Guilt over child not attending the same school as sibings

[Hindsightwisdom]

I have three sons. The eldest at grammar school and the youngest likely to get a place. My middle son did not get a place. We're in London and competition is high.

My middle son has a high IQ but ADHD, dyslexia and was also quite immature at the time of his 11 plus. He is now at a school that is just right for him, and he sits comfortably in the upper middle, both academically and in sports (he loves sport). He is happy at his school.

I am struggling with intense guilt. It's always there, and I blame myself for not doing things in a different way or not doing better for my middle son. Hindsight. I know I made the best decisions I could at the time, but I wasn't in a great place mentally after lockdown: my emotions were high and I wish I had done some things differently. The big one is that I moved him to a private prep school in Year 5. He wasn't learning very much (class of 31 and no TA. School refused additional help for his dyslexia), and he was being bullied (ADHD was undiagnosed and unmedicated at the time; he would annoy his peers, and said he didn't have any friends).

I moved him to a small prep that I thought that would be better for him. More attention from teachers so he didn't slip through the cracks, a smaller more nurturing environment. The private school also went to 13 and I thought it would be good for him to move up to a large secondary school when he was a couple of years more older. He knew a couple of boys at the new school (they had also moved from his former primary). But the prep school turned out to be horrible for him. He struggled to make friends and was bullied there too. It was worse than his primary school. He did have much more attention from teachers and made the most of all the sporting opportunities. It wasn't all bad.

Though he had wanted to move from his primary school and was on board with it, he changed his mind within a couple of weeks. He was so young, I don't know I believed him when he said he wanted to try a new school.

I knew it was awful when he started crying about going into school after the first few weeks. I could have tried to get him back into his (oversubscribed) primary at that point, but I didn't. He kept on having a horrible time at the new school but he wouldn't tell me about specifics or the bullying, because he felt that when I had intervened at his primary school it had made things worse for him.

And so, he approached his 11 plus with all that upheaval and unhappiness, and his ADHD and dyslexia, and didn't get a place at the grammar school. I didn't give him a fair chance. I don't think the grammar school would have worked for him anyway, but I still struggle with not giving him the same level playing field as his brothers. But then, he had different challenges with his dyslexia, but then I could have done more when he was younger. Read to him more and given him more of my focus.

I am struggling - not because he's not at the more academic school (he has charm in abundance, is so funny and great company - I think he has so many attributes that will take him far in life). I am struggling, because his brothers will have a shared experience of secondary school (and being allowed to finish Year 6 in their primary school), and my middle son will not. And my middle son desperately wants his younger brother to join him at his secondary school.

He asks me why his older brother and younger brother were not moved to different primary schools (he knows the reasons and we've talked about it, but it doesn't make it any easier), and now I fear he'll be the odd one out again, if my youngest son gets into the grammar school. He sometimes even says his brothers don't like him and he feels lonely at home (he does annoy them, wind them up sometimes - his ADHD).

It will resurrect the horrible feelings he had about being the only one that had to move primary schools. I wish I could go back and not have made that decision for him. I think about it all the time. I should have focused on him more when he was little, but we were moving house and I was going back to work. I should have diagnosed and medicated him sooner (it has made such a positive difference to him). I should have not have shouted at him all those times he refused to go to sleep or do his homework or help around the house.

How do I get over my guilt and help my son not feel horrible or different, because he had to change schools, and now won't be at the same school as his brothers.

You did your best in the situation you were in. You need to recognise that. You never made a decision that wasn't in the hopes of it being in your child's best interests.
You are a person, not an omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient being. You look back and think you could have done better but so could anyone in any situation.
I'm a teacher and parents often talking about wanting their child to do their 'best'. But what is that? There have to be parameters. Sure their child could do even better if they spent 8hrs a day studying but is this reasonable? Life gets in the way of most things and you have to just trust that what you're doing is for the best in the circumstances you're in.
Your middle son has different attributes and there's every chance that in 20 years time you'll be so thankful for the choices you made as it will have led to him becoming the wonderful, successful person he is.

