To cut my friend off

[Avocad1sh]

I have been friends with “Amy” for 5 years. We are close but over the past 2 years she goes through stages of just not speaking to me for long periods of time without any warning. She suffers from mental health problems which is what she puts the long absences down to, so that’s why I have put up with it for so long, because I understand she isn’t doing it maliciously or purposefully ignoring me but she just finds it hard to communicate during those periods.

However, the past few times have really started to annoy me and even hurt me a little. About 6 months ago, she kept calling me saying she was going to harm herself, then suddenly her messages and calls just stopped. I didn’t hear from her at all for 3 weeks, despite me calling and texting. I knew it wasn’t an emergency because she lives with her mum, and her mum would’ve told me if anything had happened. But she would’ve known that I was worrying but still didn’t speak to me at all, not even a quick “I’m ok but going through a bad time and can’t really talk atm”. However, I’ve never been in her shoes so I tried to be understanding.

The last two times she has done this, she has stopped speaking to me but is still active on social media. Posting on Facebook and instagram. Writing messages back to people in her comments, but completely ignoring my texts. It’s annoying me now and I really feel like I want to be done with her but I’m finding it hard because I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable due to her illness because I don’t understand it. I just feel hurt that she continuously will ignore me but still speak to other people, then comes back eventually and says “sorry, was in a bad place” but she wasn’t in a bad enough place to speak to her other friends? I sound jealous but it’s not like that, I just feel like she’s taking the piss now and uses me when she’s feeling ok and when she’s not feeling great she ignores me and goes to other friends instead. And then just comes back and expects me to carry on like she hasn’t just ghosted me for a month.

I genuinely don’t know whether I am just being judgmental, jealous, pathetic and not a good friend here. Or whether I am valid in my feelings. Has anyone had any experience in either mine or my friends position and can offer advice?

Let her go. You have been very patient and understanding and your posts show that you are trying to be very fair, given her problems. But she worries you with talking about self harm, then ignores you when you tries to check she's OK. Then goes silent on you but not others. Then she's ringing every day and interrupting you when you're trying to relax and watch a film. Who needs that crap? Leave her to her mum, her other friends and the mental health professionals. Find friends who help you flourish and whose effort is equal to yours.

Once I read my post back I thought it comes across like I’m jealous of her texting other friends and not me, which sounds petty.

I have other friend where we check in every few months or something and text for a bit and then meet up and then don’t speak again for a while. And that’s fine, that doesn’t bother me. It’s the ignoring part that bothers me. Sometimes I will text her and ask her to just let me know if she’s ok as the last thing she told me was that she wasn’t coping well. But she will still ignore me.. but then still post on social media so I know she is on her phone. That’s hurtful to me because she knows I would be worrying.

I am starting to want to. I stood by her when she found out her mum was ill, I stood by her when she was going through an extremely low period and she was calling me every single night saying she was going to harm herself and I was so stressed with it because obviously there’s nothing I can do to help, she needed to speak to a professional. But she chose me and it was so draining. When she went quiet on me, I was worried but also relieved for the break (I knew she was ok because she was still active online). I just feel like I put so much effort in with her and then she just switches off from me. So I do want to just focus on my other friends, but it’s very hard when I’ve already developed this close friendship with her, which is probably an unhealthy one. I just wanted to ask here if that’s an unreasonable thing for me to do given her mental state

I would fade her out. Stop checking up on her when she says she's in a bad place. She doesn't respond anyway and then she's on facebook talking to others and going out on dates so she isn't in that bad a way.
If she phones when you are watching a film, don't pick up. And don't ring her back later. She does the same to you when she ignores you for months on end, leaving you to worry about her.
She has you exactly where she wants you and can drop you and take up with you again whenever she feels like it.

No not really. It’s draining. I want to just cut her off completely but we have been very close friends for a long time now and I’ve been through some awful things with her. She has lost 2 friends in the past because of her MH issues. They said it’s because she is too negative and draining on them and and one of them said they can’t cope to worry about her all the time when she sends them messages that she’s about to harm themselves. One of her friends took her on holiday and then when they got back she said she can’t be friends with her anymore as they have done all they can for her and she was rude and miserable the entire time. I get their frustration, but at the time I thought gosh she can’t help it, she not well! But now that I’ve been friends with her for longer, I understand what they mean. However, I would feel absolutely awful to just do the same to her and then she’s lost another friend. I have trouble with just doing what’s right for me, I want to be empathetic but it’s really getting to me now the whole hot and cold. It’s either really intense, or nothing at all.

You have mental health to look after as well, and it’s ok to draw a boundary for yourself like she seems to. I’d be tempted to frame it as you have here: “I can see you are ok because you’re on socials or messaging someone else, and I’m happy for you, but it’s hurtful to me that you are comfortable just dropping me and our communication for months at a time, when you also want me to be there when you’re wanting to harm yourself. You’re taking my support and emotional energy, and then ghosting me and giving nothing back- that’s not friendship and it’s not fair.”

