To cut my friend off

[Avocad1sh]

I have been friends with “Amy” for 5 years. We are close but over the past 2 years she goes through stages of just not speaking to me for long periods of time without any warning. She suffers from mental health problems which is what she puts the long absences down to, so that’s why I have put up with it for so long, because I understand she isn’t doing it maliciously or purposefully ignoring me but she just finds it hard to communicate during those periods.

However, the past few times have really started to annoy me and even hurt me a little. About 6 months ago, she kept calling me saying she was going to harm herself, then suddenly her messages and calls just stopped. I didn’t hear from her at all for 3 weeks, despite me calling and texting. I knew it wasn’t an emergency because she lives with her mum, and her mum would’ve told me if anything had happened. But she would’ve known that I was worrying but still didn’t speak to me at all, not even a quick “I’m ok but going through a bad time and can’t really talk atm”. However, I’ve never been in her shoes so I tried to be understanding.

The last two times she has done this, she has stopped speaking to me but is still active on social media. Posting on Facebook and instagram. Writing messages back to people in her comments, but completely ignoring my texts. It’s annoying me now and I really feel like I want to be done with her but I’m finding it hard because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable due to her illness because I don’t understand it. I just feel hurt that she continuously will ignore me but still speak to other people, then comes back eventually and says “sorry, was in a bad place” but she wasn’t in a bad enough place to speak to her other friends? I sound jealous but it’s not like that, I just feel like she’s taking the piss now and uses me when she’s feeling ok and when she’s not feeling great she ignores me and goes to other friends instead. And then just comes back and expects me to carry on like she hasn’t just ghosted me for a month.

I genuinely don’t know whether I am just being judgmental, jealous, pathetic and not a good friend here. Or whether I am valid in my feelings. Has anyone had any experience in either mine or my friends position and can offer advice?

You're very entitled to not continue a friendship that puts a strain on you.

I'm not at all saying it's anything to do with you, but do you think there could be a reason why she doesn't lean on you when she's going through a bad stage ? Maybe she doesn't want to impose etc

Stop messaging her when she goes quiet on you.

She sounds very like my daughter so I would ask you to be patient if you can. My daughter suffers from depression and even the simplest of responses to a text is at times overwhelming for her. She goes quiet on me and ignored messages at times because it is genuinely too hard for her to respond. I understand how annoying it is for you (it drives me mad!) but I have come to realise that it is really monumental for her to answer sometimes.

But she doesn’t need to lean on me. The reason I have made this thread is actually because I have just seen on Facebook her friend screen shot their messages and post it, and tag her. And they’re just talking about a date she’s going on. So I’m not sure why she can talk to other friends but not me? I feel like I sound so possessive and jealous, she is of course allowed other friends. And she doesn’t have to reply to me straight away, but she ignores me for weeks on end. Then randomly comes back. And then we speak every single day. She calls me every night and sometimes I have to tell her I’m watching a movie with DP and can’t talk and she’ll say “call me afterwards” so it’s like she blows hot and cold. She talks to me every single day and then suddenly I don’t hear from her for a long time and I don’t understand why. It’s probably an unhealthy friendship anyway which is another reason I’d like to pull away

Shes probably embarrassed of how she behaved and doesn’t know how to come back from that, so waits a few months in hope you forget and then cycle repeats. Next time it happens just threaten to call the police to do a welfare check.

A friend should be someone you like. You're allowed to walk away and seek out people who brighten rather than darken your life.

A small note that I do wonder why you have been sending lots of messages that aren't replied to. If your style is that you need a lot of contact, then check early that friends want the same. Not everyone wants messages every few days, it can be stiflng even though you have good intent. The best friendships are those who truly are on the same wavelength.

Maybe she gets a bit resentful/jealous if she thinks your life is going well when hers isn't?

Either way she sounds exhausting and I wouldn't blame you for cutting her out. Being ghosted for ages then picked up again when it suits her has got to be hurtful for you. It feels disrespectful almost. Like you'll be around waiting for her crumbs of attention.

The only people I’ve ever known do this are sociopaths.

The only inference you can draw from her being socially and emotionally active with friends but not with you, is that she doesn't want to be friends with you any more.

Don't flog a dead horse

Or Narcissists? Or people with narcissistic traits? I think sociopaths are quite rare? Although im no expert!