I understand why, in hindsight, you regret moving him during primary, but it was the right choice at the time. He was miserable and you made the correct choice in trying to change things to improve his situation. By the sounds of it, you then moved him in Y7, rather than maxing out more time at the unsuitable prep. He is now happy where he is. The choices you made regarding not finishing Y6 in situ were correct. If you hadn’t he would have been unhappy and also not learning! He got more education this way and is now doing well.

I understand the more complicated situation now where he is hoping the youngest will join him. I’m sure you have already had lots of conversations but can you make a point of “right school for the right child” sort of narrative? Middle is happy in the right school for him, as is eldest. Can you talk about other options near you and why they are not suitable for youngest to make middle feel like wider choices are being considered?

I came here to say this too. His brothers are equally different from one another.

You have a lot of "what ifs" in your post - including the biggest which is that your youngest DS hasn't even got into the grammar school yet! You might have got him diagnosed and medicated sooner, and still ended up in the same place: medication will have helped, but so will his growing maturity. One saying we use a lot in our (quite ND) household is: "we are where we are." You deal with situations as you find them with the information you have at the time: you play the ball where it lays.

You tried what you thought would be best with your DS - and a lot of people would have thought the same! - and it didn't work out. He's now happy in his school. He will understand why you did what you did more as he gets older. It sounds like you're quite honest with him that the school move didn't achieve what you wanted it to, but that you think he's ultimately ended up in the right place - which is a really good narrative for him about making mistakes, learning from them, and learning that they can be fixed.

I would also be quite honest that he might well be a different sort of person from his siblings: lots of siblings are! His brothers are not identical to one another either. Understanding himself, and seeking out people who value him for who he is - regardless of whether he's related to them - is also a great lesson to learn.

Children should always go to the schools that are best for them. Not just stuck in the same school just because. It’s easy to throw all your children in one school and effectively be done with it. Same as just picking your closest school.

All of mine currently and expected at secondary level to be at completely different schools because I want the best for them individually.

Shared memories at the same school are not something I’ve really heard of from friends who went to the same schools as their siblings. More older child wanting to ignore and pretend the younger sibling did not exist.

Being at different schools gives them a chance to also not just be Tommy’s brother or sister. They get to be them a blank fresh start where teachers don’t already have good or bad expectations based on their sibling.

He could have been in the grammar and hated it and fail every subject. His happy and thriving in his school and that makes it the best school.

I think you need to address why this is affecting YOU so much - so siblings don’t go to the same school so what? If he had been a girl chances are he wouldn’t (not sure if your Grammar is single sexed ours are)

Dd went through grammar til 16 and moved for sixth form it suited her (actually until year 11) but it isn’t for everyone

DS went to non grammar that suits him

both agree not having the other at school is a good thing

You've got him to a school where he is happy and settled and that's a huge achievement, particularly for a child with additional needs.
Imagine you could turn back the clock and do things differently. Could you have hoped for a better outcome? DS might have ended up at the grammar school and been deeply unhappy or unable to cope. And you might be posting here beating yourself up about having pushed him too hard.
Honestly don't be so hard on yourself. It sounds to me like you're reflective and caring which is just the sort of mum your DS needs.

You have three boys, of course you want to reassure yourself that you have given them all the same, but you cant. Even if they all went to the same school, lived in the same house with identical bedrooms and matching outfits you would not be able to offer each child the same experience. You will parent #1 different to #2 or #3 - he was your first and he has his own personality. Listen to any group of siblings in adulthood comparing the differences they each felt they had in their upbringing. What is important is that you support each one in their own path and help them develop into rounded individuals who know and accept themselves for who they are. Be careful how the guilt impacts on how you parent everyone, if #2 is doing well in the school he is in celebrate that, acknowledge that you would of liked things to be different but help him appreciate what he has. Comparison is the thief of joy. You do not know what the future holds but if you can teach your sons values that help them appreciate what they have, be kind to others and to find ways to overcome challenges - they will hopefully be able to navigate life skilfully. Your middle son has learnt things his brothers haven't - that doesn't mean you would wish those challenges on the others but try to see how he has developed as a result not what he has lost. You have no way of knowing how the decisions made now may turn out to be in the future - none of us do, so you can't go through life wishing you could turn back the clock, it will stop you see the opportunities that are yet to come.

