To despair of my mum

[Fizzyrosie]

My Dad has dementia but he's still himself. Forgetting stuff but managing to talk, dress and still cracks jokes. He's like a big toddler really but he does seem to be going downhill quite fast. My mum has always been hard work and they've always argued. She does a lot for him but often gets frustrated at him. I go round at least once a week to help, often twice. He often seems scared and talks of mum shouting at him.
I work full-time and so does DH. I manage a team and it can be stressful. We have one amazing DD who is 12. And a dog. Life is busy.
Tonight has been awful. My mum thought I was coming round today (misunderstanding) but I had to go into the office and couldn't. She couldn't reach me (as I was leading a big meeting) for a few hours. I texted when I could.
She was so angry with me when I did call in the evening. She'd obviously been drinking. She was shouting saying I didn't care about my dad.
I went round and she was so drunk she could hardly stand and collapsed. My dad was so worried. She ended up vomiting and I got her in bed eventually. She kept saying she can't cope and that my dad hadn't loved her enough for her to 'do this anymore'. Thinking I might need to reduce my hours to do more of the caring, give my mum a break, at least in the short term but my DH isn't keen. We struggle to get everything done as it is. They are about to move house (selling a second home) as my mum wants to protect the assets rather than all of it going on my dad's care. Just feel so unprepared for all of this.

AIBU to despair of my mum but also to get real and start to explore flexible working

I wouldn't despair of her - she's doing a very difficult job that you aren't. That's not a dig at you - you aren't in a position to do it, but her life must be incredibly difficult.

You say your dad is like a big toddler - I'm guessing your mum is also older- can you imagine looking after a toddler 24/7 in your older years? I dont think many people could do it. Apart from when you are there she must have no break ever. Remember when your kids were little (if you have kids) and you sometimes couldn't leave the room to go to the toilet or to get a shower? Where you slept on high-alert in case you heard them get out of bed? That's your mum's life now.

And looking after a "big toddler" must be much harder than looking after an actual toddler. You can't catch an adult when they run off, its harder to dress them, etc. You don't have the social support - toddler groups, play dates, other mums to chat to, even a health visitor to ring.

And unlike an actual toddler your mum knows this is going to get worse not better. Your mum must see the rest of her life, her own remaining years of independence being swallowed by at best caring for a big toddler and at worst, much worse. It must be hard enough if you've had a lovely, joyous marriage but if it was already fractured it must add a whole orher dimension.

So please dont despair her. She's struggling and needs support. Please contact adults social care and see if there's any help they can offer her..

Has she had some legal advice re her finances? Unfortunately she has probably left it too late to protect her money and any attempt to do so now is likely to be considered deliberate deprivation of assets.

Your mum must be fraught, stressed and in despair. I don’t think you have a right to be annoyed at her.

You have a perfect right to your feelings, she has a perfect right to hers.

Don't put yourself in the position of carer, you won't be able to escape from that huge burden. And it is a huge burden, hence your mum is not coping well.

She's going to have to source outside care quickly.

Do not reduce your hours and make life more difficult for you at home, that will just make you even more resentful

You need to work with your mum to get carers in to support her, are there groups your dad can go to during the day to give your mum a break?

what are longer term plans if he gets so bad he can’t be at home? Start planning now

I lived with my dad with dementia and it led to me trying to take my own life, it’s a fucking horrendous situation. Your poor mum. Don’t be annoyed at her, it’s a living hell. They aren’t “big toddlers” they are grown adults who are strong and it’s just the most awful thing to go through.

spa course she was angry that you didn’t come when she thought you were, even if it was a misunderstanding. It’s hard being alone with them.

its also not easy to get help - no one cares.

How is your mum's drinking in general?
Has she always been a heavy drinker?
I ask because you don't seem shocked that you arrived to find her absolutely off her tits.

She was clearly drinking while in charge of a vulnerable adult today, and I wonder if the occasions when your dad says she shouted at him were times when she had been drinking too?

I think your mum's drinking needs to be addressed here.

Cutting your hours is fine if that is what you want to do and you can afford to, but I would not advise doing it in order to become an unpaid carer. Once you start down that road, there will be no end to it.

Sounds like your mum needs help. Rather than focusing on protecting their assets unfortunately she (and you as a family) need to look into what support would help and to pay carers to help now.

Today is the best he will ever be.
Start looking into care. Don’t do more. Prioritise yourself, your DH and DC. No better use of their assets towards end of life.

Do not reduce your hours. Every expectation will fall on you to provide care and you will break. The system relies on unpaid care. Your mum is in exactly this position right now - she is breaking. Do not pick up the gauntlet.

