DH "betrayed" by vibrator

[Nancylancy]

Name changed for this.
My marriage hasn't been great for a while, DH has a tendency to be moody / grumpy and things seemed to get worse as the crap weather and dark evenings have started.
We spoke a few months ago about maybe getting some new sex toys to spice up our sex life. I had a look online, and a few weeks on I decided to get one of those rose things. It arrived, I tried it, great.
DH started getting more moody, so I didn't bother introducing him to it and we probably havent had sex for around a month at this point (we are usually about once a month). I've since used it a few times on my own to see what it was like, with the intention of introducing it to sex once I'd got the hang of it myself.
DH did try to initiate sex a couple of weeks later, but I had a yeast infection so we couldn't.

Things seemed to spiral with his mood, I haven't wanted to go near him as he's been fucking unbearable and we basically have been avoiding each other until he's finally come home tonight and spilled all his feelings to me.

He found the toy, and felt hurt I had kept it secret. He knew I'd been using it, but he never let on, nor did he try to initiate anything more than that once. He's hurt that I apparently prefer it over him, and that despite him communicating a need, I still decided to fly solo. "Betrayed" was the word he used - he says more because of the secrecy rather than the fact I got it and used it without him.

To complicate things further, the reason he didn't talk to me about it was due to me having some bad news I've been dealing with, so he was trying not to put anything on me. But as a result, he's not been able to contain his feelings, which have led to weeks of coldness and distance at a time I needed him to be supportive.

I genuinely don't know whether to be absolutely fucking raging, or whether to try and understand his feelings and reassure him. I said I won't apologise as I categorically have done nothing wrong, but are his feelings still valid? Should I have told him I'd bought it (bearing in mind our earlier conversation about getting something for us both to use?) would you be upset if a partner did this?

He has taken accountability and apologised for the way he's been acting and there's no doubt he should have communicated how he felt somehow. But at the same time, I just want to scream what the actual fuck. I don't have to fucking tell you about when I want to masturbate.

Because one is normal and the other is batshit. Sometimes you need to understand what is acceptable and what isn't.

I can’t vote either. Obviously it’s fine to use the toy but I do think your husband as soon as it arrived before using it together…

A lot of people have weird ideas about possessing someone else's sexuality just because they're in a relationship with them.

I've felt like I've wandered into some purity culture website on MN sometimes when women are feeling betrayed at their partner masturbating or looking at women with big tits on Tiktok.

And vice versa.

Tell him the truth, you have a sex drive that you’d rather fulfil on your own at the moment.
It’s not unreasonable to not feel sexually attracted to someone who talks to everyone like shit.
He is responsible for getting help for his mental health not you.
I wouldn’t want to have sex with a man like this either.

I'd be more concerned that he'd very obviously been snooping around in my personal space! (Unless you left it on show!) My sex toys are in my bedside drawer and not obvious when the drawer is opened.
My husband knows I have them and use them solo. It's not a problem. I think you have an other half problem, which is bigger than the sex toys to be honest!

I think a couple of posters have given you some good advice. But, too many others are too keen to condemn and not keen enough to understand.

My take is that many men invest a lot of their ego in their sexual abilities and, if this is challenged, it is a blow. Before we go with the ‘poor menz’, I think many women (and increasingly men too these days) base a part of their ego on their attraction, which is why so many are hurt by partners looking at other women masturbating over them.

So, although in an ideal world, jealousy over this kind of thing shouldn’t exist, in the real world it always will.

And people need reassurance, especially if a relationship is already tricky. I think it is great you got a vibrator and enjoyed it! But you shouldn’t have kept it a secret. You could have said I am enjoying my vibe but can’t wait to use it together, or something like that.

You are right that, morally or ethically, you have nothing to apologise for, but sometimes the only good thing about being right is being right! What harm would it have done to have an open and honest discussion about being still attracted to your husband, but the marriage being in a difficult place.

Ultimately you both need to decide what outcome you want (him too! He has got nothing positive from his reaction) in your relationship and work towards it. Point scoring just won’t help.

I'd be telling miseryguts that the vibrator is, literally, a lot more fucking use than he is.

The idea that he somehow ‘couldn’t help’ treating you nastily because he was suppressing his feelings because of difficult things you had going on is sexist bollocks. He chooses to treat you nastily.

I think it's fairly simple. If a) he never masturbates and b) he weren't being a grumpy arse and giving you the silent treatment, then his reaction might be considered vaguely understandable (though still not really reasonable). If not, then he is being totally unreasonable.

I really don’t think it’s any of his business tbh. My Dh has a low sex drive and I was thinking of getting myself something. I would hate to be criticised for it. I don’t understand why anyone would think they could tell anyone what they can and cannot do with their own body. Your relationship isn’t great, sex is just once a month but you aren’t allowed to use a toy? Seems a bit out of order to me.

