DH double booking Christmas arrangements

[whitewinefriday]

I am being deliberately vague about the details.

DH and I have plans with my family in mid December (Plan A). DH has now made arrangements with a friend of his (Plan B) which clash. Its not a total clash, but its highly likely that Plan A will be impacted in some way by Plan B. I have asked DH to find another date to see his friend and he said he would try.

But if he can't find another date, and my family plans end up being impacted, am I within my rights to decline to attend an arrangement with his family, the following week?

Sounds petty to me but then again I wouldn't be particularly bothered if my DP missed a date with my family. I'd just go on my own. Likewise, I'd only go and see his family if I wanted to, so I wouldn't cancel on principal as that would mean cancelling something I wanted to do.

I think you’re both being unreasonable and your response is childish. Just discuss it properly with him

When he double books is it usually or exclusively impacting plans with your family or are plans with his own family sometimes affected?

I'm sure it would be very 'outing' for OP to give more detail 😂

It's too vague to really have an opinion.
In my own marriage we don't really care if one of us can't make plans with the others' family. We make the effort sure but we just go by ourselves if the other can't make it. Don't get me wrong big occasions are different but if my DH can't make a birthday lunch for my mum I'm all too happy to go and have some girly time with my mum.

One answer is that you do plan A and he doesn't. He does Plan B.

You decide if you want to be petty enough to arrange Plan D which impacts on Plan C (visit his family) to drive the point home.

The sensible answer and the one that we are keen on MN to make sure our DCs understand is that your DH has a commitment - Plan A - and it is hugely rude and disrespectful to then change to Plan B. So he rearranges his friend, with grace, and doesn't pull any stunts like that again.

I think we need more information really. Is there a reason you can’t crack on with Plan A as planned and he leaves early? It’s annoying he’s done this, especially if he was fully aware of the plans. But I don’t know what you’d gain from refusing to see his parents the following week. What would you do, just sit at home alone whilst he goes out with his family? Then you just look like the daft one.

First post nails it.

It's not "matching energy" to cut short a different engagement, it's just pettiness. And this s all hypothetical since DH hasn't even tried to rearrange the thing anyway.

If it is just a casual meet up then it's highly unlikely that no other date will be possible. If it's a scheduled event that is harder to rearrange but also more reasonable to tweak another engagement around. How reasonable or unreasonable you are both being re the original date depends entirely on the details you're not sharing, but for you to randomly (and at this stage hypothetically) cut short a different engagement just to spite him would be... childish and spiteful.

It's tit for tat.

Having seen people used that as a relationship technique, I'd say the path tends to wend its way downhill.

It's hard to say without knowing details, but can you just ensure you don't get caught up impacting your Plan A?

I voted yabu because it's not his families fault that he's a dick; having said that I would be fuming and if logistics mean you can't stay on your own I would be insisting that HE calls your family and explains why your plans need to be shortened, let him take ownership of fucking up the diary.

I agree especially if he has form for this kind of thing. My DP did this when my parents had come to visit on a weekend that my DP had suggested would be best and then he booked up other stuff. I didn't particularly mind but I did think it was unfair in that I am sure he would have been annoyed with me if it was the other way round. I do think it can end up working only one way in that one person prioritises agreements made and the other person does more what they want.

It's always so 'outing' on an anonymous thread of millions of users! 🤣🤣

Plans with family in December.... so outing

I agree with this post.

A lot depends on the details of Plan A and Plan B.

For instance, is it just a case of you ensuring that you, at least, shorten Plan B to get to Plan A on time? I would definitely do this - even if it means taking separate cars, leaving him to take a taxi etc.

But impacting Plan C is a bit childish and retributive, which isn't a great dynamic in a relationship. It is also totally unfair on the other participants of Plan C.

I think it also depends on whether ‘planning tyranny’ is an issue in your household!

Some people like to plan far in advance. That’s fine, but not everybody is able to. Some people like to get in early and tend to monopolise the calendar far in advance leaving little flexibility to others, which isn’t fair. I’m on the receiving end of this with some family members…

Well he shouldn't plan things that interfere with established plans. I'd ask him to move his new plan. How much would it affect seeing your parents?

Why can’t you see your family and DH see his friend?

What is the actual impact on Plan A? Is it being cut short by one hour or three? Is there something booked for a particular time, and can it be rebooked for a different time or not? Is it possible for your husband to leave Plan A early, or get there late, but your own movements are unaffected? Is he willing to try to rearrange Plan B or is he refusing? We need all of that info to give relevant advice...

Using Plan C as petty tit-for-tat revenge isn't a great way behave, though I will say that if you don't enjoy visiting his family then you don't have to commit to going every single time. I assume if you enjoyed their company you wouldn't use the visit as a bargaining chip.

Well, she probably can (unless they only have one car or something). I think it's probably more the principle that DH saw that they were visiting OP's family on the calendar, booked something else knowing that the family visit would be impacted some way (cut short, or he wouldn't be going etc) but then still expects OP to visit his family with him the next week.

So the consensus seems to be that its fine to expect DH to honour the first commitment, but a tit-for-tat situation is not a good thing to do.

Thank you for all the opinions.

Love that term @Crambino ‘planning tyranny’ so true and wonder if is a mn thing… quick ninja filling of the family calendar and then everyone else has no choice as ‘it’s in the calendar!!’

Is this situation a complete one off?

I also wonder whether your husband double-booking was a mistake, or if he knew A was in the calendar but thinks he can do both and was planning to do so? Because the latter sounds fine, if it doesn't impact your timing.

Plus it does matter how formal or casual both A and B are. If A is dropping in on someone for drinks then it doesn't matter if he's not there for all of it. If it's a fancy restaurant meal with a large party, less so.

... to which I would add, also fine for you to ensure you meet Plan A and take steps to do so (eg leaving when you need to, even if that means leaving without him.)

I think it's petty to ad hoc cancel on your partner's family in a couple of weeks, but it's also ok to match energy when it comes to a general pattern of commitment to family events.

The faux-naivety about the enjoyability of family visits on the thread is a bit annoying - of course plenty of people don't relish spending time with their un-chosen relatives (in laws or blood)!

So logistics aside, if you don't always want to go to family get togethers, I'd say it's ok to skip the odd one if that's something you'd prefer (in advance, not as tit-for-tat).