Time to start arranging carers and time off for your mum.

Op I think your mum is probably overwhelmed with looking after your dad. Could/would she consider having carers in

You can’t stop your DM drinking. Pay for care. Or try to get some from the SS. Pay for a buddy to take DF out for a walk /to a cafe in the afternoon -anythin to give Dm a break.
Being housebound with my elderly mother who could no longer walk any distance would have driven me nuts - so much worse if she’d had dementia.

If she cant cope he needs carers in or a care home you cannot leave him under care of an abusive acoholic

She has been drinking as a release. Don't think she's alcoholic tbh.

I think she's annoyed with him pretty much all the time, the drinking is about trying to relax and a release.

And I do understand how hard it is and I'm doing what I can but it's evidently not nearly enough. she can't cope...and he's not that bad but it is only going to get a lot worse. Dementia is a one way road I get that.

She needs extra support and they have the money so we just need to get that in place for both of them.

She does have breaks, he goes out with friends and I'm round so she can have a break. Think I'll just try to use holiday and take some time rather than anything too drastic like reducing my hours which might effect my career.

I'm not annoyed/angry as I do understand so it's more of a realisation and my despair is more of a loss of hope in her capacity to care for him.

You and your mum should go and look at care homes. There are some very good ones. If they have a second home they can afford it.

I see it from both sides - I have a job that can be all consuming too and I also have an elderly dad who has lots of health problems, not to mention really struggling with the day to day admin of his home and life. I do as much as I can but even though I’m not a full time carer, at times it’s completely overwhelming trying to juggle it all.

I remember one time coming home after my dad had been really sick for 4 weeks and I cared for him non stop - I raced straight to the fridge and got mashed on a bottle of wine. I’m not normally a massive drinker but I just needed to ‘escape’ and feel something other than constant worry and stress.

I think full time carers deserve a medal - they don’t get any ‘pay’ (Carers Allowance, if they’re entitled to it, doesn’t count) and they carry the whole load - everything from the emotional worry through to toileting. It can be unrelenting. The country is often held together by unpaid carers like your mum, who do a valuable service in keeping people out of the care/social services system.

Even if your mum is a difficult character, you can have a chat and say ‘how can I support you and dad?’ I would advise (as others have said) against cutting your hours but instead, if there’s money, outsourcing help. Get them a cleaner or someone to sit with dad so mum can go out or…whatever she needs to have a regular break. I’ve got a good set-up for my dad now. He has carers several times a day, there’s a cleaner plus a lady who collects and returns the washing. He’s also got a good local community of friends and that combined with what I do, we muddle through. If there isn’t much money, they’ll still be able to access help from social services, whether that’s little adjustments round the house or care packages/befriending services.

If you haven’t already, do the legal stuff and have honest conversations about what you’ll do when this progresses. Lots of people with dementia live very successfully at home but their carers need a lot of support - it’s too much for one person to carry alone.

It's my mum that doesn't want their money to all get gobbled up for my dad's care. She has had some financial advice hence the house move to reduce the properties but the sale is still going through so tricky in this interim period.

She is an alcoholic
and living with a very vulnerable dementia striker partner

to say this is a dangerous combination would be an understatement

Your mother sounds appalling

I feel for her, but she can't expect to have her cake and eat it too.

You're helping as much as you can given your other responsibilities. She has to choose whether to spend the money on help or continue doing it herself. She can't make her want to save money your problem (and your financial sacrifice, which is what reducing your working hours would mean)... the answer is there she just doesn't like it.

Could you persuade her to get some paid care in at least?
Please don’t cut back your hours and jeopardise your own future.
You could contact social care and ask that your DFs needs be reassessed. I am in Scotland so I know it’s different but sounds like it is too much for your DM. They may be able to provide sitters for your DM to go out. I don’t know but it’s worth a try.

OP hasn’t said her mum is an alcoholic. Having one night where everything gets massively overwhelming and you drink too much doesn’t necessarily make you alcohol dependent.

You have 2 young DC. You need to put your family interests first. 1-2 days help a week when you have a busy full time job & young family is as much as anyone can manage. You need to put your own oxygen mask on first. Take a look at the elderly parents board, I’ve found a lot of help there.
And work on your Mum to pay for professional carers to come in. Once a week for a couple of hours to start with then you can increase it as they get used to it. That is what their money is for.

i Would imagine the mother is drinking a lot in the house alone that the op is unaware of on the basis of this

Also make sure you get Lasting Power of Attorney sorted for both of them, if you haven’t already.