This was a difficult thread to write, so thank you for the different perspectives and supportive comments. So much sense in all of these replies and they're helping me to accept that I did my best at the time and not to keep looking back or second guessing. The thing that sticks with me - as a few of you have pointed out - is that my feelings of guilt will be apparent to the boys and affect the atmosphere or the way I parent them. I am trying to celebrate and support all their individual strengths and achievements - and there is little crossover - they are quite different characters with different interests.

Something to work on is the shared experiences they have outside of school. My eldest son is quite dismissive of my middle son but has a nurturing relationship with my youngest son. That amplifies this situation with schools.

My middle son does a fair bit of winding up his siblings (much less now he's 13) and is generally less compliant, more emotional. It is getting a little better as they get older, or maybe they're just around each other less as teenagers. When they were small, they'd be bunched together a lot more on activities and days out.

is your middle child on medication for their ADHD. From your latest update it sounds like your eldest is struggling to have a bond with them due to their behaviour.

Definitely focus on family and home activites and don’t make life all about school. At the end of the day they are three individuals with different likes, needs and personalities and being in the same school altogether isn’t the answer for all of them.

Much of this is: teenage boys, middle sons, teenagers. As someone whose boys are a bit older, the 12/13/14 years are the worse and it does get easier as they mature, and get through the hormones, spots, teenage tantrums stage of early adolescence. You have a rose tinted glasses view of your boys looking back to when they were younger, dressed the same, did the same activities, same days out - and I get this, I was exactky the same. It takes some adjusting to the fact that they become stroppy teenagers, all at different stages, all worrying about different things at different times, you seem to lose the unity, family. I think this is normal you know. Teenagers are meant to go out and do their own thing for a bit, with their own friends. Its part of growing up.

My experience is that they come out the other side. My oldest is at uni and often asks after his younger brothers, after barely acknowledging their existence at secondary school (it seemed to me) but they have all kinds of shared interests and communications going on, I now see. 2 are in the same fantasy football league. Another 2 play the same online game and are in the same clan. 2 follow the same musician. 2 have a shared hobby etc etc. None of this has anything to do with their shared/non shared school. Plus loads of things that are unique to just them. The problem is yours are still too young for you to see all this brother code going on. But you will, I'm sure.

I went to a grammar, it was at the time one of the top 3 schools in the country, i got in with flying colours. I absolutely hated it. The pressure. The academic focus. I started to slip, I could not focus as intently on the work as my peers. I started to lag behind them.
I ended up leaving and going to the local secondary which suited me better. There were a lot of mental health issues at the grammar too. It was well known the kids suffered with the pressure.
I have since found I have adhd, after both my sons have been diagnosed. I would never send my adhd kids to a grammar.
I have a great job now which I love. Sure, some of my peers from grammar are super high flying lawyers, but not all, some are just average people doing average jobs now. Would I have had a better job at a grammar? Who knows..

This is just one of the pitfalls of the Grammar system. My SD went to school with twins, one got in and one didn't. I bet that was an awkward evening around the dinner table. You have to accept that the reason he didn't get in is because he didn't pass the exam. My SD also has ADHD and didn't pass the 11+. She is doing better now she's medicated and supported with ADHD but she wasn't right for Grammar school.

My husband and I both also have ADHD and both passed whilst being undiagnosed, because, to put it nicely, we are naturally more academic that SD. She has many talents and I think she'll go on to do better than either of us have, but nerdy intellectual isn't her personality type as it is ours.

You have to stop dwelling on mistakes you made in the past and focus on valuing all your children for who they are right now.

Oh OP I am so sorry you feel this way, you did the absolute best you could do for him with the resources and info you had at the time. Hindsight is 20/20, you had the choice of 2 schools where he was being bullied, you have no idea if the bullying in the first primary would have escalated if he went back.

