oh am I not good enough that you have to use this in secret? But at the same time it’s no one’s business about you masturbating. Have you thought about couples therapy? Why’s he so miserable?

Runningismyhappyplace50 · 29/11/2025 23:53

I think your DHs reaction is OTT but you probably should have mentioned it but you certainly don’t need to tell him when you use it.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 29/11/2025 23:54

So you want to get your rocks off, you're just not particularly bothered about doing it with him. Looked at it like that way I can understand why he's not best pleased.

QBTheRoundestOfBees · 29/11/2025 23:59

I think if your marriage had been in a good place, you would have chatted about it and you would have mentioned that you got it.
So the issue is not so much that you bought a vibrator and used it without him, it’s that your marriage is not in a good place. So any anxiety he feels about the vibrator is not so much you used a sex toy without him, it’s probably more that the marriage is not in a good place and that’s why you were getting sex toys in the first place. Even though you discussed this, I don’t think that matters so much because the discussion started from a point of - things are a bit shit, maybe this will help.
So I guess he sees it as the sex toy helps you but cuts him out more, and you see his upset as a violation of your privacy and a control of your autonomy (which it is).

Original poster
Nancylancy · 29/11/2025 23:59

Pearlmaster500 · 29/11/2025 23:52

Reminds me of that video of Peter Andre in the car with Kate when he starts acting like a fucking weirdo because she’s been using a sex toy while he’s been away.

Not sure with this one OP, maybe he’s feeling insecure he found the toy and you kept it a secret. If my other half did that I’d probably think oh am I not good enough that you have to use this in secret? But at the same time it’s no one’s business about you masturbating. Have you thought about couples therapy? Why’s he so miserable?

Yeah, I've been on about doing it for a while now, we're both open to some relationship counselling.
We've always had a slight libido difference, but I'm much more reserved when it comes to sex and I literally never tell him when I masturbate. So to me, it feels no different and tbh I didn't even think it mattered that I hadn't told him about the purchase yet. And had he not been such an arse, I'd have probably introduced it to him by now (it's great 😂) but I haven't really wanted to be in the same room as him, let alone sleep with him!

As for the moodiness - he's just generally a pretty grumpy person. He's very much the pessimist in general, but this was a level above. It feels like a bit of a catch 22 as he says he was only so moody because he had discovered my "betrayal", but then because he was so moody I didn't want to have sex with him - so never told him / involved him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Nancylancy · 30/11/2025 00:00

QBTheRoundestOfBees · 29/11/2025 23:59

I think if your marriage had been in a good place, you would have chatted about it and you would have mentioned that you got it.
So the issue is not so much that you bought a vibrator and used it without him, it’s that your marriage is not in a good place. So any anxiety he feels about the vibrator is not so much you used a sex toy without him, it’s probably more that the marriage is not in a good place and that’s why you were getting sex toys in the first place. Even though you discussed this, I don’t think that matters so much because the discussion started from a point of - things are a bit shit, maybe this will help.
So I guess he sees it as the sex toy helps you but cuts him out more, and you see his upset as a violation of your privacy and a control of your autonomy (which it is).

This is a very helpful perspective, thank you. I think you've summed it up nicely.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/11/2025 00:02

Well of course his feelings are valid, if that’s how he feels then it’s how he feels. But you haven’t done anything wrong, other than you both need to work on your communication with each other

Dontlletmedownbruce · 30/11/2025 00:03

My first read is that he is being unreasonable but then I'm thinking this is something people have different views on. Many times I've seen women on here describe men as vile and disgusting for doing what you did, some see it akin to cheating. I don't personally hold that view but it's not an uncommon one.

Poppingby · 30/11/2025 00:16

I think it's great it has come out and he's told you how he's feeling. That's the start of loads of conversations you can have about everything even if you don't like what he said. Just answer him honestly. It is rubbish he felt crap about it but he did and he can't help that. Now you can tell him how you were feeling. Try not to be too angry/defensive because it's less effective than calmly saying what you feel, if you can.

PInkyStarfish · 30/11/2025 00:24

I can’t really see this relationship going anywhere but downwards as you both carry a lot of bitterness and resentment towards each other.

Kimura · 30/11/2025 00:55

I expect if your sex life was going all guns blazing he wouldn't care. What's upset him is that you're not having regular sex, you'd talked about getting some toys together to spice thing up, then you've used them without him.

'Betrayal' is a bit dramatic - but I can understand why he'd feel a bit shunned.

