Guilt over child not attending the same school as sibings

[Hindsightwisdom]

I have three sons. The eldest at grammar school and the youngest likely to get a place. My middle son did not get a place. We're in London and competition is high.

My middle son has a high IQ but ADHD, dyslexia and was also quite immature at the time of his 11 plus. He is now at a school that is just right for him, and he sits comfortably in the upper middle, both academically and in sports (he loves sport). He is happy at his school.

I am struggling with intense guilt. It's always there, and I blame myself for not doing things in a different way or not doing better for my middle son. Hindsight. I know I made the best decisions I could at the time, but I wasn't in a great place mentally after lockdown: my emotions were high and I wish I had done some things differently. The big one is that I moved him to a private prep school in Year 5. He wasn't learning very much (class of 31 and no TA. School refused additional help for his dyslexia), and he was being bullied (ADHD was undiagnosed and unmedicated at the time; he would annoy his peers, and said he didn't have any friends).

I moved him to a small prep that I thought that would be better for him. More attention from teachers so he didn't slip through the cracks, a smaller more nurturing environment. The private school also went to 13 and I thought it would be good for him to move up to a large secondary school when he was a couple of years more older. He knew a couple of boys at the new school (they had also moved from his former primary). But the prep school turned out to be horrible for him. He struggled to make friends and was bullied there too. It was worse than his primary school. He did have much more attention from teachers and made the most of all the sporting opportunities. It wasn't all bad.

Though he had wanted to move from his primary school and was on board with it, he changed his mind within a couple of weeks. He was so young, I don't know I believed him when he said he wanted to try a new school.

I knew it was awful when he started crying about going into school after the first few weeks. I could have tried to get him back into his (oversubscribed) primary at that point, but I didn't. He kept on having a horrible time at the new school but he wouldn't tell me about specifics or the bullying, because he felt that when I had intervened at his primary school it had made things worse for him.

And so, he approached his 11 plus with all that upheaval and unhappiness, and his ADHD and dyslexia, and didn't get a place at the grammar school. I didn't give him a fair chance. I don't think the grammar school would have worked for him anyway, but I still struggle with not giving him the same level playing field as his brothers. But then, he had different challenges with his dyslexia, but then I could have done more when he was younger. Read to him more and given him more of my focus.

I am struggling - not because he's not at the more academic school (he has charm in abundance, is so funny and great company - I think he has so many attributes that will take him far in life). I am struggling, because his brothers will have a shared experience of secondary school (and being allowed to finish Year 6 in their primary school), and my middle son will not. And my middle son desperately wants his younger brother to join him at his secondary school.

He asks me why his older brother and younger brother were not moved to different primary schools (he knows the reasons and we've talked about it, but it doesn't make it any easier), and now I fear he'll be the odd one out again, if my youngest son gets into the grammar school. He sometimes even says his brothers don't like him and he feels lonely at home (he does annoy them, wind them up sometimes - his ADHD).

It will resurrect the horrible feelings he had about being the only one that had to move primary schools. I wish I could go back and not have made that decision for him. I think about it all the time. I should have focused on him more when he was little, but we were moving house and I was going back to work. I should have diagnosed and medicated him sooner (it has made such a positive difference to him). I should have not have shouted at him all those times he refused to go to sleep or do his homework or help around the house.

How do I get over my guilt and help my son not feel horrible or different, because he had to change schools, and now won't be at the same school as his brothers.

Why on earth are you feeling bad about the fact that both of your sons are happy and in the right school for them? This seems more about you and lack of bragging rights (all my sons got into grammar/went to Oxbridge yadda yadda). Shoehorning kids into academic environments that dont suit them is cruel. A highly selective grammar school for someone with ADHD and dyslexia is clearly not the right school to maximise their potential. I have sons who all went to very academic selective schools and the one that went to a smaller, less academically selective one is on course to get better GCSEs than the others, except maybe in English, because he has dyslexia and has been nurtured well at his school. He would have drowned at their schools.

Put your sons' wellbeing before your own competitiveness is my advice.

Try to look on the positive aspects of "being his own person", and emphasise these to him.
One of my school friends attended the same grammar school as her older sister, who was a real star, ending up as Head Girl, went on to Cambridge, etc.
To be fair, she was very nice, but a hard act to follow! There were very few tactless comparisons from teachers, but my friend constantly kept this as her inner narrative, and sometimes lacked self-belief, which was a real shame, as she had many fine qualities in her own right.
It was a real lesson to me, as a future teacher, not to fall into the trap of expecting siblings to be clones of one another.

