DH double booking Christmas arrangements

[whitewinefriday]

I am being deliberately vague about the details.

DH and I have plans with my family in mid December (Plan A). DH has now made arrangements with a friend of his (Plan B) which clash. Its not a total clash, but its highly likely that Plan A will be impacted in some way by Plan B. I have asked DH to find another date to see his friend and he said he would try.

But if he can't find another date, and my family plans end up being impacted, am I within my rights to decline to attend an arrangement with his family, the following week?

OP hasn’t said it is her parents - might be her distant cousin’s nativity play. Meanwhile, DH wants to take his own father to a hospital appointment.

OP, it matters what the events ARE.

Reads like he’s going to be hungover when you have plans with your family.

And you will be embarrassed about him. And embarrassed to go alone instead.

Have a think about that.

if a was in the diary first then b shouldn’t have been booked DH is a tit for doing that - he should change or rearrange b.

why is this even a debate??

Its got nothing to do with alcohol and everything to do with timing and logistics

Well, if you want to turn an unfortunate clash/inconvenience into a complete family drama, crack on!
Not really sure what you’d be achieving though, other than punishing people who had nothing to do with the diary clash?

You’re annoyed, I get it. But be a grown-up, talk it through and do your best to accommodate everything.

The 'deliberate vagueness' doesn't assist others in deciding who is BU or offering helpful suggestions.

But when Plan A has been in the diary for some time, I wouldn't call it an unfortunate clash, more like bad manners on DH's part? Don't you usually honour the first commitment?

If this is a regular pattern of behaviour then you have either a DH problem, or a communication-of-plans problem.

If this is a one off then you should grow up.

Of course, if it’s possible!
But to refuse to see his family because of it seems a little dramatic and unnecessary. They didn’t do anything wrong.

But the result is punishing his parents who may be looking forward to seeing OP and they didn’t do anything wrong.

Surely if Plan B is going to be shortened by Plan A, then your own original plans are fine and it’s the plans your DH subsequently made with his friend that will be impacted ? So your plan is still going ahead ? You not going to the plans with his family the following week is illogical and petty, surely ? Surely it would be the plan with his friend that you wouldn’t go to, if that was the route you wanted to take ??

This, or is it that he is going out for a drink the night before and he’s designated driver for the trip to your parents so need to wait till all alcohol gone from system?

So he will arrive late or leave early?
TBh as you say you see the family regularly I don’t think it needs to be a problem. Christmas is a busy time, in my family we generally understand and take a flexible attitude.

I think it depends a bit on what A is and how much it would need to be compromised. If it’s tea and a country walk and he wants to leave at 3 whereas you’ll take your time and maybe stay till 4 or 5, I can’t see that being a big issue.

But if he’s going to be leaving a Panto during the interval or late to a sit-down meal, that’s different and not ok.

The vagueness doesn't help, but if it not a hangover issue and both plans can happen, then you've already compromised. Although, you do sound pissed off and preparing for petty, so I doubt any of the plans will go well.

It happens and easily sorted between friends. Your DH should txt to his friend:
Hi John, I just realised that our trip clashes with the trip to Whitewine’s family. Really sorry I completely forgot about it. Can we rearrange to the week after? The first two drinks are on me. Mark.

or something similar. It’s what I did, my DH did, DH’s friend did, my friend did over years at least once.

I think it’s impossible to give a fair opinion unless you tell us (roughly, we don’t need details) what Plan A and B entail.

Also, what’s his explanation for the double booking? Is he apologetic?

Its difficult to say much without knowing how Plan A is affected by Plan B. Does it mean cutting time with your family short so that Plan B can be accommodated? If so, then yes, that's a bit shit of DH to plan something that means the other plan is negatively impacted. I would be a bit pissed off by this too.

However, its a bit petty and childish to then say you are not going to meet with his family because of this.

Find a more adult way to sort it out.

Not automatically. I'd try to find a workaround so that we all get to see the people we want to see over the holiday. Surely there's some sort of compromise?

Way too vague to give a proper opinion … effective it be what ? An hour? A day? Two days? Who knows !

It get’s busy up to Christmas, and sometimes plans change to accommodate, bid of flexibility is fine.

I think chucking your toys out the pram, is a bit pathetic. Seeing families isn’t transactional “I’ll only see yours, if you see mins” or shouldn’t be anyway.

As someone who has spent years bending to others, please heed this. Matching the energy is not petty; it's a powerful move that restates your needs and boundaries (a much overused word). If the other party doesn't like it, it's them that's done it to themselves ... matching energy is very relevant in a relationship where compromise is one-sided and flexibility is taken for granted.

God it’s like pulling teeth this thread.

That’s petty, I’m afraid, as you would be punishing his family for his error - if he cannot rearrange with the friend... then he cancels. Be clear that this is what he will do. Or he can rearrange it for when it clashes with the visit to his family and he can contact them to explain why that is curtailed/cancelled.

Plan B would need to be shortened to accommodate Plan A.

Well, what's the problem then?

You've made plan A with your family which is going ahead untouched. If he will shorten his Plan B, how does that affect you?

OP, you aren't giving nearly enough detail/history here for this thread to be remotely useful to you but if Plan A (yours) isn't affected by Plan B (his) I genuinely don't get the issue.

I think you’re conflating two separate things.

He should honour commitment A and rearrange commitment B (assuming this person isn’t visiting from Australia/terminally
ill etc).

Not seeing his parents seems a bit irrelevant tbh, it’s not their fault their adult child has double booked himself.

That would be incredibly childish and petty of you to refuse to see loved ones on whatever side because on an unrelated previous occasion where your husband fucked up some plans to see your side of the family. How ridiculous, tit for tat silliness.

Be annoyed but don't be silly and punish your in-laws, also your family, because your husband has been a pain.