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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To despair of my mum

175 replies

Fizzyrosie · 25/11/2025 23:59

My Dad has dementia but he's still himself. Forgetting stuff but managing to talk, dress and still cracks jokes. He's like a big toddler really but he does seem to be going downhill quite fast. My mum has always been hard work and they've always argued. She does a lot for him but often gets frustrated at him. I go round at least once a week to help, often twice. He often seems scared and talks of mum shouting at him.
I work full-time and so does DH. I manage a team and it can be stressful. We have one amazing DD who is 12. And a dog. Life is busy.
Tonight has been awful. My mum thought I was coming round today (misunderstanding) but I had to go into the office and couldn't. She couldn't reach me (as I was leading a big meeting) for a few hours. I texted when I could.
She was so angry with me when I did call in the evening. She'd obviously been drinking. She was shouting saying I didn't care about my dad.
I went round and she was so drunk she could hardly stand and collapsed. My dad was so worried. She ended up vomiting and I got her in bed eventually. She kept saying she can't cope and that my dad hadn't loved her enough for her to 'do this anymore'. Thinking I might need to reduce my hours to do more of the caring, give my mum a break, at least in the short term but my DH isn't keen. We struggle to get everything done as it is. They are about to move house (selling a second home) as my mum wants to protect the assets rather than all of it going on my dad's care. Just feel so unprepared for all of this.

AIBU to despair of my mum but also to get real and start to explore flexible working

OP posts:
sesquipedalian · 26/11/2025 07:53

“Thinking I might need to reduce my hours to do more of the caring, give my mum a break, at least in the short term but my DH isn't keen.”

Of course he isn’t, OP, because he’s realistic enough to realise that “in the short term” will be “until your DF dies or is so incapacitated he has to go into a home”. Where is your DD in all this? She should be your priority. Of course you feel filial obligation to your parents, but that doesn’t mean ruining your own family life. When you say, “Think I’ll just use holiday and take some time”, that will have an impact on your DH and DD. Yes, your mother might have been put out because she was expecting you and you didn’t turn up, but your DM is being very unreasonable - you say she has always been “hard work” and she won’t become less so. You need to step back and consider the needs of your own family - and perhaps also have a word with DM about her drinking: getting drunk to the point of being sick is never a good look, and much less so when she is responsible for a less able spouse. As for your mother wanting to “protect her assets” in case your DF does have to go into a home, you do know the authorities will be wise to that sort of thing?

Original poster
Fizzyrosie · 26/11/2025 07:54

Tulipsriver · 26/11/2025 07:42

I feel for her, but she can't expect to have her cake and eat it too.

You're helping as much as you can given your other responsibilities. She has to choose whether to spend the money on help or continue doing it herself. She can't make her want to save money your problem (and your financial sacrifice, which is what reducing your working hours would mean)... the answer is there she just doesn't like it.

Show quote history

That's what my DH says. Mad to take a reduction in our finances.

This has brought things to a head, hopefully I can work with her to get them both some help. Whatever the cost

OP posts:
SALaw · 26/11/2025 07:54

I would be trying to gently say that the money they earned that paid for the house is now best placed helping them. So rather than worrying about “protecting assets” (for who? You?) they should be using that money to get help, and potentially eventually using that money to get the best care possible for your dad (and then your mum, if she needs it). It’s a hard message, and people don’t like to think of inheritance being lost, but the issue is happening now and quickly getting worse and so that is where the money is really best directed.

Miniatureschnauzers · 26/11/2025 07:55

Fizzyrosie · 25/11/2025 23:59

My Dad has dementia but he's still himself. Forgetting stuff but managing to talk, dress and still cracks jokes. He's like a big toddler really but he does seem to be going downhill quite fast. My mum has always been hard work and they've always argued. She does a lot for him but often gets frustrated at him. I go round at least once a week to help, often twice. He often seems scared and talks of mum shouting at him.
I work full-time and so does DH. I manage a team and it can be stressful. We have one amazing DD who is 12. And a dog. Life is busy.
Tonight has been awful. My mum thought I was coming round today (misunderstanding) but I had to go into the office and couldn't. She couldn't reach me (as I was leading a big meeting) for a few hours. I texted when I could.
She was so angry with me when I did call in the evening. She'd obviously been drinking. She was shouting saying I didn't care about my dad.
I went round and she was so drunk she could hardly stand and collapsed. My dad was so worried. She ended up vomiting and I got her in bed eventually. She kept saying she can't cope and that my dad hadn't loved her enough for her to 'do this anymore'. Thinking I might need to reduce my hours to do more of the caring, give my mum a break, at least in the short term but my DH isn't keen. We struggle to get everything done as it is. They are about to move house (selling a second home) as my mum wants to protect the assets rather than all of it going on my dad's care. Just feel so unprepared for all of this.

AIBU to despair of my mum but also to get real and start to explore flexible working

Has she had a carers assessment with social care and/or any support from caring for carers or similar? Tough for you all x

BatshitOutofHell · 26/11/2025 07:56

DeathStare · 26/11/2025 00:16

I wouldn't despair of her - she's doing a very difficult job that you aren't. That's not a dig at you - you aren't in a position to do it, but her life must be incredibly difficult.