But she doesn’t need to lean on me. The reason I have made this thread is actually because I have just seen on Facebook her friend screen shot their messages and post it, and tag her. And they’re just talking about a date she’s going on. So I’m not sure why she can talk to other friends but not me? I feel like I sound so possessive and jealous, she is of course allowed other friends. And she doesn’t have to reply to me straight away, but she ignores me for weeks on end. Then randomly comes back. And then we speak every single day. She calls me every night and sometimes I have to tell her I’m watching a movie with DP and can’t talk and she’ll say “call me afterwards” so it’s like she blows hot and cold. She talks to me every single day and then suddenly I don’t hear from her for a long time and I don’t understand why. It’s probably an unhealthy friendship anyway which is another reason I’d like to pull away

But she’s done this so many times and she always comes back and then acts like nothing has happened. Once she said “I hope my silence doesn’t affect our friendship” and at the time I was like “no of course not” but now it’s actually annoying me because even though I don’t need to speak to her every single day, I feel like she takes the piss a bit and it’s the principle of it

You have become the therapy or dumping ground friend. She's using you as the go to for negative moaning but when she's upwards and presenting a good face she'll go to others, the one's she wants to impress and have fun with. It sounds like she's exhausting to you and not someone you have fun with you provides you with support and positivity so for those reasons I would drift away. She's not a friend.

Doesn’t it look like she doesn’t want to be friends with you and hasn’t wanted to be for some time now?

As someone who has ADHD task avoidance and hates texting, I still say dump her as a friend.

Because when my ADHD is so bad that I don’t text for weeks, I would never do hurtful things like post online and text some friends but not others.

You have been patient and very reasonable.

Sounds like she has family and friends so you should feel zero guilt. Stop messaging her and next time she messages, tell her the uncertainty around when she is going to respond is giving you anxiety and so it might be best to not be contact anymore and that you wish her all the best.

And then block and delete her on everything.

You mention jealous a few time

why on earth would you be jealous of her?

But she’s done this so many times and she always comes back and then acts like nothing has happened.

well presumably because you let her

I've been her in this situation, and it's difficult to explain how depression makes you a very fairweather friend in a lot of cases and I've definitely lost friends as a result of it.

The one thing I'll say having been on the other side of it - it's actually ok for you to prioritise yourself and not keep giving in an uneven relationship. I don't actually resent any of the friends I lost when I was at my worst because I understand now how difficult I was.

You'll feel like you have to stick around and put up with it because she's unwell, but you don't. While a certain amount of understanding is nice, you don't have to accept being picked up and put down like a toy when it suits her, even if she's not doing it out of malice. It's ok to choose yourself and distance yourself from her, it's not entitled to want your friendships and relationships to be balanced and equal.

It’s pretty clear that OP just wanted to make clear that she is not jealous of this ‘friend’ messaging other friends, it’s just the unfairness of the ‘friend’ being in contact with other friends online and via text and yet ignoring OP.

well in that case I’d be more relieved than jealous and pity the other friends she was off loading to!

OP… do you have a wide circle of friends? Close friends? Why not just focus your energy on them

Dump her.

She's treating you like garbage.

If this was just about her needing space due to MH issues then she wouldnt be behaving in the ways you describe on social media or socialising with others etc

Mental health isnt an excuse to treat people like utter shit or as if you are a toy she can just pick up and put down whenever she feels like it.

You have the choice now- let this BS continue to harm you or end it now.

Lots of people have friendship tiers. The people she keeps in contact with regardless of how she is feeling emotionally are her top tier friends. You fall somewhere below that.

I would be ok with that, happy enough to be more acquaintance than friend, providing her expectations of me matched that. I’d be happy to meet up for a coffee, have a cheerful chat, but if she veered the conversation into deeper territory I would say that I’m not the person she needs to be talking to, she has friends she is closer to for that.

Issues with friends who have poor mental health are posted here quite frequently. I think it should be borne in mind that while we shouldn’t be unkind to people with mental health issues, few of us are qualified to know how to handle it effectively. And none of should be expected to hold an acquaintance’s mental health as more important than our own.

She's doing it because you're letting her. The comment about her silence is so blatantly manipulative – she's goading you to complain and then when you do she'll cut you off again and she won't be the bad guy. This isn't about her mental health – it's about her toying with you. I think she's getting a kick out of it.

She's not your friend. For the sake of your own mental health you should ignore her messages when she gets in touch again.

I agree- there is a manipulative quality here that indicates this isnt just about her being mentally unable to communicate. The fact she's able to go on dates etc but happy to ignore you and then literally say this is game playing and power play.

Are you happy with the periods when she’s calling you every day?