Can someone please help explain this behaviour?

[CherryCooler]

I'm going out of my mind.

My DH does this thing where he withdraws and just sort of stops talking to me. If I ramble on about stuff eg my day, the kids , everyday stuff, he won't respond so I sort of just shut up and leave him be. If I ask him a question, he'll ignore me or mumble and answer and not look at me or make eye contact. Again, I just don't talk any further and leave him be.

He's not exactly a chatterbox so it's not like a sudden change but almost a slow gradual change and before you know it, it's been several days/ weeks where he hasn't spoken to me properly. During this time, he'll just go into his bed and put his headphones on and ignore everyone.

When I ask him about it, he says it's me that's not talking to him and puts the blame partially on me or he outright just lies and says hes fine and it's in my head.

When he is like this, it obviously hurts me and out of the blue as soon as it appears, he becomes "normal" again, only for it to start again in a few weeks. And on and on this repeats.

I'm left hurt, things are okay, then hurt again. It's like a yo yo of emotions and I'm utterly exhausted by it all. Its started again and I've told him what is wrong. He acknowledged this was happening and walked off saying he doesn't want to talk.

I know you must be thinking what on earth I'm doing with such a guy but I had a shit childhood and was treated badly by my family so I take a lot of crap from ppl as it's my "norm". Sounds crazy I know but I only realised this recently.

I'm asking what the hell is this behaviour. Is it depression, I've not heard of ppl acting like this when depressed. He becomes rude and just my existence annoys him. Is it a personality disorder?! Has anyone come across anyone else like this before?!

Never mind why he does it, what he is thinking etc. What’s important is how you feel, what you think, how it impacts you. Him.. whatever, he’s a grown up, can think for himself. But you? You are the one that is in control of yourself.
It’s not your responsibility to understand and educate and suffer for his lacks. Simply put: fuck him, he’s not even at the table discussing this, although you pleaded and pleaded for years.
The ball is in your court.

No, weeks like this are unacceptable. There’s no excuse for behaviour like that.

I’m not qualified to say whether this might relate to autistic traits, but honestly, after reading the post properly, the first thing that comes to mind is that he’s having an affair. It seems he’s distancing himself to avoid being in situations where he has to be pleasant, because that would undermine the narrative he’s likely spinning to the other woman. He’s also trying to provoke OP into getting angry so he can play the victim and justify what he’s doing.

It is really difficult to give answers/advice based on limited information. As pp have suggested there could be an element of autism or adhd at play. I fully understand why people are concerned about abuse, particularly if the behaviour is only being aimed at you. All I can give is my own experience of previously undiagnosed and unmanaged adhd.

Functioning in the world and being around people, masking my traits all day was and is completely exhausting. I would arrive home with absolutely nothing left to give, my temper was short, I found others very agitating and would snap quickly. I would do this in particular with my immediate family - not because I was being abusive, but because they were and are my safe haven. I felt comfortable dropping my mask with them.

Things are better now as we have all worked together to find phrases and signals that work for us, whether that is a text before I arrive home saying 'not today scotty', or me walking in the house with my hood up my head down and going for a power nap before I acknowledge any one else. Similarly, if I am in shut down and my family need communication, they have phrases which I know mean I don't have an option.

It must be so difficult to live in that space, especially with children, when he is completely shutting down. Are there any periods of positive communication during which you could make plans for when he feels this way, possibly with a trusted friend or family member present who he behaves around?

Everyone who has given their experience talk about communicating and coming up with solutions

OPs partner isn’t doing this and is turning it on her..

My dh would do this sometimes but it turned out to be a problem he was having that he didn't feel he could share.
It used to really upset me but it turns out it was something very deep rooted from years ago that had been triggered recently.
He eventually opened up after seeing a therapist which brought it all out in the open

As I said in my post, I was sharing my experience.

The understandable concerns around emotional abuse are also why I suggested including a third party in attempts at communication. If his behaviour is intentional and a calculated aim at hurting OP, it is unlikely he will display this in front of other people. It may give OP a clearer understanding of his mental state with regard to control over his own behaviour.

I certainly wouldn't be staying with an ice box of a man who can instantly flip a switch because mother dearest has nipped round for a chat for example. If this is not the case, then at least OP has a witness to the situation who can either try to help support him them both, or help OP work to avoid the poverty of leaving.