You say your dad is like a big toddler - I'm guessing your mum is also older- can you imagine looking after a toddler 24/7 in your older years? I dont think many people could do it. Apart from when you are there she must have no break ever. Remember when your kids were little (if you have kids) and you sometimes couldn't leave the room to go to the toilet or to get a shower? Where you slept on high-alert in case you heard them get out of bed? That's your mum's life now.

And looking after a "big toddler" must be much harder than looking after an actual toddler. You can't catch an adult when they run off, its harder to dress them, etc. You don't have the social support - toddler groups, play dates, other mums to chat to, even a health visitor to ring.

And unlike an actual toddler your mum knows this is going to get worse not better. Your mum must see the rest of her life, her own remaining years of independence being swallowed by at best caring for a big toddler and at worst, much worse. It must be hard enough if you've had a lovely, joyous marriage but if it was already fractured it must add a whole orher dimension.

So please dont despair her. She's struggling and needs support. Please contact adults social care and see if there's any help they can offer her..

Has she had some legal advice re her finances? Unfortunately she has probably left it too late to protect her money and any attempt to do so now is likely to be considered deliberate deprivation of assets.

This is a brilliant post and I agree with everything you say. That poor woman. OP’s dad seems like “himself” because of the care he receives from Mum. Op, you. may be a bit in denial. It is easier to blame Mum than to face up to what she has to deal with. It is beyond challenging to care for a person with dementia. And on top of that she is watching the deterioration of her husband and to cap it all in her opinion he was not as kind to her as he could be.

Maddy70 · 26/11/2025 07:56

It's super wearing on a spouse. Unless you've lived with a husband with this awful disease don't judge. It's big the sake as being a daughter who visits

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/11/2025 07:56

Sell the second home and fund a nice care home. Your mum can stay where she is. Get financial advice.

Addictedtohotbaths · 26/11/2025 07:57

Fizzyrosie · 26/11/2025 07:37

It's my mum that doesn't want their money to all get gobbled up for my dad's care. She has had some financial advice hence the house move to reduce the properties but the sale is still going through so tricky in this interim period.

If she’s trying to avoid care costs can she pass some inheritance to you now and you use it to to allow you to work one day less a week to help out?

Mydogsmellslikewee · 26/11/2025 07:57

ChristmasTimeChristmasJoy · 26/11/2025 07:30

If she cant cope he needs carers in or a care home you cannot leave him under care of an abusive acoholic

That’s very unfair.

I’ve been in the same situation. I drank to get through it. I also shouted at my dad from time to time as I was run ragged trying to get help (it’s not easy), running on very little sleep as they don’t sleep much, I was constantly having to watch him incase he hurt himself or someone else.

It’s not just as easy as calling social care and getting help. My dad fell down the stairs when I fell asleep as I was exhausted from watching him. I begged the consultants and hospital social worker for help. My dad through the hospital was a cruise ship. They all still insisted he was fine. It took another hospital admission where I refused to leave the ward until someone assessed him for the dementia he clearly had. I was very nearly arrested until a kind jr sr fought my case for a brain scan and they saw vascular dementia.

All carers become frustrated and angry. It’s called being human.

Mix56 · 26/11/2025 07:59

I feel really sorry for you Mum. It is incredibly hard to be a carer 24/7.
Your Dad needs to go into respite, she needs to get help in ( but actually overnight so she has overnight breaks to look forward to. 3 or 4 days to rest & reset every couple if months)

lucie62 · 26/11/2025 08:01

Fizzyrosie · 26/11/2025 07:37

It's my mum that doesn't want their money to all get gobbled up for my dad's care. She has had some financial advice hence the house move to reduce the properties but the sale is still going through so tricky in this interim period.

Is she going to put all the money in her name? I’m not even sure that this would work. From experience if you have more than £24k in assets you’re paying for care, so I’m not sure she’s had great advice and risks them saying she is depriving assets

Zencoffee · 26/11/2025 08:01

Mydogsmellslikewee · 26/11/2025 07:57

That’s very unfair.

I’ve been in the same situation. I drank to get through it. I also shouted at my dad from time to time as I was run ragged trying to get help (it’s not easy), running on very little sleep as they don’t sleep much, I was constantly having to watch him incase he hurt himself or someone else.

It’s not just as easy as calling social care and getting help. My dad fell down the stairs when I fell asleep as I was exhausted from watching him. I begged the consultants and hospital social worker for help. My dad through the hospital was a cruise ship. They all still insisted he was fine. It took another hospital admission where I refused to leave the ward until someone assessed him for the dementia he clearly had. I was very nearly arrested until a kind jr sr fought my case for a brain scan and they saw vascular dementia.

All carers become frustrated and angry. It’s called being human.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes hut this is quite clearly more than a one off frustration

the mother actively does not want to employ help that would benefit her husband so as to save money

LizzieSiddal · 26/11/2025 08:05

Fizzyrosie · 26/11/2025 07:37

It's my mum that doesn't want their money to all get gobbled up for my dad's care. She has had some financial advice hence the house move to reduce the properties but the sale is still going through so tricky in this interim period.

