Guilt over child not attending the same school as sibings

[Hindsightwisdom]

I have three sons. The eldest at grammar school and the youngest likely to get a place. My middle son did not get a place. We're in London and competition is high.

My middle son has a high IQ but ADHD, dyslexia and was also quite immature at the time of his 11 plus. He is now at a school that is just right for him, and he sits comfortably in the upper middle, both academically and in sports (he loves sport). He is happy at his school.

I am struggling with intense guilt. It's always there, and I blame myself for not doing things in a different way or not doing better for my middle son. Hindsight. I know I made the best decisions I could at the time, but I wasn't in a great place mentally after lockdown: my emotions were high and I wish I had done some things differently. The big one is that I moved him to a private prep school in Year 5. He wasn't learning very much (class of 31 and no TA. School refused additional help for his dyslexia), and he was being bullied (ADHD was undiagnosed and unmedicated at the time; he would annoy his peers, and said he didn't have any friends).

I moved him to a small prep that I thought that would be better for him. More attention from teachers so he didn't slip through the cracks, a smaller more nurturing environment. The private school also went to 13 and I thought it would be good for him to move up to a large secondary school when he was a couple of years more older. He knew a couple of boys at the new school (they had also moved from his former primary). But the prep school turned out to be horrible for him. He struggled to make friends and was bullied there too. It was worse than his primary school. He did have much more attention from teachers and made the most of all the sporting opportunities. It wasn't all bad.

Though he had wanted to move from his primary school and was on board with it, he changed his mind within a couple of weeks. He was so young, I don't know I believed him when he said he wanted to try a new school.

I knew it was awful when he started crying about going into school after the first few weeks. I could have tried to get him back into his (oversubscribed) primary at that point, but I didn't. He kept on having a horrible time at the new school but he wouldn't tell me about specifics or the bullying, because he felt that when I had intervened at his primary school it had made things worse for him.

And so, he approached his 11 plus with all that upheaval and unhappiness, and his ADHD and dyslexia, and didn't get a place at the grammar school. I didn't give him a fair chance. I don't think the grammar school would have worked for him anyway, but I still struggle with not giving him the same level playing field as his brothers. But then, he had different challenges with his dyslexia, but then I could have done more when he was younger. Read to him more and given him more of my focus.

I am struggling - not because he's not at the more academic school (he has charm in abundance, is so funny and great company - I think he has so many attributes that will take him far in life). I am struggling, because his brothers will have a shared experience of secondary school (and being allowed to finish Year 6 in their primary school), and my middle son will not. And my middle son desperately wants his younger brother to join him at his secondary school.

He asks me why his older brother and younger brother were not moved to different primary schools (he knows the reasons and we've talked about it, but it doesn't make it any easier), and now I fear he'll be the odd one out again, if my youngest son gets into the grammar school. He sometimes even says his brothers don't like him and he feels lonely at home (he does annoy them, wind them up sometimes - his ADHD).

It will resurrect the horrible feelings he had about being the only one that had to move primary schools. I wish I could go back and not have made that decision for him. I think about it all the time. I should have focused on him more when he was little, but we were moving house and I was going back to work. I should have diagnosed and medicated him sooner (it has made such a positive difference to him). I should have not have shouted at him all those times he refused to go to sleep or do his homework or help around the house.

How do I get over my guilt and help my son not feel horrible or different, because he had to change schools, and now won't be at the same school as his brothers.

We had the same situation, my oldest and youngest went to our local Grammar school, my middle went to our local high school. Each child was happy in their school and they all did really well. The high school child’s GCSE results were as good as her brother and sister. She knew that school was better for her and she thrived. She also enjoyed being her own person and not following on from her older brother and being known as his sister. She was her own person. She’s gone on to uni and is now in her dream job, my other children have also got the jobs they wanted. Your son will have his own journey and I’m sure he’ll blossom.

I have twins. One is ADHD, the other isn't. Please don't feel guilt. It's really obvious that you do everything you possibly can for your "middle son"- and all your kids!
Having twins is good because you always have a "control child" when people have opinions or you start to feel guilt. We did everything the same with ours, and they had completely different needs. And that's ok.
I love what you said about your (ADHD) son: "he has charm in abundance, is so funny and great company - I think he has so many attributes that will take him far in life". My (ADHD) twin daughter is exactly like this. She lights up a room. Her sister has much better general social skills, and integrates really well socially, but doesn't have that "spark" that makes her twin literally light up.
Wishing you and your gorgeous middle son a lovely Christmas. He's the spark that will light up the tree!

