To so desperately want deeper friendships

[Jellyrose20]

I have lots of friends. But most of them are superficial level friendship where we go out as a group or text on the group chat.
I have two very close friends but they don't have kids so it draws a line in between our lives. They are amazing and supportive of me and vice versa but there's a limit.
Ive tried really hard to make deeper connections by making effort to have play dates, nighrs with no kids and to oberal keep in touch with mum friends. However overall it feels incredibly one sided and I do feel that if I didn't message them to arrange to meet up we would never see each other. They always say yes to play dates when I arrange them though (they come to the play date too) so I reason they can't really dislike me, but I can't shake the feeling that they must as nobody wants to progress deeper friendship.
I really crave some close 1 on 1 or small group friendships with people going through life as I am right now.
What can I do?

This sounds really really intense. Deeper conversations develop with lots of time, you can't shoehorn them in or force it. Keep having the playdates, chat more with the ones you click most with, and gradually the deeper more personal stuff will happen. But if you force it people will shut down and be guarded.

Can I ask specifically what it is that's intense? This is part of my worry that I come across too intense. I try very hard irl and by text to filter it so it doesn't come across as this but im not sure how to make it not look like that. I usually only message maybe monthly seeing if people up for a meet up. Then if I don't get much back after a meet up I leave it a while so I don't come on too strong. I am so unsure how to balance it all

I remember that feeling when my kids were smaller.Sorry I can't give a proper answer. Perhaps having young children is so absorbing we forget to think about ourselves. In a way ( for me anyway), the main time I get into deep conversations is when I'm in the middle of something traumatic. Have you got a good partner ? I think my life was on hold for a lot of the time my kids were young, but yes of course you do need someone who's got your back. Hope you find someone who you can engage with in this way..

Most people want to meet up to have fun, a laugh and giggle , to enjoy themselves . They aren’t really interested in deep or heavy or intense - and will not respond if that’s the vibe you’re giving .

I think that level of messaging is fine. In my experience it'll be your energy when you meet up (if there is an issue at all - there might not be!). For instance, I have one mum friend who I'll see occasionally because when we meet I find her very draining. She has a sort of frantic energy to her - lots of fast conversation, almost like she's processing out loud and not happy with gaps in conversation, she always has to fill it. She means well, but showers excessive compliments on us, the kids, our friends, our partners - anything vaguely linked that she thinks we like she compliments. I know she means well, it's just a lot to be around so while I'll go on play dates I won't go out of my way to arrange them.

Buttt that's just my experience. You might be totally chilled, and people are busy and it's genuinely nothing to do with how you go about it. X

This.
It takes a long time to reach ‘deep’ friendship with somebody, when you meet on a casual level (ie not in an AA group or cancer support group or suchlike). Probably years.

I kind of get what you mean. I have loads of mum/ school gate friends who I can chat with on mat leave. All my close friends are at least an hour away and most of them don't have children (we are in our mid/late 30s). They have no conception of my day to day life (not their fault) and it's a mission to see them.
I don't really have a solution but I think this is normal when you have young kids. I'm trying to deepen my local friendships whilst also keep my old friendships going.

The deeper friendships I've formed as an adult have all been through hobbies and interests that don't include my children, or through work. They do take quite a while to move from friends to close friends though. I always struggled a bit with trying to form anything beyond fairly superficial friendships with other mums who I met through my children. In person we really only connected because our children were friends, rather than because we had much else in common.

I'm the same as you OP - if I'm good friends with someone, I want and expect regular and quite "deep" connection. When I've posted about that on here I have had my ass handed to me!

I don't think it's you, but it may be a less common thing, combined with busy schedules and good old British reserve.

(I have one good friend where I swear we have managed about five actual conversations in four years between refereeing children, serving dinner, wiping bums and getting toddlers to sit on chairs.)

You have two close friendships.

I really don't understand your issue.

You seem to be trying to find an artificial reason why they are not close ( oh they don't have kids unlike me).

It makes me wonder what is really going on with you?

I don't think that type of friendship is for everyone.

I would class myself as someone with lots of friends - but I'm not comfortable with that level of interaction. I'm a bit more relaxed.

Yeah. I think you hit the nail on the head with this. I don't necessarily expect it regularly but its nice to have that. I am not really one for small talk and although I think im fun, I also I have a deep level that needs fulfilling too. And those people seem to be so rare.
Im sorry you've had a negative experience on here when seeking advice about that. We are all different and it doesn't mean you are wrong.

There are some very nice women out there. With so many at work the pool of women with much time for friends is shallow.

There are also women like this out there, spiteful and envious, you are better off alone. It's fine to have periods of life with few people around, you can pick things up when life changes.

m.youtube.com/shorts/gdnqhfh0iAw

What’s wrong with your two close friends? Why are they less of a friend because they don’t have kids?

If I were you I would stop worrying about other “mum” friends and focus on the good friendships you have.

Yes you may have children in common, but for all you know that’s it!

No but having small kids is really intense and it's normal to want to have a connection with people at the same phase of life. It's not discounting the other friendships. It's OK to want more than two close friends, especially if they aren't nearby!

I don't mean to imply there's anything wrong with my two close friends. I love them dearly and im very lucky to have them. I guess im just craving that mum bestie who understands completely as theyre in the same situation.

Not sure why people are treating you as if you’re mad, OP! I understand how you feel. My children are 4 and under and we moved when my eldest was 2, to an area where I knew nobody. I am naturally a sociable person and am gradually building up friendships, mainly with other mums, but I think that this takes time and is tricky when there’s always a toddler in tow. I think that hopefully some of these friendships will stick, though I know plenty will be transient or situational. My best friends all live several hours away in various directions and are either equally busy with small children, or don’t have children. It can be hard to maintain these friendships but I try and keep in touch and see them when I can, in the hope that they will weather this phase. Sending love!

I don't think I said they weren't close friends? That's certainly not how I feel.

What would you suggest you think is going on with me, or prompt me to consider?

But even mum friends aren't in the same situation. They will parent differently, work different hours, have different values.

Thank you. I anticipated the negative comments tbh and it is water off a ducks back. I know people are all different and I understand why for some people who are maybe not like me I may not be their cup of tea and they may feel the need to tell me i am mad/ weird. But im really not bothered. It doesn't mean im any less grateful for comments like yours though. Thank you.

I could bear it no more - the vacuous nearly killed me!!! The sheer superficiality was literally nauseating.

I started a treasure hunt of deeper souls. I found them in women’s circles, mediation and any group with a conscience.

The one thing I did that was far more helpful was changing MY behaviiour. Instead of going along with the happy clapping i was honest about my feelings, experiences. Those that responded in a similar way stayed in my life, those giggly, fickle good time girls could jog on. Be more discerning with your time op. You are right to insist on authenticity and connection.

I obviously didnt mean this literally.

This is amazing advice thank you. Authenticity breeds authentic relationships. Thank you so much.

How old are your children? Those relationships take years to come and often come after challenges youve both faced. How is your relationship with your partner?