I had a lot of sympathy for your mum until I read this. She is making everyone’s lives a lot more difficult because she won’t spend money that she actually has!
It’s such a stupid way to look at things. The money should be used for making the last chapters of their lives better. Instead your mum is thinking YOU and your family need to make sacrifices so she can keep her money.

She’s being extremely selfish.

letshavetea · 26/11/2025 08:07

So sorry for you with this. Had this with my parents too. Arrange for social services to do an assessment for your father. Also look into carers assessment for your mum.

Do not reduce your hours or increase direct care that you offer. Your mum will probably be resistant to outside care but that is what needs to happen. I found I needed to be quite firm about what I could offer directly and getting your mum to go to the gp for her own health needs is also a good start. Your mum drinking to excess and taking her anger out on you shows she doesn’t s not coping, but please don’t be bullied into doing more yourself - that won’t end well for you or your own family who are your priority.

Agree with pp regarding legal advice and LPAs for finance and health. It sounds like they’ll be needed sooner rather than later. Your mum needs to understand that the money they have will need to fund your father’s care.

letshavetea · 26/11/2025 08:09

Sorry typo - should read isn’t coping

PedantsOfDestiny · 26/11/2025 08:09

Zencoffee · 26/11/2025 07:51

i Would imagine the mother is drinking a lot in the house alone that the op is unaware of on the basis of this

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I'm not sure a stranger's imagination is what OP should be basing her decisions on, though!

cozyandwarmish · 26/11/2025 08:09

I see all the usual unpleasant people have arrived at this thread to deliver a kick to OP who obviously came looking for some help.
Referring to her mother as ‘appalling’ or as an ‘abusive alcoholic’ when OP has not implied any of that, is just really ugly - no need for it.

NetZeroZealot · 26/11/2025 08:09

Your Dad may be entitled to Attendance Allowance which would pay for some professional care. It’s not means tested.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/11/2025 08:11

LizzieSiddal · 26/11/2025 08:05

I had a lot of sympathy for your mum until I read this. She is making everyone’s lives a lot more difficult because she won’t spend money that she actually has!
It’s such a stupid way to look at things. The money should be used for making the last chapters of their lives better. Instead your mum is thinking YOU and your family need to make sacrifices so she can keep her money.

She’s being extremely selfish.

Show quote history

It's not selfish to worry about what standard of living she will have when he dies if they've blown through all of their savings on his care. She's caring for someone who is no longer the person they were in circumstances where the relationship wasn't brilliant when he was. Everyone is in a horrible position. No one is wrong to be distressed and worried about what the future holds here.

LittleBearPad · 26/11/2025 08:14

Perhaps take some holiday/inpaid leave to get some care sorted out but don’t reorganise your hours.

Your mum sounds as if she’s understandably at the end of her tether and needs more support but there is money to fund that so she should use it. She may also be grieving what she thought her life would be like.

TheGoddessFrigg · 26/11/2025 08:14

That my dad hadn't loved her enough for her to 'do this anymore'

This line absolutely broke my heart. Your poor mum

Zencoffee · 26/11/2025 08:15

PedantsOfDestiny · 26/11/2025 08:09

I'm not sure a stranger's imagination is what OP should be basing her decisions on, though!

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The op doesn’t rule out alcoholism

I suspect that if the op paused and thought about it… her mother drinking alone at the home to excess very regularly is probably the truth

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/11/2025 08:15

OP, your mum needs to decide how much she can do for your dad and then think about what respite and assistance she needs. She also needs to think really clearly about whether it is more important to her to preserve assets by providing all his care or whether the reality is that the burden will be intolerable. There's no shame in the latter. If I were you this is the bit that I would help her with, giving her a free space to really think about what she can do and what she can't or doesn't want to do.

You need to think very carefully about what you can offer and be very boundaried about it. Your dad will get further and further away from the person he used to be and it will get harder and harder to be with him. That's the reality. I am really sorry you're going through this.

MySweetGeorgina · 26/11/2025 08:17

OP it is very important that you do not reduce hours and do more care for them

essentially they need to use their assets to pay for his care (either a carer coming in or a care home), your mum won’t be left penniless

she needs proper financial advice and proper care advice

right now it is her choice to do all the care alone, she has chosen this, you do not need to support this (bad) choice

listen to your DH, you are getting sucked in by your mum making you feel guilty but that is not fair. Your dad needs care, but it does not have to fall to you or your mum

cozyandwarmish · 26/11/2025 08:17

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 26/11/2025 08:11

It's not selfish to worry about what standard of living she will have when he dies if they've blown through all of their savings on his care. She's caring for someone who is no longer the person they were in circumstances where the relationship wasn't brilliant when he was. Everyone is in a horrible position. No one is wrong to be distressed and worried about what the future holds here.

Show quote history

Exactly this! Most people in the same situation would be the same. On the one hand, you likely want to make sure the person has good care but at the same time, you’ve got one eye on your own future too. Anyone who says they’d be totally chilled at seeing all their life savings disappear, is not telling the truth.