That is not what I am struggling with at all @thecalmsea . Please read my post again. I am struggling with the guilt of my middle son not having his brothers at the same school as him. He knows he couldn't go to the same school as them because he didn't get in. It's that. It's that he feels different from them.

My middle son is on course to get great GCSEs too. It's really not about 'bragging rights' and I'm surprised you got that from reading my thread. That isn't me at all. I want them to be happy, at school and otherwise.

He is different from them.

People are different.

You can't change the past. Let it go. You've done the best you can and are thoughtful about them all, more than a lot of parents would do. Just tell the one who needs extra support that he has different needs and that everyone is different, you did your best at the time, sorry if he was unhappy but you felt that would be the best school for him. Repeat as needed. I reckon when you let go of the guilt it will become much less of an issue. You can teach them to make the best of things as they are.

What you could do is look at family dynamics, with three of them, thinking about how to not leave anyone out. Maybe they can find common interests

Thank you, @twoshedsjackson . This is the perspective I need reminding of. My middle son's school has been good for his self esteem, because his ability in his favourite subjects stands out. That wouldn't be the case at his older brother's school.

Quite simply: it’s not that deep.

Be kinder to yourself op, your kids are happy.

The two siblings at the same school are not sharing an experience.

They're in different year groups with different friends and doing different things.

« My middle son is on course to get great GCSEs too. It's really not about 'bragging rights' and I'm surprised you got that from reading my thread. That isn't me at all. I want them to be happy, at school and otherwise.«

so you feel guilty that this child is not at a school where he would be unhappy and achieve poor results?

If you go down the selective route you ALWAYS have to accept the fact that your children may not all go to the same school a stheir siblings, and you need to manage expectations from early on. That is the choice you made. The only way to guarantee allnsiblings go to the same school is to send them all to the local state secondary. What if you had done that and one had been bullied there for being too studious? Would you have moved him? Of course you would. Both are now in different schools and you said yourself both are happy. You should be celebrating that, not feeling guilty (and probably your sons are picking up on that). Why is it such a big deal that he is not at the same school as his siblings if he is happy and no longer being bullied?

Even if his younger sibling gets into the granmar school, his older sibling is waht, at least 3 or 4 school years ahead of him, so they will only be together for 2 or 3 years max and I can tell you from experience that there is little interaction or commonality between siblings at the same school who are busy with A levels and looking cool in sixth form and year 7/8/9s during the school day.

Thanks @thecalmsea . All of this is true. I think it stems from wishing I had not moved middle son from his primary. Currently going through the Year 6 fun with my younger son, that middle son missed out on (Lever's hoodies, Yearbook, Leaver's party) because I moved him.

You need to let go of your own guilt over all of this. You made what you thought were the right choices for him in what sounds like difficult circumstances. And many of those choices were good choices: you recognised when he wasn’t progressing, you chose a school you thought would nurture him better, and even encouraging him to give his new school a chance despite him being unhappy during the fist few weeks (which is perfectly normal for many children, who later do settle.)

He is his own person and that’s what you need to emphasise. Right now it might seem to him that he’s the odd one out among his brothers, but over the next few years their lives too will likely take completely different courses. They might take different routes post-16 and post-18, their lives will certainly diverge after that. You say he’s happy at school and is thriving there: reinforce that he’ll come into his own as well, it’s not a competition with his brothers, it’s about finding the right path for him - which he currently appears to be on.

Thank you @ComtesseDeSpair It's true they have the rest of their lives and later, this won't seem as big as it is now.

It's the little daily things, like the fact that oldest and youngest will leave for school together, and walk together. Something my middle son would LOVE to do with them. But he has to leave at a different time and take a different route. I know a lot of my feelings are not reasonable and that this is a first world problem. I just can't seem to shake off my guilt at all. If anything, it's intensifying.

Understandable, and coming from a good place, which I totally get, having sons myself. Unfortunately they are not identikit and circumstances will be different at different times. The middle one always has stuff going against them purely due to birth order. You can't guarantee them all the same positive experiences at all times unfortunately, I wish we could. I agree with trying to let it go and focus on the fact that this year they are all doing well and all are happy at school, so youbare clearly doing lots right. Hugs.

