DH "betrayed" by vibrator

[Nancylancy]

Name changed for this.
My marriage hasn't been great for a while, DH has a tendency to be moody / grumpy and things seemed to get worse as the crap weather and dark evenings have started.
We spoke a few months ago about maybe getting some new sex toys to spice up our sex life. I had a look online, and a few weeks on I decided to get one of those rose things. It arrived, I tried it, great.
DH started getting more moody, so I didn't bother introducing him to it and we probably havent had sex for around a month at this point (we are usually about once a month). I've since used it a few times on my own to see what it was like, with the intention of introducing it to sex once I'd got the hang of it myself.
DH did try to initiate sex a couple of weeks later, but I had a yeast infection so we couldn't.

Things seemed to spiral with his mood, I haven't wanted to go near him as he's been fucking unbearable and we basically have been avoiding each other until he's finally come home tonight and spilled all his feelings to me.

He found the toy, and felt hurt I had kept it secret. He knew I'd been using it, but he never let on, nor did he try to initiate anything more than that once. He's hurt that I apparently prefer it over him, and that despite him communicating a need, I still decided to fly solo. "Betrayed" was the word he used - he says more because of the secrecy rather than the fact I got it and used it without him.

To complicate things further, the reason he didn't talk to me about it was due to me having some bad news I've been dealing with, so he was trying not to put anything on me. But as a result, he's not been able to contain his feelings, which have led to weeks of coldness and distance at a time I needed him to be supportive.

I genuinely don't know whether to be absolutely fucking raging, or whether to try and understand his feelings and reassure him. I said I won't apologise as I categorically have done nothing wrong, but are his feelings still valid? Should I have told him I'd bought it (bearing in mind our earlier conversation about getting something for us both to use?) would you be upset if a partner did this?

He has taken accountability and apologised for the way he's been acting and there's no doubt he should have communicated how he felt somehow. But at the same time, I just want to scream what the actual fuck. I don't have to fucking tell you about when I want to masturbate.

If a man was looking at porn and refusing sex with his DW most people would say he was unreasonable.

I think its fine to masturbate, its fine to have a sex toy. But your partner finding a secret toy i can see an issue with. And whilst I understand all the "enjoy it myself... before introducing it" but thats your rationale he knew nothing about. Hes just being pushed away for a silicone rose.

From his perspective: youve had some bad news so hes tried to be considerate, hes initiated sex and been rebuffed (regardless of the reason) and then found a secret new sex toy. And it sounds like the issue is the secrecy and rebuffing him for maturbation opposed to anything else because your OP says "some new sex toys" implying you already have some hes aware of and ok about.

So I think its not about being overly apologetic or raging. Just tell him what you said in your OP and maybe say sorry if that came across as inconsiderate.

Actually !

Haha I'm watching t.v. as well , I should have wrote Exactly !

I see this from both sides. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong at all, it’s your body and you shouldn’t have to tell anyone what you do.
but, you haven’t had sex in over a month, you don’t seem to have a lot of sex anyway and he sees the vibtator as a replacement to him and his hurt and worry has spilled into moodiness, which he recognises and that’s a good starting point.
maybe have some better communication, but neither of you are wrong as such

Tbh I’d stick with the vibrator over the grumpy DH who doesn’t think you should be orgasming without him.

You complain he wasn't communicating about things well neither were you..If you can't get that right in marriage don't expect everything else to be right either.

Ultimately, a relationship isn’t a court of law, attributing fault and awarding compensation.

If you want to stay married, you have to communicate in a positive and sympathetic way, which the OP sounds like she has done.

The only think point scoring will achieve is further alienation.

Human beings aren’t automatons and often feel negative emotions, especially in tough times in relationships. The solution is listening and understanding (from both sides).

No-one has the right to dictate how and when someone masturbates.

I’m sorry OP. I can just imagine your husbands attitude and, quite simply, it stinks. Sure, he can feel betrayed or whatever that you used a toy, but really he should have enough resolve not to feel like that. Frankly he sounds a bit wet, emotionally manipulative when you’ve been going through a tough time, and self involved.

good luck but I think I’d be putting this as one of the black dots by his name.

It depends if he is someone who is open-minded to try new things for a great sex life and makes sure you have an orgasm when you have sex. I think if he makes you feel you don’t get there quick enough or has a quickie and wraps it up then and there and leaves you unsatisfied, then I can understand keeping the new sex toy a secret. But if he is a caring partner about these things then I can understand he would feel he has a rival.

Masturbating is not the same as sex. It’s also not a replacement. Sometimes you can want to masturbate but not want to have sex.

you can masturbate and still want and need sex from your partner. It’s not either or?

how can you want to have sex with someone who is moody and miserable.

they’re two separate issues. And it’s not betrayal.

knowing you’ve had such devastating news about a parent and acting the teenager is so self serving and childish.

Extremely emotionally manipulative. And coming up with betrayal angle because he knows his behaviour during such a tough time is rank.

Thanks for the link, Unfortunately I can't seem to scroll down to read it.