Five years for a friendship is not long. You said at least two of those years has been problematic.

You also say she ignores you for long periods then gets back in touch and is speaking every day. How is she speaking to you every day unless you allow it?

Don't be a door mat or an enabler.

I call people like this emotional vampires, they can be so draining. And I say this as someone who’s had mental health issues and friends with mental health issues.

Hi op
Ive posted about a similar situation. A friend told me to leave her alone and she didn’t want friends anymore. She had been through a lot.
Then I see her posting on social media about doing something with another friend. It really upset me.
I do feel I’ve been too available but, like you, I feel bad about feeling put-out, jealous as I know she’s genuinely going through a bad time.
We both need to work in our boundaries, self-preservation x

This sounds a bit people-pleasy, unless there have also been lots of good times where you’ve enjoyed her company, had fun, and been supported by her through your own hard times — are you honestly saying that although you resent not hearing from her when she goes quiet, you also find it draining when she is in daily contact because you don’t like that either? Bluntly, what value is in this ‘close friendship’ for you? And why, if you’re supposedly close friendships is the only option putting up with daily draining phone calls and periodic silences, or cutting her off? Have you never talked to her about this?

What positives do you get from the friendship? It's hard to know if she's being manipulative with the hot/ cold approach or genuinely unable to respond due to her MH (I'm leaning towards the first as she seems to have capacity to see other friends during the silences)

You can't change her but you can change your boundaries and how you react. You seem to find her silences and being ignored a bit of a trigger and I would maybe look at how you can switch off / step back when she does that. You would be perfectly entitled to tell her that you can't have a friendship that is this inconsistent and end the friendship.

I had a friend a bit like this. She was so draining and would spend months ignoring messages. When I reached out to her after another long silence she sent me quite a nasty reply accusing me of not doing enough. That was it for me. I havent spoken to her since. Some times you have to look after yourself as well.
It sounds horrible but ending that friendship has made me feel so much lighter. I didnt realise how the constant worry and guilt trips were affecting me until I put a stop to it.

There's lots of good stuff on YouTube about people pleasing and boundaries. Maybe look at some of the talks (Tracy Marks, Dr Ramani) so that you feel more comfortable with your entirely reasonable wish to draw back from this person?

Cut her off.

The illness is a red herring. People can be both ill and also a horrible person. We tend to see people who are ill and overlook anything else. But horrible people get ill, so some people who are ill are horrible. She’s one. Cut her off without explanation. If presssed, say you need to protect your mH (true

Bin her. These people are like vampires. They suck your blood. I’ve experienced this. Look after yourself.

Why in the name of fuck are you tolerating this crap? You're not her psychiatrist, care worker or mother. Move on.

If she is well enough to be dating, she is well enough to text you back. I've been in position where a text seems hugely overwhelming so I could understand someone going silent for a while, but not whilst dating someone new and chatting about that.
The only thing I could think may be a reason is she is embarrassed after talking about harming herself.
Either way, it's not the way to treat a friend and you wouldn't be wrong to end the friendship but if you do want to continue I'd send her a text telling you exactly how you feel. How she responds may repair things or it may allow you to end the friendship guilt free.

Just give her the same energy she gives you. She goes quite you do the same

Why don't you just step back from her? Not cut her off completely, just not text her so often, and when she goes through her phase of calling or texting you daily, be busy?
She can't have it both ways!

I'd assume that she comes back to restart her narc dance with you

I once had a friend very similar but she was part of a big group of us. Kept ignoring us etc and had bad mental health. Turned out she turned a corner with her mental health and had a new life. But decided to completely cut out people in her old life when she had bad mental health as it was a reminder of her bad days. Haven't spoken to her in years now and neither has anyone else

It's really hard because I can see it from both sides.

I have mental health issues and I'm also autistic, and when I'm going through a particularly low time, I used Facebook/Reddit/Mumsnet/Instagram to just scroll my days away because it helps me to cope. I also sometimes reply to comments because I feel like there isn't any actual pressure to respond to comments.

However if, on the rare occasion, someone reaches out to me and I'm going through a low time, I do struggle to respond and I worry that they won't understand why I'm not responding if I'm active on Facebook or wherever. But I often don't have the mental energy to respond to people via messages because it feels mandatory to do so. I struggle to keep conversations going as it is, never mind when I'm feeling like shit.

On the other hand, I can understand how this may affect the other person in the situation (the person not being responded to). It seems like it wouldn't take much to pop a quick message across, especially if someone has said they feel like they want to harm themselves, but they could be putting all their energy into NOT harming themselves, so they aren't focussing on messages but moreso on passive activities to try and distract themselves.

It's really hard to navigate for both parties.

I will say, though, that you can stop being friends with someone for whatever reason you like.