Can someone please help explain this behaviour?

[CherryCooler]

I'm going out of my mind.

My DH does this thing where he withdraws and just sort of stops talking to me. If I ramble on about stuff eg my day, the kids , everyday stuff, he won't respond so I sort of just shut up and leave him be. If I ask him a question, he'll ignore me or mumble and answer and not look at me or make eye contact. Again, I just don't talk any further and leave him be.

He's not exactly a chatterbox so it's not like a sudden change but almost a slow gradual change and before you know it, it's been several days/ weeks where he hasn't spoken to me properly. During this time, he'll just go into his bed and put his headphones on and ignore everyone.

When I ask him about it, he says it's me that's not talking to him and puts the blame partially on me or he outright just lies and says hes fine and it's in my head.

When he is like this, it obviously hurts me and out of the blue as soon as it appears, he becomes "normal" again, only for it to start again in a few weeks. And on and on this repeats.

I'm left hurt, things are okay, then hurt again. It's like a yo yo of emotions and I'm utterly exhausted by it all. Its started again and I've told him what is wrong. He acknowledged this was happening and walked off saying he doesn't want to talk.

I know you must be thinking what on earth I'm doing with such a guy but I had a shit childhood and was treated badly by my family so I take a lot of crap from ppl as it's my "norm". Sounds crazy I know but I only realised this recently.

I'm asking what the hell is this behaviour. Is it depression, I've not heard of ppl acting like this when depressed. He becomes rude and just my existence annoys him. Is it a personality disorder?! Has anyone come across anyone else like this before?!

He doesn’t like you, he’s making it quite clear

Sounds very much like my ex. I finally realised that he was autistic and then things started making sense.

Is it possible that he is autistic too? If so then what he's getting out of this is what he needs - time to retreat back to his own bubble of silence.

The problem is, as I know all too well, is that you and your kids need a husband and a father, not someone who can't cope with the the daily noise a family brings. So while it helped me understand why he was being kind that, the fact is that he cannot change.

I've even asked him that straight up! He has been like this from the beginning of our relationship

Was there any other behaviours that he exhibited that fit with autism. Did he get diagnosed?

Does he behave this way to his mates, boss, co-workers, his parents/siblings? I'm guessing it's only with you. Because he's a prick and he's abusing you. He likes the power of being able to take his anger out on you and then blaming you for it. Please LTB💐

Yet you chose to ignore the red flag /s and stay with him and have children 🤦🏻‍♀️

@CherryCooler I don't understand, then, how you got together, if was always like this?

I had a long term partner who started off communicative but about 5 years in it all stopped and he wouldn't talk. He watched TV and played video games. It killed the relationship. I'm pretty sure it was a fear of intimacy, because for a year or two he opened up, but it was like the door clamped shut. Maybe I have the intimacy fear too, maybe you do also, but it's much more of a problem if the person won't acknowledge the fear.

I would ask him head on, when he first starts, well, not ask but make a statement. I see you are going into silent mode again. Well, I’m not happy about it but I’m not going to let you blame me for it. If you want to behave like a sulky schoolboy then please go ahead but I am going to continue to speak to you as if you are a functioning adult.

Then, I would do just that. Continue to speak to him as normal. If he won’t reply in anything but mumbles I would say that I don’t speak Mumble so as I would rather X than Y on this matter I shall arrange for X.

Not impossible as OP tells us how he treats her - withdrawing communication then saying it’s her that’s down that

pure gaslighting

This. I’m afraid there are days when I’ve had a lot to do and I just don’t have the bandwidth for my DH rabbitting on about the minutiae of his day or moaning at work.

I do generally tell him kindly that I need a bit of space to decompress, but he doesn’t always take that on board and will continue to follow me around the house talking at me, and sometimes the only way to get space is just to stop responding and go into another room and shut the door.

So it could be this, or OP’s DH could be playing some weird, subtle Machiavellian mind game, or he could just be a grumpy git.

Doesn’t sound like anyone’s having very much fun though.

Yes you use your words

please don’t write this off as autism - see it for what it is

in your own words “your going mental” - that’s what he wants - rather than himself - it’s like a switch

My dad was like this with my mum. We walked on egg shells as kids not knowing what mood he would be in. My parents didn't divorce until I was 18 and my brother 16. They should have done it years before. My dad has tried it on with me as an adult before but I'm stubborn enough not to fall for it. He was meant to help me move into university but got ill during the week. I told him not to worry and get himself better. He ended up not speaking me with me for nearly a month when actually he couldn't have driven let alone moved me in.

Honestly the mind games aren't worth it and it'll be affecting your kids even if they don't outwardly show it. I had a tough time when my kids were really young when I realised how odd our childhood was.

Just to put another idea out there - very gently because if your husband is abusive then I dont want to minimise that. But do you talk to or at your husband. The one time I have seen this dynamic is in a relationship where the wife talked and talked without needing any feedback or response. You could literally see him checking out and of course its a vicious circle because the less he talked the more she did. Do you ask your partner for feedback and need him to be part of the conversation you are having by wanting his input and thoughts or do you just push a train of thought out at him?

It is abusive. If he doesn't want to interact with a partner then he should be single.

You need to get your children away from their abusive father.

Yes, now that I know about it he displays a lot of autistic characteristics. He hasn't got a formal diagnosis but it's really not necessary. He acknowledges that he's autistic now, but it took him a long time to get to that point.

However, it really doesn't matter why he's like this. The point is he is like this and he's not going to change. The effects of it are abusive, even if he's not intentionally doing it. I've spent years living with it and now I recognise his behaviour to be abusive.

If it helps, my ex wasn't always like that, although looking back I can see the signs were there. It only really became a problem after we had kids - they brought noise and the general busyness of a family home, which triggered him massively.

Well then YABU for putting up with it right from the beginning!!

What kind of job does he have OP? Is it stressful or the sort where he’s talking to people all day? You mentioned he’s not usually very chatty, would you say he’s more introverted? If so, he might just need his home environment to mentally recharge in quiet solitude.

If his work is mentally exhausting, the last thing he probably wants after a long day is to answer questions or feel like he’s being talked at. I know that’s not easy to hear, and it must be frustrating for you. But from an introvert’s perspective, sometimes silence or a bit of distance is essential. Space to clear your head after being ‘on’ all day.

It might help to match the energy he’s showing. Give him that quiet space, and let him notice the shift. That pause might give him the chance to reflect and make more of an effort on his own.

Ah sorry - ignore my post. I hadn’t read all the replies and think this has been covered already.

He’s giving her the silent treatment and then blaming her!

I see. It might be the stress, he might struggle to communicate clearly when his mind feels clouded. I can relate, because I also find it hard to stay rational when I’m under stress. If someone tries to talk to me or make small conversation, it’s almost like I feel they’re interrupting my thought process as I try to mentally untangle the day.

I think you need to read the post again

Ooook. I missed the part about weeks passing by. I couldn’t edit my original post to correct my original comment. Sorry OP. Pretend I never entered this discussion.

Lots of people are suggesting what you are but his behaviour seems radically different to me

I’m sure yours doesn’t go on for weeks and you tell your spouse it’s them not talking to you

I'm not so sure from your description as everyone else is that this is deliberate behaviour.

Could he be autistic? It is almost like a very extreme version of introvert "social battery drain" which is common with autism, and so is fluctuating capacity (sometimes being able to handle more social interaction, sometimes less).

BTW I am in total agreement that whatever the cause of the behaviour, if you can't cope with it, you do not owe him a relationship. But you said you wanted to understand it, and this explanation makes more sense to me than deliberately manipulative behaviour just going by what you've described, OP.