The real issue sounds like the reason you're not intimate is his moods.

BauhausOfEliott · 30/11/2025 01:09

Nobody needs to tell their partner when they’ve had a wank. It’s absolutely nobody else’s business. No exceptions.

Jollyjoy · 30/11/2025 01:16

As others have said, you’ve done nothing wrong, and it’s easy to see why he’s feeling hurt and drawn the conclusions he’s drawn. I hope once you’ve explained that you had plans to involve him that helps how he was feeling. But like you say, you are free to use it without him too. I’d try not to get too angry at him if you can - just be glad issues are getting brought to the surface and that he can explain and apologise for how he has been behaving. Let’s hope the talking continues.

PrincessofWells · 30/11/2025 01:20

Honestly? It shouldn't be this difficult this early on in a marriage. The moodiness etc won't get any better - bin him.

TealSapphire · 30/11/2025 01:22

So you've been dealing with bad news and needed his support, but he's been cold and distant because he's sulking about a sex toy?! I mean, he's shown his priorities very clearly.

Barnbrack · 30/11/2025 01:23

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 29/11/2025 23:54

So you want to get your rocks off, you're just not particularly bothered about doing it with him. Looked at it like that way I can understand why he's not best pleased.

What? Having an orgasm solo is a very different thing to having sex, you can want one without wanting the other

InterestedDad37 · 30/11/2025 01:47

Ask him if he ever has a wank. And whether or not you should feel betrayed by his hand.
Then tell him to get a reality check.

Pearlmaster500 · 30/11/2025 09:35

Nancylancy · 29/11/2025 23:59

Yeah, I've been on about doing it for a while now, we're both open to some relationship counselling.
We've always had a slight libido difference, but I'm much more reserved when it comes to sex and I literally never tell him when I masturbate. So to me, it feels no different and tbh I didn't even think it mattered that I hadn't told him about the purchase yet. And had he not been such an arse, I'd have probably introduced it to him by now (it's great 😂) but I haven't really wanted to be in the same room as him, let alone sleep with him!

As for the moodiness - he's just generally a pretty grumpy person. He's very much the pessimist in general, but this was a level above. It feels like a bit of a catch 22 as he says he was only so moody because he had discovered my "betrayal", but then because he was so moody I didn't want to have sex with him - so never told him / involved him!

Show quote history

Absolutely go for it if you’re both open.. it’s usually one party won’t go so honestly I’d take that and run!! I’ve heard it can do a world of good for relationships.

I think it probably comes down to the lack of sex and then you masturbating in secret (not that this is wrong but just to pinpoint the issue). If he’s sensitive it could be a am I not good enough thing I reckon. Have you said to him if he was a bit more upbeat you might be a bit more inclined to do it? Do you go out and do things together? Maybe try a date night have a nice evening together and it might spur on the moment a bit.. if all else fails I’m not sure where you’d go with the relationship

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/11/2025 09:47

What kind of pathetic manbaby have you married, you poor, poor woman?

For contrast, my now husband took me shopping to my favourite sex shop about 18 months into our relationship and bought me about £350 worth of toys. Including a WeVibe, a Hitachi Wand and various lubes.

My Hitachi is the most amazing thing I own! Neither I nor DH could get me off manually the way the Hitachi can. I lose count at about 25, not even joking.

An emotionally intelligent and good man would love seeing you get off.

This guy sounds pathetic and my vagina is drying up just thinking about his whining.

VoodooQualities · 30/11/2025 10:04

^ 🙄 honestly what makes some people come into a thread like this and boast about how amazing their life is compared to the OP's

OP - your husband needs to fix his moodiness first and foremost, because that'll just grind you down if it continues. I don't know how you'll do that I'm afraid, from your posts it seems like that's just who he is. Maybe the couples therapy will stop him bottling things up.

The sex toy 'betrayal', well I can sort of see it from his pov - you aren't having sex with him but you've bought something that (1) shows you do get horny and you do still like sex... just not with him, and (2) gives you fab orgasms he (thinks he) couldn't give you.

All that becomes totally invalid if he's wanking off to porn of course.

Original poster
Nancylancy · 30/11/2025 10:16

The moodiness is a long-standing issue that has caused problems in the past. We've had counselling before too, so tbh I'm not sure if things will change on that front.
The silence and withdrawal towards me, without telling me why, when i had just found out my mum is dying is something I'm not sure I can get past. Even though I understand what some of you are saying about seeing his POV.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread