To so desperately want deeper friendships

[Jellyrose20]

I have lots of friends. But most of them are superficial level friendship where we go out as a group or text on the group chat.
I have two very close friends but they don't have kids so it draws a line in between our lives. They are amazing and supportive of me and vice versa but there's a limit.
Ive tried really hard to make deeper connections by making effort to have play dates, nighrs with no kids and to oberal keep in touch with mum friends. However overall it feels incredibly one sided and I do feel that if I didn't message them to arrange to meet up we would never see each other. They always say yes to play dates when I arrange them though (they come to the play date too) so I reason they can't really dislike me, but I can't shake the feeling that they must as nobody wants to progress deeper friendship.
I really crave some close 1 on 1 or small group friendships with people going through life as I am right now.
What can I do?

I feel you OP. I try and make happy conversation with all the parents and mums especially at the school gate. I’m hoping eventually there’ll be one or two that I really click with. I have a couple of really close old friends and they both live an hour away. With juggling schedules we only see each others once every 2 months. I really miss them and miss having that kind of relationship but with someone I can hang out with regularly too. The problem is with toddlers around, I barely know any of them as people because it’s hard to get to that authentic level of chat. Not talking about anything super deep, but just not about kids!

And my DP is wonderful, but we both need friendships too.

I think we just have to wait it out a bit. Keep meeting new people, initiate the play dates, and in a few years we’ll be able to talk to each other too. I see it in slightly older women I’ve met. My hairdresser was telling me about meeting her group when she took up yoga at 45. She said she’d become so much happier since her kids were a bit older and she could explore her interests.

Different stages of life is all.

I am sorry I gave you the ick, but I am more sorry you felt compelled to say it out loud. Mean girl vibes.

I know exactly what you mean OP.
My advice would be to find some people that are not British. I have made friendships like you describe with women from southern European counties. They do small talk but relatively quickly big talk too. I think British people are trained to not do it!
And maybe also some people get those deep meaningful conversations from family rather than friends.

Not sure why the weird mean comments from some posters. As I said, totally get you!

But deep connection follows the kind of friendships I’m talking about, in a natural, relaxed way, if it’s meant to. You can’t force / expedite this process, in my experience.

Finding a friend you click with on that deeper level is hard, it's as hard as trying to find a romantic partner, perhaps it's even harder because there isn't a best friend app and it's not socially acceptable to tell people you are friendship 'single' and looking!

I find it much easier to make deep connections in romantic/ intimate situations than in platonic/ friendship ones.

Thank you. It is just mumsnet isn't it. Theres always a few posters looking to try and kick someone when they're down. Not my kinda vibe type people.

Maybe I misunderstood you or vice versa, but i thought you were saying you had made long lasting lasting friendships after you became more of a light hearted, socialising friend. Which, as I said, fair enough if that works for you. But its not what I need or want. I already have lots of that sort of friendship.

I’ll be honest. Just reading your post I’m getting an intense/desperate/clingy vibe.

FT working mum here, with two primary aged kids and 2 dogs. Life is relentless. I’ve got nice mates across work and life to go for the odd dinner with but frankly I’ve got no time or headspace for a “mum bestie” or deep friendships. DH and I are just about juggling work, and 2 human and 2 canine dependents just about. DH total introvert and home person. I do a couple dinners a month with colleagues in groups. But these aren’t “besties”. We are all just busy people who have a pint on occasion and go and crash on their sofas to watch The Traitors with their other halves.

In other words not everyone is craving a “mum bestie”.

Ive read all the comments sorry op i dont get the problem.
What sort of mates you looking for?

Like i have 2 close mates were we can call day or night anytime we are there for each other no matter what.
We can go to eachothers homes without calling day or night we are welcome.
The sort of mates you wake up in bed with because we got so hammered the night before,or the fact we want a cheaper deal on holiday and book one room.
Holidays, outings, gossip, the sort friends that will even lie for you.
However we are all childless by choice.
And we are a bunch of introverts we just click.

But it takes time ive known the above for nearly 27 years but we clicked on day one.

Just be you, you will find your crowd.

I had DC before my friends did. I never developed any deep friendships with mum friends. I think it's because we were just spending time together for the children, it wasn't an organic friendship where we clicked. Unlike my pre-DC friends who I seen a lot less of but we were still really close friends. I think you may be best just seeing mum friends as temporary for this stage of life but have your main investment in your deep friendships.

Just being honest? Did you read my previous post? I have several of these deep and meaningful friendships you’re seeking from school, uni and now ‘mum’ NCT friends - the key is authenticity - your people will come to you when you find yourself that’s why your post gave me the ick as it sounds desperate. Hold yourself high, don’t go seeking it - work on yourself the rest will follow. One of my closest friendships is two years old the other 35 years old. Find you, be you, your people will follow. I’m just talking from experience not meanness! No people pleasing no fawning! Maybe that’s what hurts?!

Think of it like dating, you’ll eventually find that one special friend or group of friends, when you do it will progress naturally.

When you say “deep connection” - what kind of thing are you looking for? I’ve only started to make friendships since this summer by regular play dates which has progressed to occasional coffee/wine catch ups.

I really like everyone I hang out with and even though I’m getting to know them quite well, I still think the chat is light. We’ve touched on a few deep subjects, like my mum’s cancer diagnosis for example, but I don’t go into the nitty gritty of it all.