His school sounds great for him and he is happy so what more can you want? He certainly isn’t the first to not get into grammar when siblings have. Remember that the decisions you made were out of love and what you thought was best at the time. Let go of the guilt!

I think if you change the perspective to.... thank goodness we live in an area with multiple school options so that everyone has a school that is a good fit for them and say it over and over again....because your sons are very lucky. I have a dyslexic child who was in a very academic bilingual primary school (I had moved primary school 4 times myself and had promised myself that I would never make my children move school so I resisted moving her for a long time). She was a ball of misery there and constantly comparing herself to her friends and just was failing at everything and unsupported by the school. She had given up. Her brother was younger but I know that he would quickly have passed her out which would have intensified her unhappiness. We moved both of them to an English language only school (we moved her brother too for logistical purposes) that specialises in dyslexia and has a lot of learning support. She is so happy now and gets a lot of support and it doesn't matter to her that her brother is flying academically and she isn't because she's happy. They never see each other in the new school because of the classroom/yard layout. They shared a yard in the old school. Just writing my experience because I have seen the misery that a very academic school can cause a dyslexic child even if she is having a shared life experience with her brother. I am so grateful every day that we were lucky enough to live near the new school and have that option. If we had lived in a rural area there may have been only one school, no alternative and she would have just had to struggle on regards. We have dyslexia in our extended family too and I have seen the detrimental effect firsthand that siblings going to the same academic school, one failing and one highly achieving. The inadequacy in the dyslexic sibling has been life long despite him having a great career in art and design....because he went to the same school as his brother and his brother got a phd from Oxford and he failed every exam he ever sat until he got to art college. And the brother with the PhD essentially has survivors guilt. They would have been better off in difference schools that matched their abilities and where they weren't comparing themselves to each other.

Haven't read the comments, so sorry if it's already been said.
Firstly and most importantly, you have done what you thought was best for your son at that time. I think, without the benefit of hindsight, in your situation most parents would have made the same choice to move schools.
But what I would do in your situation now is sit down with your son and tell him basically what you have written here. Show him that you are not perfect (not that I think you did anything wrong) and how much you are worrying that you did make the wrong choices shows how much you love him and care about his wellbeing.
No matter how much we want to, we can't control our children's lives and make things perfect, but we can make sure we are there for them when they need it.
And lastly, go easy on yourself! As long as your son is loved, clean and fed then you're doing a great job!

Another way to look at it is that you made sure your children, though different, were given equal consideration of what school would best fit them. So while the ultimate choice was not the same, each boy had a thoughtful opportunity created by you to go somewhere that suited their personality and learning. This is a good thing.

Even when they go to the same school, one might win all the prizes/be in top sets/be in sports teams etc. Many are anti grammars/private because of it making children "different" and generally favouring richer people who don't have medical conditions (yes, some children with profound health conditions and poor families get in, but generally), but even if kids go to the same comprehensive, one might have "better" teachers, an "easier" year group (the year above me at my school got much higher grades than mine, even though there weren't many changes, so if I'd been a year older, I'd never have been top, and it might be that some years, it's much easier to get in a grammar than in the previous year).
A wise woman once said that if you have more than one child, you'll always beat yourself up about fairness, and that was before the term golden child.

It really sounds like you made the best decisions you could with the information you had at the time, and you are treating your children as the individuals which they are. I don't think you've done anything at all wrong and your son will be fine

The word Guilt stood out in your post OP. I once read somewhere that 'we make the best decisions with the information we had at the time'. Let it go OP.

I have a child at a special needs school and a child at mainstream who may well go to a grammar school. They need totally different things, I don’t feel in the least bit guilty about it. Please let the guilt go, it really does sound like you have done your best by all your children which is definitely not the same thing as treating them in an identical way.

Why does he ask you why he was moved primary school when as you say he knows the answer? The answer is it pushes your buttons and he's finding it interesting to manipulate you.

Rather than beating yourself up about a past event which you no longer have any control over, maybe you should concentrate on encouraging him how to be less annoying which seems to be the common cause of the whole sorry story and probably the main source of his unhappiness.