To despair of my mum

[Fizzyrosie]

My Dad has dementia but he's still himself. Forgetting stuff but managing to talk, dress and still cracks jokes. He's like a big toddler really but he does seem to be going downhill quite fast. My mum has always been hard work and they've always argued. She does a lot for him but often gets frustrated at him. I go round at least once a week to help, often twice. He often seems scared and talks of mum shouting at him.
I work full-time and so does DH. I manage a team and it can be stressful. We have one amazing DD who is 12. And a dog. Life is busy.
Tonight has been awful. My mum thought I was coming round today (misunderstanding) but I had to go into the office and couldn't. She couldn't reach me (as I was leading a big meeting) for a few hours. I texted when I could.
She was so angry with me when I did call in the evening. She'd obviously been drinking. She was shouting saying I didn't care about my dad.
I went round and she was so drunk she could hardly stand and collapsed. My dad was so worried. She ended up vomiting and I got her in bed eventually. She kept saying she can't cope and that my dad hadn't loved her enough for her to 'do this anymore'. Thinking I might need to reduce my hours to do more of the caring, give my mum a break, at least in the short term but my DH isn't keen. We struggle to get everything done as it is. They are about to move house (selling a second home) as my mum wants to protect the assets rather than all of it going on my dad's care. Just feel so unprepared for all of this.

AIBU to despair of my mum but also to get real and start to explore flexible working

She did rule it out. She said she thinks her mum drinks to help with the stress but she doesn’t think her mum is an alcoholic.
I would imagine OP is better suited to make this judgement than strangers on an internet forum.

I fully understand how easy it is to fall into bad habits at times of high stress. I’ve done it with both overeating and drinking too much - but when help arrived and the stress was relieved, I was able to steady myself and get back on track. I don’t judge others who do this.

You can't reduce your income to save mum spending her savings. That would be insane.

Contact Age UK's helpline. They are absolutely excellent and will talk you through the options and possibly arrange a face to face appointment for you and mum with their benefits and care costs experts.

I imagine that the Alzheimer's society might offer similar advice appointments.

Don't think she's alcoholic tbh.

is not ruling it out

and I think she's annoyed with him pretty much all the time, the drinking is about trying to relax and a release.

if she’s annoyed with him “all” the times d drinking is her release - then it would indicate that behind closed doors there’s probably a lot more of it.

and look at the mother’s behaviour when she was drunk? Shouting, blind drunk, on verge of collapsing

It does seem a little unfair that your mum wants you to make sacrifices so that she doesn’t have to spend her own money on carers to take some of the burden. It will be documented that your dad has dementia it will be obvious she’s depriving herself of assets before he gets worse to avoid paying for care. Which means the taxpayer will be paying it for her when she has more than enough assets to fund care herself. I really felt for her until I read this and I could understand it if she was poor and had no assets or savings.

Op your father is very vulnerable
your mother is under tremendous stress but also doesn’t sound particularly pleasant. And booze is exacerbating that.

As I said, OP is looking for support and these comments are not helpful.

There is an urgency to the situation I suspect

Being a full time carer is completely different to visiting once a week, especially when there is dementia involved. Your mum is clearly struggling, so yes YABU to despair of her. She is also probably grieving for the life that she thought she/they would have when they reached retirement. You are also only seeing a snapshot of how your dad is on a daily basis, because you visit weekly (not having a go btw), but dementia can make people aggressive, angry, and really hard work to be around. Maybe bear that it mind.

@Fizzyrosie I really don’t think you understand what’s involved in being the live in carer for a loved one. Your mother’s at her absolute wits end and can’t take any more. It sounds like without substantial respite and carer package it’s time for your dad to move to residential care

Thanks for everyone's comment. As usual mumsnet is a useful place to have some no bullshit answers.

We can't go on so going to push on the carers. She has her heart set on the move and the new house but we're going to have to get this sorted.

Thanks all.

Is your Dad on any medication? The progress of dementia can be slowed.

Your Mum needs a carer assessment and some support. Look into claiming Attendance Allowance for your father and spending the money on carers for him.

Drinking so much that you collapse is not usually the experience of an occasional drinker.

Well that's too bad because thats what savings/assets are for. No one could have legally advised her otherwise, liquidating an asset just means you have more cash. Of course few of us make good decisions under great stress, and there are few things more stressful than caring for someone with dementia.

