Aibu?? Sorry this post is not for everyone but I need to say it anyway.

[Dreamsofanidiotmaybenot]

Honestly, I’m at the point where I just want a man who brings solutions, money, and a slightly easier life.

Before anyone judges, hear me out – I’m being completely honest here, and I reckon plenty of women (not all obviously!) think this even if they’d never admit it. How wonderful would it be to have a partner who actually adds to your life rather than subtracts from it?

Nothing more than that. I just needed to vent, write it down, and shout that I’m utterly fed up with doing it all on my own. And just so we’re clear, I have my own job, my own money, and I live with effort and sacrifice, saving whatever’s left after the taxman takes his share.

But suddenly, I caught myself wishing for a proper gentleman, a prince, someone to make life feel a bit lighter.

Can anyone else relate, or is it just me being completely ridiculous?

There is not one cell in me that wants a partner of any form prince or not. My happiness comes from the contentment I feel being alone with nobody to please but me, I am not willing to share myself for any man. So not every woman feels the same.

Currently separating from my partner of 20 years for this very reason. So, no, YANBU. I want mutual respect and unconditional support or nothing.

They are out there OP! Keep your dreams alive.

YANBU at all, I feel like most women add to a partner's life, while most men subtract.

Are they? Wealthy men who want nothing?

I would love this too, despite being fully self-sufficient. Sometimes it’s just nice to be truly loved and looked after. I’ve never had that.

Apparently married men are the happiest kind of man, and single women are the happiest kind of woman lol

This isn’ta ridiculous thing to ask for or expect. My DH is amazing ( most of the time). We are currently away on a cruise ship and I haven’t got a single drink myself, he opens all the dues for me, same at home and getting in the car etc. I don’t carry the shopping from the car if he’s home and he gives me a foot massage every single day. And this holidays he surprised me with multiple 75 minute massages and Elemis facials in the spa as he knows I find it deeply relaxing. I’m very lucky. He’s just a sweetheart and I feel so very safe with him.

You are not being unreasonable. And it’s not unattainable! And it’s not naive. Don’t sell yourself short. It’s ok to want more for yourself. A relationship has to be balanced. I heard or read somewhere that a good relationship is one each partner thinks they have the best deal out of it.

I know what you mean, like how many posts a day do we get on here that are something along the lines of "I do literally everything for the home and children and my husband pitches a hissy fit if I ask him to pick up one sock off the floor and says I'm a nag. Also he called me fat and my MIL is Myra Hindley. Aibu?"??

Everyone talks about how compromise is absolutely essential in a marriage, but it always seems to be the women doing all the compromising. Compromising their careers, their standards of cleanliness, their peace... It's nice to be married to a man I've had to give nothing up for and who has brought lots of great things into my life. It's peaceful.

Yes! I have read this too somewhere. And after being on this site for a bit I can get why 🤣

Semi-related, but I was thinking just the other day with the CoL and all, that the solution to so many issues in my life (sandwich generation, elderly parent with complex needs & young child with SEN) could be to add more working adults to the household.

If DH and I shared an extra spouse or two I think things could be just about manageable, with enough emotional and financial resources to go around for everyone. They’d have to be solvent, good company, relatively tidy, and not have any kids of their own.

Not sure quite what would be in it for them 🤣

Anyone want to join our utilitarian polycule? Open to gentlemen or ladies, true princes or princesses as long as they bring money and solutions & make things easier!

How wonderful would it be to have a partner who actually adds to your life rather than subtracts from it?

Well yes, that's the whole point of a partner and if they aren't adding to your life you might as well not bother. It works both ways of course, it's not just about men not adding to a woman's life. A woman should also be bringing things to the relationship to add to the man's life. And the same also applies for same-sex relationships.

I've had a couple of LTRs where I eventually realized they were not bringing anything and just making my life harder. I'm single now and I can't see that changing really but I'm also not that bothered anymore. If I was to start a relationship with someone now they would have to improve my life (by sharing the load, by giving emotional support, by bringing fun and laughter etc) rather than making it worse (by creating more work for me and not giving back in return etc). And likewise I'd expect to bring something to a relationship with someone which would make his life better.

When I became a single parent I remained intentionally single for many years as I felt like I was better off having full control over everything (among other reasons like having a small DD) but frankly right now I just want my boyfriend to move in so my load can finally feel lighter.

I’m 100% sick of doing everything by myself, I love it when he’s here and everything just feels quicker and easier.

All I want in a man is someone who enjoys my company, I enjoy his, and can look after himself.

I'm not interested in someone who can't pick up his own socks, or who needs me to sort out his car service.

Frankly, I just don't see it happening, I'm happy single, with my kids, so I'm not going to compromise on what I think really are bare minimum requirements.

🙄🙄🙄

I’m exactly the same OP. I’m a single mother with two young dc so chances are bleak but my exs have been mostly letches or tight bastards. Unless a man is going to bring gain to my life then I rather stay single.

I used to work in a country where woman often dated older men who were technically sugardaddies. At the time I thought it was disgusting but looking back they may have been onto something.

You have just described a traditional Asian family. Not the sharing spouses but many adults living together. Parents with children, siblings etc. That has its own problems, of course.

We bring that to each other’s life. You’re not mercenary at all. Nobody, man nor woman, wants a skint lazy partner with problems who makes their life harder. Only someone with incredibly low self esteem would choose someone like that - someone for whom any partner is better than no partner at all.

I'm incredibly glad I don't have daughters OP, because I don't know any relationships which aren't weighted heavily in favour of the male's interests being met. I do know some women whose low expectations allow them to kid themselves otherwise though.
I feel menopause has removed blinkers from my eyes with respect to this.

ave a partner who actually adds to your life rather than subtracts from it?

that's always been my definition of a relationship

I am not sure why anyone would go into a relationship otherwise? I need to fancy him like crazy too, great sex is an important part of a relationship - but that comes into the "adding to your life" list 😂

When people say they are better off single because of the "freedom", I understand what they're saying, but I have the freedom anyway, and I have the benefits of having a partner.

It's absolutely ok to want to have a partner in life to share everything, including finances, and absolutely OK to crave financial security and stability. Life is hard.

You can roll your eyes, but if you read about people experience of arranged marriage in many places, it only means they're choosing a partner among a list of suitable partners presented by their parents.

Many of them are very positive over the marriage that follows.

It's not exactly the same as a 10 year old being thrown to a pervert who will destroy her life.

^This^

Reading you op @Dreamsofanidiotmaybenot I was nodding along. I’ve certainly done all the grunt work, all the child rearing and carried the mental load and there have been times when I’ve wanted to scream and throw in the towel but 30+ years on we are probably doing 50/50 now. He can also be very kind when the chips are down. I’m mostly glad I’ve hung in there!

@Dreamsofanidiotmaybenot not unreasonable at all, the father to my unborn child brings nothing positive to my life. It’s just take take take. I don’t ask for much just the basics but even that’s too much to ask.