Sorry am I in a parallel world ..

Her mother is dying.
He prioritised his ego and sex over looking after his wife...

And she's supposed to understand that?

No. He's being a dick and a shit husband. She shouldn't have to understand. She shouldn't try to

She needs to understand why the man who she married, who is meant to be there for her....has prioritised his ego and getting his dick wet over her pain....

As someone who is in a sexless relationship I’d be very hurt and rejected if my partner started buying sex toys and masturbating instead of making steps towards improving our sex life together. You don’t really need several sessions on your own to figure out how it works before introducing it to your partner - you should have fun trying it out together. So yabu for that.

however since you appear to be married to a moody, grumpy arsehole who has decided to withdraw affection and support at a time when you really need it just because he’s upset about sex, yanbu. What an absolute twat. He could have just spoken to you about it like an adult but he’s sulking instead

I posted before you said what the issue you have been dealing with is.
Yes, I think it’s a form of cruelty or spectacular self-absorption or both to behave like this about a sex toy when you have life events to deal with.
I don’t think you have to get past this if you don’t want to, but I think generally I would avoid adding more stress at this difficult time - I.e what you want to do about your marriage can wait for now.

Why would you be upset? Masturbation and sex are completely different things. Many asexuals masturbate but have 0 interest in sex with other humans.

None of his business if you want to use your vibrator. It’s private.
If it makes him feel insecure it’s more to do with the way the marriage is at present.

Does he ask your permission if he needs to have a wank ??

Sorry I am not answering your question but I would like to know the name of your virbrator?

Everyone's sex life is unique. All I can say is that going down on a woman while she's using a vibrater is an extremely civilised way of spending the time.

I came here to ask this same question!
Could you post a link to this 'great' purchase please?
👹

I've since used it a few times on my own to see what it was like, with the intention of introducing it to sex once I'd got the hang of it myself.

I was on board and understood both your point and his… until this sentence. Frankly, it reeks of a desperate excuse you’ve placated yourself with since being found out. Who are you trying to kid? You were just practising then, making sure you’re getting it right? 🙄
You know you should have introduced it together if that was the discussion.

My response would have been to tell him that the Kong Dong was not for me, but that the thought of me using it on him was giving me tingles, and that I was hoping to keep it a surprise.

Some of the recent replies don't make much sense, but just to clarify - yes I used it on my own a few times - not because I didn't know how to use it / figure out how it works. It's a clitoral massager. I've recently started antidepressants and it's making it hard to climax, so I'd suggested something to help me along during sex and also maybe make it a little more fun. I'm extremely sensitive in that area and I had heard they can be very intense, so no I didn't want to let DH use it on me until I felt comfortable with it.

Then some people seem to have missed the fact that although the ORIGINAL intention was to use it together, I then didn't WANT to involve him because he was a moody cunt who I didn't want to have sex with. It's been a bit of a catch 22 really.

Anyway, I do have an update. We've had a calm talk about everything and it's not really about the toy at all - which is I guess kind of a relief. It's about him feeling rejected and not cared about in general, and the same for me. As I said, our relationship hasn't been amazing lately either way, and him finding a toy I guess solidified his perception that I didn't want him therefore don't care about him. I've also been so hurt by the fact he chose to treat me so badly for weeks instead of just talking to me about how he feels, at a time when I needed him the most.
He's agreed to communicate better and I've reassured him I do in fact love him.

I will message those of you asking for the link!

Oh the bitter irony - you've taken to masturbating rather than having sex with your H, because he's a moody twat, and his response to that is to... get in a mood? I can see why you're not interested in going near him!!

Bit on the controlling side too imo - "you're not allowed to orgasm, unless I feel happy"?

This. FFS the man is getting sulky over a piece of plastic! That’s not normal, nor is it any kind of “betrayal” of him.

OP, the sex toy is not your problem. The sulky moody manchild behaviour is. If it wasn’t about the sex toy it would be about something else. I’ve had a partner who sulked like that and it’s never to do with that he says is bothering him; it’s all about sulking and moodiness as forms of attention seeking, and him bolstering his ego by spreading his emotions around other people who are supposed to baby and mother him.

It’s deeply childish behaviour, and you’ll probably find his parents spoilt him in some way and he expects you to do so too.

....reverse the roles on that one and see how you feel about it.

Yanbu.
He sounds abusive for a long time and now thinks he has control of your body?
Careful op it has a whiff of coercive control.

Perhaps get some counselling for yourself.
Do you really want to be with such a moody controlling person.

It will get a lot worse as he ages.