He is now at a school that is just right for him, and he sits comfortably in the upper middle, both academically and in sports (he loves sport). He is happy at his school.

That is all that matters. Not all school suit all children, even among a set of siblings.

All 3 of mine were at different schools ( well eldest and youngest went to same secondary but 12years apart) none of tgem were ever in the same primary either Its really not a bit deal

Most people, as parents, do what seems the right thing to do at the time, given a set of circumstances. That’s what you did, believing it to be the best thing for your child.

Hindsight is 20-20 vision. He I thriving where he is now, somewhere that is the right fit for him, so stop the guilt that’s eating you up and stopping you from moving forward.

I am struggling with the guilt of my middle son not having his brothers at the same school as him. He knows he couldn't go to the same school as them because he didn't get in. It's that. It's that he feels different from them.

He may well feel like that anyway - kids have different experiences in the same school.

We spent a lot of time and energy checking out schools when we moved here - pciked a decent catchment with secondary doing well and improving. DD1 had couple of good years before things happened head left and chaos and special measures - couldn't move and couldn't get younger ones into different school - DS I think had worst of it stablised a bit for DD2.

I felt huge guilt despite it being completely out of my control - I did everything I could to mitiagate effects on them but beyond that it is what it is.

DD2 Y 6 was when covid hit - there were things canceled kids never got back - prom for DD1 - trips abroad we paid for - we tried very hard to get the kids to focus on any positives and move forward to next things. Even college wher ethey all went for A-levels been different experinces for them as it's changed over the years.

If you'd left him in his primary and hadn't tried there in no guarantee you wouldn't be kicking yourself now if you had he'd have go into same school - what if he had and been miserable.

He's happy in his school maybe try thinking about how he can feel more connected to his siblings at home - shared family events etc.

You don’t have to send your youngest to grammar school.

You need to let go of the past. You really do. You did what you felt was the right thing at the time, which is what most of us do. You need to focus on what is happening now.

Your middle son is happy because he is in the right school. You know he wouldn't be as happy at the grammar school because it wouldn't be right for him. Similarly your middle son's school probably wouldn't be right for the other two. All children are different. They have different needs, different abilities, different strengths. What matters is that they are all happy and thriving at the right school for them.

And I wouldn't be so sure about the two brothers walking to school together. Invariably older children want to walk to school with their friends and not have younger siblings tagging along.

I think you’re getting a hard time, OP. My DS has ADHD and I torture myself daily over whether we did the right thing sending him to our local academically-driven primary vs a prep with smaller classes. The primary is nurturing and he’s getting a lot of support, but I keep wondering whether he’d have been better off with smaller classes and more sport, music etc. I worry if I moved him now he wouldn’t fit in and would be unhappy.

I struggle to be patient enough with him as he is quite full on, and I beat myself up continuously about not being the mother he deserves.

You are very invested in your 3 DS’s who clearly come from a good home- they’ll be fine. Give yourself a break and just make sure he’s happy at his current school. Worth a chat with your GP if you continue to feel like this as it may be developing in to anxiety.

I didn’t go to the same school as any of siblings, and it’s really never been an issue.

Although it may not seem like it now, school is a small part of life. It’s only half a waking day, and only for two-thirds of a year, and only (if we’re talking just about senior school) for one-tenth of an average life span. We did other equally or more important family, siblings in various combinations, and individual things that create a shared past.

Kids and young people make friends in and out of school (my brother’s still closest friend after 50 odd years was at my school, but they met at a shared sport), and will have different interests, so they wouldn’t ever have exactly the same experience - ask my sons, who did go to the same school, not that you’d know it to hear them talk about what it was like.

I don’t believe I am any closer (or not) to my siblings because we went to separate schools, because we have so many other shared experiences.

These guilty feelings are a waste of energy. Your middle child would have hated grammar school - presumably he didn't pass the test to get in, so what's the problem? Different children have different abilities and excel at different things. That's life.

Mine were all at the same school and they did not have a "shared experience".

The differences between them, their personalities, their year groups and the staff they had means that they each had very different experiences. They are all adults now and their secondary school days are not what they talk about.
They have plenty of other stuff to whinge about...

All 3 of my DC go to different schools. DS, my youngest, is in y7 and, honestly, it's been the making of him. It's his space. His siblings have never been there so there's no 'oh, you're DC1's little brother' pigeonholing. He's just DS. Maybe you could think of it like that, OP? That it's a space for him rather than a missing out?