It sounds like middle child is doing great at school, if he got in the grammar he may have been stressed, under achieving and might have got bullied again. It sounds like he's finally at a school thats a good fit for him. Let your youngest try his best for whatever school will be best for him too. And give your middle child lots of encouragement, we all have strengths in different areas. I bet he's a brilliant kid with a great imagination if he's like any other kid with ADHD I know. He'll do well in life with a good Mum like you who loves him so much. Xx

All three of us went to different schools. One private (but scholarship), one grammar and one comp. Never gave it a thought.

What’s done is done. Sounds like all boys are happy now and at the right school for them. Be grateful. I’ve seen boys struggle at grammar and it’s miserable for them. Maybe middle son needs a little support making his own niche - friends, interests. But the way I see it he’s not the odd one out, he’s the unique one.

I went to a different school to my siblings, because I ‘got in’ and they didn’t. It’s fine, it was nice not to be someone’s sister at school etc.

different kids need different things.

my children are different and will likely be in different schools. My friends kids have an age gap that means they won’t be at school together.

them going school together is only until the oldest leaves.

I just wouldn’t worry about it myself. Removing my child from a school where they are bullied is a decision I would make, it’s so hard for you that the new schools wasn’t better, but you don’t know until you know and he sounds like he is happier now.

move forward, talk about it if he wants to

If you have the option you send your child to the best school that suits them. Where we live it's really common for siblings to be spread out around different schools.

My DS went to state grammar but DD didn't even take the 11+ as there was no point. When DD was struggling at her state academy we moved her to a non selective independent. Both kids were at the right school for them in the end.

I have a friend who had four kids at four different schools. One at a boys grammar, one at a girls grammar, one at an academy and one at a comp. They are individuals all with different strengths and needs. All are doing brilliantly.

It's not unusual and you have nothing to feel guilty for.

It’s tricky isn’t it, thing is you will never know. Maybe he would have left Juniors and enjoyed the experience, and maybe not. Or as my eldest didn’t like any of it! Some through Covid missed out of a lot of experiences, I would say knowing them now it’s a distant memory.

I would say he may relish having his own experience and not having to live up to expectations of other siblings, or maybe they won’t get on at Secondary and have unfair expectations for teachers or they may sense they have even when they don’t. It sounds like he needs his own space to grow and thrive, I wonder if it will be quite exciting for him - let’s hope so!

OP, just to say that my brother and I have always been pretty close despite going to different schools. Shared summers and holidays and shows we watched together helped.

I agree with PPs that shared experiences outside of school are important.

You are really over thinking this. I am in a grammar area and it's really common for siblings to go to different schools, depending on what's right for him. You made all your decisions in good faith. It sounds like you're a great mum. Move forward. You've said yourself he is happy and doing well at his school; what's to say he wouldn't be really unhappy if he were at the same school as his sibling?

Is it an all-boys grammar? As if you’d had a daughter, she’d be at the girls school anyway even if she passed. In grammar areas it’s incredibly common to have kids at different schools - there must be lots of friends with similar?

Anyway I’d be thankful he’s happy and not being bullied - this shows the path was right for him

If your middle child went to the same school as his brothers he'd still feel different as his experience of it would likely be very different to theirs.

Your son sounds very happy and suited to his school. He may not have been at the grammar. Kids can do very well at a non grammar. Mine did.

You did what you thought was best for him at the time. Reading more to him whilst he was younger may not have made any difference. He has dyslexia, my friend couldn’t read until she was 9, state primary did nothing to help her and moving to a prep school made all the difference. She now has an MSc in Physics and is a teacher.

You need to put the kids in the school that works best for them and be open with them that they have different strengths and the school they are at is the best one to harness their skills. I see the effect of kids being at the wrong school for them all the time.

Covid delayed a lot of kids getting diagnosed. I’m glad my son isn’t a few years older as he would have been one of those ‘missed’ kids. He was diagnosed at 6 with AuDHD and medication has made a massive difference.

Ultimately, it is not your fault. His neurodiversity makes him different but that isn’t a bad thing and the sooner society stops trying to make ND kids neurotypical, the better! They need a different schooling system to thrive!