Can someone please help explain this behaviour?

[CherryCooler]

I'm going out of my mind.

My DH does this thing where he withdraws and just sort of stops talking to me. If I ramble on about stuff eg my day, the kids , everyday stuff, he won't respond so I sort of just shut up and leave him be. If I ask him a question, he'll ignore me or mumble and answer and not look at me or make eye contact. Again, I just don't talk any further and leave him be.

He's not exactly a chatterbox so it's not like a sudden change but almost a slow gradual change and before you know it, it's been several days/ weeks where he hasn't spoken to me properly. During this time, he'll just go into his bed and put his headphones on and ignore everyone.

When I ask him about it, he says it's me that's not talking to him and puts the blame partially on me or he outright just lies and says hes fine and it's in my head.

When he is like this, it obviously hurts me and out of the blue as soon as it appears, he becomes "normal" again, only for it to start again in a few weeks. And on and on this repeats.

I'm left hurt, things are okay, then hurt again. It's like a yo yo of emotions and I'm utterly exhausted by it all. Its started again and I've told him what is wrong. He acknowledged this was happening and walked off saying he doesn't want to talk.

I know you must be thinking what on earth I'm doing with such a guy but I had a shit childhood and was treated badly by my family so I take a lot of crap from ppl as it's my "norm". Sounds crazy I know but I only realised this recently.

I'm asking what the hell is this behaviour. Is it depression, I've not heard of ppl acting like this when depressed. He becomes rude and just my existence annoys him. Is it a personality disorder?! Has anyone come across anyone else like this before?!

No he's rude and being abusive. He's not communicating what his issue actually is, is sulking by the sound of it and is gas lighting you too. He may be fishing for you to ask him what's wrong. It doesn't sound as if you do. He should be adult enough to articulate what his problem is.

Emotional abuse and gaslighting

look it up on women’s aid website

and look at wheel of power

I don't think he wants me to ask him what's wrong. That usually gets him annoyed and he gets angry at me either saying he's fine or just walks off in a huff. Im just trying to understand why he does this?

At very best it’s very poor communication. Emotionally unintelligent and unbothered by causing someone else distress.

What else is he like? I bet this isn’t an isolated problem.

I get how making me think it's my fault too and everything is fine and it's in my head but how would it be emotional abuse. I don't understand what he gets out of it. I literally stay out of his way and not talk to him. What would he be gaining from it

Yes it's not a one, as I had mentioned, he does this all the time. It's tiring. There's other stuff but this is the biggest issue for me

Abuse is always about power ultimately. Honestly - life is too short to waste in this kind of miserable, up and down, walking on eggshells existence. There is a man out there who will treat you properly, as you deserve to be treated.
I say this as a survivor of a 10yr abusive relationship, and now in a healthy happy one. The difference is incredible to me.
You can be happy, and you should be. Not all men behave like this.

The silence is the emotional abuse - it’s very well documented - creating an atmosphere of confusion

it’s a form of power - and look how it’s got you trying to figure out what’s wrong and doubt yourself

He’s cutting communication and withdrawing his agency for you two to work it out together

and as I said it’s un footing you

manipulation

But what would he gain from it. I don't understand what he gets from it.

He gets you in a powerless position

why do people abuse? It’s a power play to get what they want

Women’s aid say..

Understanding the silent treatment as abuse

• A tool for control: The silent treatment is used to manipulate and control a partner by withdrawing communication, which can make the victim feel they are “not existing” and desperate to apologize or engage in desired behavior to end the punishment.
• Emotional and psychological impact: It is a form of emotional abuse that can cause significant trauma, leading to feelings of rejection, worthlessness, confusion, and loneliness.
• A sign of toxicity: It is a toxic and emotionally immature behavior that is not a healthy way to handle conflict.

This is abuse OP and you are raising your kids in a terrible atmosphere. Please take steps to extricate yourself and your children from this situation.

What does he do for work?

I ask, as when I was teaching, I used to get home so mentally drained I couldn't actually comprehend what DH/kids were saying to me. I had to shut myself down at home to get through the week.

It's a know symptom of stress.

Could he be gambling

You poor woman.
What an awful life.

What is your situation?
Children? Housing? Work? Finances?

This is a highly abusive relationship.
This is not a good man.

Read the post again - it’s not this - very different

It might be that he’s very introverted and can’t ‘people’ for a bit. I have times when it feels like if my DH (who I love dearly) says another word to me, my head will explode. I just want to be left the hell alone.

I do not, however, act like your DH is acting. As that would be abusive. I use my words, articulate my need for space and silence, and step away.

Your husband is behaving abusively. Regardless of the reasons, this is not acceptable.

This is one of those posts where I think it's impossible to give a reasonable answer without hearing/witnessing both sides. Yes, he could be being deliberately moody or unkind. Equally, he could be exhausted, drained and struggling to cope with people talking at him all the time.

Behaviour doesn't need to have a logical, understandable goal/gain in order for it to qualify as abuse. He may just be a very emotionally dysfunctional person, or maybe it's learned behaviour from his upbringing. None of that means it's acceptable for him to treat you that way. If you intend to stay with him, you need to face him with this and talk about it properly. Describe his behaviour, explain why it's not ok and tell him you will not be putting up with it.

He is introverted as am I. I absolutely understand the need for space and wanting to just withdraw. When I get like this, I tell my kids mummy just needs a bit of me time. They understand. I don't take it out on one person for days / weeks on end. I feel im going mental.

I think I would make the choice.

Either tell him that you're kit prepared to put up with this anymore, it's teaching the kids terrible lessons about relationships and maybe it's time to talk about separating and see what that looks like

Or tell him divorce is on the cards if he doesnt knock it off and give him a chance.

But either way a chat is needed.

I guess why I've even started this thread is because I am at my wits end. I'm emotionally exhausted in this relationship. If I walk away I'll throw myself and my children into poverty and I guess this is my attempt to understand/ fix this before I do that. My last chance of trying to make it work.

Sounds like the explanation is that he's a complete dickhead. Does he also ignore the children?

We've spoken about this so many times. Nothing improves.