I understand this urge and have experienced it over the years. I have found mum friends to be quite transient. They ebb and wane through different stages: nursery/ school/ secondary school etc. Those that last are the ones were we share values, passions and lifestyle similarities. That said if the mum friends you have ti k those boxes, I don’t agree that it can take a long time to get to that deeper level. I find people usually open up quite quickly in a non judgmental atmosphere with the right energy. It’s about finding common ground. Are you a good listener? People love being listened to. Listen for the tit bits. The hints. The unsaid but implied stuff. It is so flattering when someone truly sees you/ hears you, without rushing to share their two pence worth. I find its also a welcome distraction from my own shit too. And can give lots of clues as to how you might build the friendship. Listening is such an Underrated skill. Maybe look into that.

You explained that you didn’t mean emotionally draining / needy and just wanted deep and meaningful conversations, which I took to mean something more than the light-hearted, easy going friendships I described. Okay. What I’m saying is, rarely do those develop outside the light-hearted, easy going friendships. That comes first, usually. If you’re someone people want to be around, they are more likely to open up to you. But like I say, this regardless only happens if it’s meant to - you can’t force it.

This is what happened to me, I had a group of five friends, we were friends for years meeting at garden centres for coffee, for walks and dinners out. Then one NYE during the day we all met up and one the ladies quietly asked if I could stay after the get together for a chat which I did. It turned out she had a big life event and for whatever reason thought I’d understand/help/listen to her which I did. I then confided in something I was going through.
This took the friendship to whole different level. We still met in the group but we also met frequently on our own and literally could talk about anything. This happened 11 years ago and I’d known her a similar amount of time before.

It’s really sad to me how people on here are saying they don't have the time or headspace for a deep friendship. Each to their own I guess but I can’t imagine going through life without deep friendships. I guess just how some people feel they need a partner in their life otherwise their life doesn’t feel full…for some of us we crave that deep friendship with females too 🤷‍♀️
fun friends obviously have their place in life too, but the fun friend isn’t the one you’re going to be calling when your kid is sick and you need help or when a family member dies.

I know I do, I have three sons and no sister so my female friends are really important to me.

Yes, and I'd also add you can't really predict which light/casual friendship will become a deeper one, and it can take years to actually get to that stage. It'll often be through circumstance or luck. One of my closest friends now is someone I only knew as a friend-of-a-friend-of-a-friend who was often at the same parties I was at - for an entire decade I didn't really say anything to her outside of small talk. Then someone else arranged a spontaneous pub outing, I popped along because I happened to be in the same area at the same time, it was just me, her and our mutual friend... who bailed early. So completely unplanned we had one-on-one drinks, actually talked to each other properly and never looked back.

All friendships start off light and casual. No one wants to do deep and meaningful stuff off the bat with a new acquaintance. You just have to be open to situations where getting to know someone a bit better might happen.

(The opposite can happen too! I had a very intense friendship in my late teens and early 20s with someone at university, and it was intense from the word go because of how we met. Thought we would be BFFs for life. But it completely evaporated after we graduated, I'm still not 100% sure why but I haven't even seen her in 18 years.)

Expanding on my post above, the deep connections I made with school mums came from a place of vulnerability. One day, my childminder, who was also a school mum, broke down in tears at nursery drop off because her husband had left her. I then confided in her about my relationship issues and, long story short, the friendship turned from superficial to a deep friendship and we helped each other through our transition to single parenthood. Round about the same time a new single parent family moved to the area and our daughters were in the same class. We took the girls to the park together and the mum confided in me about her reason for moving back to the area. Through her, I got to know her sisters who had older children and were bringing them up together as single parents. I would say this pattern repeated with several other mums until we had a solid group of six who had a friendship that went beyond superficial.

I understand that not everyone finds themselves in the midst of a relationship breakdown epidemic! But I do think that there is something about vulnerability and being in crisis that initiates a deeper relationship, as PP described about the friend at the garden centre confiding in her.

In my own experience you just have to have the courage to be yourself.
in my earlier years l masked very hard to fit in and felt like l lost a part of myself through doing so.
If you are able to drop your guard, others tend to drop theirs. You can soon pick up on the level of connection others are happy with. Life experiences shape people, the more you go through the more you grow. I always find the people who have been hit hard by life the most interesting, they are the ones who hold a deep and beautiful kind of depth. It's rare to find such connections but once you do they become life long.

I'm probably going to get shot down in flames here OP but I think there's plenty evidence on this thread alone. I don't think as many people as you seem to imagine actually have that hinterland or capacity for what it is you seek. What you see is what you get with a lot of people. And those people who say it takes years, I don't think so, colleagues I hardly know share very deep vulnerable things about themselves in a work setting with me reasonably often, far more than playgroup mummies ever did.

It is hard op your right. I think people so busy now. My friend is juggling older parents too. People dont want deep friendships I find. Not easy. I def try not to be needy as we have a colleague who is and she full on. I just want to keep work seperate to home life. Did you meet any school mams good way to see people

Yes, I like a bit of both, who doesn't like fun?

The hedonistic extroverted people are more likely to be out in the world doing things, the introverts are at home with hobbies and pondering life more.