You need to engage social services and get some care in place. I understand your mum doesn’t want her money all to go on care but that isn’t the priority right now. At the moment neither of them are safe or sadly capable and so your top priority needs to be ensuring that happens. It doesn’t mean your Dad will be wheeled off to a care home, there’s many many steps before that, but addressing it early and getting steps in place is the most important thing.

I suspect her comment about him not loving her enough is the tip of the iceberg that you as a daughter would never know. I feel so, so sorry for her. In her shoes I wouldn’t get drunk, I’d be looking at divorce.

Take this as a wake up call and potentially a cry for help from your mother.
Don’t reduce hours, if needed take a day or two annual leave to focus on this situation and have time to talk to your mother, ideally without your father so get someone to take him out.
Practicalities, does anyone have power of attorney? Do you have siblings? Is your father under care of any community health team?
You need to look into your mother going to GP and saying she is not coping, knows she is drinking too much. You need an adult social services assessment as he is vulnerable. You could look into persuading your mother to agree to paying for two weeks in a care home for respite, this will genuinely give her a break but also a chance to not be just in coping mode so be able to think more clearly. You could seek advice from one of the dementia charities on what the financial situation would be in various scenarios.
If you can get the ball rolling on at least some of these things and get some structure of support, paid for, in whatever ways will work for your mother, then she may feel more in control and able to cope in the short term. While you then plan for the longer term.

Your mum can't cope and shouldn't be expected to cope. Outside care is needed.

Does she want a divorce and to split the assets? I'd be sore about being a carer for someone who I didn't feel had ever really loved me.

Your mum could rebuild a good life for herself on her own.

You just do what thousands of other people do, and pay for the specialist nursing care your dad needs. The insanity of families burning themselves out to 'protect assets' (which just pushes up the cost for those who do play by the rules) astounds me. Withdraw your help. Speak to SS and get your dad a care home place.

I think tbe very first poster replied with some great advice and understanding. A close family relative has been a carer for the best part of 15 years for two elderly members of the family and it has taken a toll in every way possible, physically and mentally.

I also think working full time and having a child mean you're also busy so both of you are coming at it from your own understanding of what your day to day life is. It sounds like your mum isn't coping and this day with the drink was a manifestation of that.

An option my family took with another ill member of the family was providing respite care for say 2 weeks or so, to give the main residence a bit of a break. Tricky with dementia as I imagine your dad would be happier in his own home but that could be something you could offer for say a week at a time. I think longer term though care options will need to be looked at.

You can despair for her, you have no right to despair of her.

Your poor mum :(

Agree with posters saying that your mum is a carer 24/7, that’s exhausting. Re assets, depending on how house ownership is drawn up legally, care could eat up all of his assets down to around £23,000…. They can’t make her homeless but can put on a lien to pay back costs later I believe. If she’s anything like me, she probably really wanted to leave something to her children. I’m kind of ambivalent on that now, if it goes on care so be it. What happens if most of it goes on one partner and there’s little left for care/living expenses for the surviving partner?

What is having money and assets for if not to provide good quality care at your most vulnerable time of life?

The sort of care that is funded by the state for people without assets is basic. Why would you want your husband to have often poor quality and limited care from the state when you have assets to be able to choose what carers or care home to use, have enough support and be able to fund the sort of extras that make life more enjoyable?

What is she hoarding the assets for? She won't be left homeless or penniless.
Making you struggle financially so she can have a big number sitting in her bank account is insane.

She may be worried there won't be any thing left for her own care? A neighbour in a similar position to the OP's mum, expressed this when his wife went into dementia specialist care. Getting old can make you feel quite vulnerable.

Assume the second home plus the sale of their home is buying something more expensive so they live in their asset? A house can't be sold if the spouse is living there. She is attempting to game the system but ultimately it could fail because she is banking on your Father dying first. Or she herself could need care.

Moving a person with dementia when it’s not in to a care facility or for instance the loss of rented accommodation so there is no choice is nothing short of cruel. I would question if he is the owner alone or a joint owner has he had capacity to actually agree to the sale.

Her alcohol issues regardless of is she is doing it to cope and whilst responsible for a vulnerable adult means a referral to adult social services would be the most helpful route. There is no way they should be moving unless they have to. The move is causing extra stress.

Oh for goodness sake let it go.

Go and polish your halo somewhere else.