To think MIL is being an idiot?

[Artmumcreative]

Eighteen month history of MIL blocking and scapegoating me, then when she unblocked me I didn't make contact (she didn't say anything, just unblocked me). I've posted about it before, the outcome was I wasn't being unreasonable.

MIL has seen me, DH, and our toddler once since he got back in contact because she had told BIL that she'd had "a cancer scare" and he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.

Since that meeting (carefully timed for one drink at a gastropub- so I'd planned what I was going to have for dinner- during which she ran off to the toilet crying when I returned to the table after walking around with my DD because my DH had said something to upset her) she's made no effort or suggestion to meet up until she messaged DH to 'ask' (read: state) they she sees our DD for one hour on Christmas Day. Our DD is one year old and it takes a lot of work to get her used to e.g. the people that work at her playgroups. It took my parents eighteen months of trying for her to spend time with them in an adjacent room to the one I was in.

I'm not going to try to stop my DH's family from seeing DD but AIBU to think that MIL should be putting a lot more effort in- especially with me, the SAHM- if she wants to have any sort of functional relationship with my and DH's DD?

(N.b. I had a grandmother who didn't put effort in with me and my siblings (because my dad was her least favourite child). Once we were old enough to advocate for ourselves, we just didn't see her.)

Our DD is one year old and it takes a lot of work to get her used to e.g. the people that work at her playgroups. It took my parents eighteen months of trying for her to spend time with them in an adjacent room to the one I was in

This comes across as a bit precious, I really don't think your DD being around your MIL, presumably with you and your DH present, for one hour is that big a deal. I'd love to know what your DH said during the pub meal to upset her too because the way you've worded your post seems to suggest you only agreed to meet to protect your inheritance.

This seems quite unkind OP. Your title calling your MIL an idiot, the cancer scare where the brothers' only interest was the inheritance, and the "she better make effort with me if she wants to see my DD", plus the running to the toilet crying because your DH had upset her, with seemingly no empathy.

What has she actually done wrong? Any chance she's not made an effort because it's abundantly clear you (and your DH) don't like her?

It seems like you are all barely on speaking terms so I don’t think I would prioritise her on Christmas Day. Maybe I have misunderstood?

If your child is only one, how's it taken your parents 18 months of trying to spend time with her without you present but in the adjacent room?

Anyway, not the point of the thread.

Where does mil live? Because it's quite ridiculous that you would be expected to factor in a journey to hers, stay for an hour because that's what suits her, then travel back to yours, in the midst of Christmas Day when you are trying to cook dinner, and actually enjoy your day with your husband and child.

If she's virtually next door,.it's still entitled of her to expect it, but logistically maybe possible.

Why can't she come to you for an hour then leave?

What does she “block”? Is it your phone number, social media profiles or both? Because that sounds really immature.

Can you give any examples of the “scapegoating”? So we can have some more background and context.

What did your husband say to her in the pub that she ran off crying?

We need more background and info to be able to form a balanced opinion here.

You don't come off well in your post. It's not clear what MIL did wrong but it is clear that you and DH are only in touch with her to inherit from her and you use your DC as some kind of reward for her making an effort with you.

I would tell DH that he can take the baby to see his mum for an hour if he wants to. And have a peaceful hour to yourself. No need for all the drama!

Well, you’re one until you’re 23 months and 30(give or take) days.

OP no one can tell you what to do, on Christmas Day or any other day.
I have found that saying to people “that’s fine, it’s your money, you do what you want with it” quickly make them stop threatening you with inheritance.
The main question here is whether you want to repair this relationship and how you want to go about that.
Time to start being proactive and not just reacting to her.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5382247-mil-made-me-the-scapegoat

Further history

That still doesn’t give any context about what you’re the scapegoat for or what any of these issues are actually about?

Are you sure that BIL isn't just stirring the pot to ensure he does get the inheritance? (not that the promise of money should impact on either his or your DHs choice to see her).

Did you not bother to ask your DH what was said? If you decide to go round for an hour then I'm sure you're not planning on leaving your DD alone there? (so no idea what the problem is there either really).

You all 4 of you sound very dramatic to be honest. Either try with the hour visit or don't. It's as simple that.

That’s just a repeat of what you’ve said here while still leaving out all of the details

You’ve added no context or extra information by linking your other thread.

How has she “scapegoated” you? What was her reason? What actually happened?
What did your husband say to her in the pub that made her run off crying?

This is all so baffling. But in a nutshell if your MIL wants to see your children over Christmas then your husband should facilitate. You don’t need to get involved with her if you don’t want to.

You really do need to grow up . . .

I wonder what your mil’s version of events is?

You’ve clearly got a longstanding difficult relationship, so I think it’s pretty unlikely she’s going to suddenly start trying to communicate with or “make an effort with” you. Just let DH field communication. If she’d like to see DD on Christmas Day he can give her a convenient time slot when she can visit; if that doesn’t work for her then they can arrange another time another day.

Do you mean she wants to see DD alone for an hour?

😐I am just happy that my dil accepts me, warts and all.

Thanks but to be honest, OP, the only thing I've learned from the original thread is that you, too, seem interested in getting your hands on the inheritance. Your MIL "hasn't bothered" to be in touch with your child for a year, you've let that go, but you discover you might be cut out of the inheritance and suddenly you want to make contact.

If there is more to this...i.e. what is it MIL has done and what has she accused you of...that might be helpful.

MIL has never told me what I've done! DH has suggested that I "stole her son [him] away from her". She wanted me to formula feed my DD because she wanted to feed my baby (to paraphrase). We used to get on really well, then the formula comment happened when I was heavily pregnant, I was really upset and told my DH, she said I was lying and hormonal, so I told DH that I didn't want to be on my own with her if she was going to say things and lie about them, he passed that on. I don't have evidence of what was said because each time they fall out she deletes the family chat and starts a new one.

So I don't know what I've done other than give my daughter the best start in life I possibly could.

I don't care about the inheritance. I'll have my own inheritance from my side of the family, I don't need my DH's money.

So do I!

You are not beholden to her, that loss of control makes her resentful and insecure.

You seem v over the top and precious about the baby. Let MIL take the baby for an hour on Xmas day, can't your DH be on hand in case MIL needs help or baby needs soothing.

My uninvolved in laws are now muscling back in, now that my children are 16 and 17, it's annoying, but also who really cares. My teenagers want to be with their friends, the in laws will only get fleeting attention. Be aloof.

Not the point of the thread but what a fucking prince!
he told DH that he wasn't going to split the inheritance if it all got left to him.
😅😅😅😅

Sounds like her relationship with dh is the main issue you are collateral damage within that. (Note the use of triangulation whereever possible by mil)

I'd keep my powder dry its going to be a long game and offer christmas eve (on the basis of no travel / wanting a break on the day itself) and go round for an hour, a cup of tea and opening some toys and times up.

Fwiw neither of my babys first christmas' were that magical/ special. I remember visiting santa etc much more than the day itself (of which i recall close to zero)
Now they are 3 and 2 looking forward to it / will cherish a lot more.