To allow my daughter to go to the sleepover???

[NattyNavySheep]

DD is 9. For context, she is confident and assertive. She is also extrovert and makes friends very easily.

We relocated a year ago, and DD’s friends have this year, started having birthday sleepovers.

I’m a teaching assistant in the school, so I know the other children pretty well and see the families.

The last sleepover was with a parent I know relatively well, so that was fine. This next one, is the same group of children, but with a parent I know less well. DD is so excited to go, and the mum seems nice. Also, I know she is a friend of someone I know well.

I suppose I’m just overthinking, but I’m wondering if I’m being mad to let her go?

The school is in a lovely area, with a fantastic group of parents and families. Everyone has been so welcoming to us. I just don’t know this mum particularly well. WWYD?

Sorry -

YABU - don’t let her go.
YANBU - let her go and have fun with her friends.

If you feel she will be comfortable being away over night and has done so before then I’d be sending her with a smile.

Thanks @Smartiepants79 - she is great at staying away from home. She has done camping with Brownies, school residentials, sleepovers with family and 1 friend sleepover. There’s never been an issue.

Anyone else have an opinion on this? Just with everything you hear about on the news, I suppose I’m more apprehensive.

I'd probably let her go - while it's understandable to have a twinge of anxiety when you don't know the parent well, the actual risk of anything bad happening is small. We take risks all the time with our children, every time we put them in a car, every time we let them go and knock for a friend to play out - we can't eliminate all risk. Does she have a phone so she can message you while she's there?

Sleepovers aren’t safe as they increase vulnerability to csa. Even if you know the parents well, there’s no guarantees and they may invite other people into your home like relatives, friends or older siblings friends. I’ve never seen a child psychologist or child protection professional that says they’re safe. I intend to do very late pick ups when we hit sleepover age.

Just because the school is in a lovely area and there’s a fantastic group of parents and families doesn’t mean risks aren’t there.

Im not trying to scare you but people need to be more aware that predators aren’t walking around looking like the child catcher in shitty chitty bang bang, they are just every day people, in every day jobs, in every day families.

All you can do if you’re going to let her go is make sure you’ve had open and honest age appropriate conversations with her about body autonomy and boundaries. There’s great videos out there on websites like NSPCC etc to show children that talk about their bodies being theirs and not for other people to touch.

Thank you @DaisyChain505 - I’ll have a look at the NSPCC website.

I think birthday sleepovers are fairly common practice at 9 years old. I’m 41 and definitely had sleepovers at that age.

Have you met the parent? Do you have a contact number for them? Do you know their address? Do they have your contact numbers for if required?

My children have had sleepovers. I’ve always met the parents prior to them going and it’s always a friend they regularly play with.

We can’t bring our children up to think every child’s parents are sexual predators. However, you can educate your child about sexual abuse in a age appropriate way.

I don't know. My DC is well below sleepover age and I'm already dreading it. I used to work with children who had been sexually abused, and that changed how I saw the world in terms of safety. Invariably there was always a breech of trust by someone close to the family. But we can't raise our kids to never trust anyone. I'm not always sure what the middle ground is. Sorry if unhelpful!

Mine went on sleepovers from younger than OP's daughter.
Sleepovers are no more dangerous than they have ever been.

Decades of safeguarding training from working in both health and education and I've never been aware of sleepovers being flagged as any riskier than other visits to friends' houses.

No idea why the opinion of a Child Psychologist would help the decision either. Worked with hundreds of teachers and HCPs over the years. Most of us let our kids do normal stuff including sleepovers. Noone can categorically say that anything is safe; we can't even say that children will be be safe at home.

Sleepovers have suddenly become very unfashionable because of child protection, often people of vocal people who've worked in child protection and are worried that sleepovers are an avoidable risk.

Personally I think that most risks are avoidable, but would result in having a much less enjoyable childhood, therefore I am inclined to allow sleepovers for my children. I am focussed on teaching about sexual abuse and the PANTS rule, and would make sure they had a phone (non smart phone) so they were able to contact me if anything felt off. I'd also be extremely clear that I would come and get them at the drop of a hat, no questions asked.

I would suggest that you let your daughter go, but you will get plenty of people who suggest you should not.

These would be my questions:

Please can I check who will be in the house (including all adults and any teenaged boys)

Please could I check if there are any dogs in the house and what breed?

Please could I check if there are guns in the house and if so, how they are stored (US only).

I’d probably want a quick phone chat with the mum. I’d also have a code with daughter for it she isn’t having a good time and wants to come home but is nervous to say it aloud.

That's hard no for me. For reasons raised above.

Let her go to the sleepover! I don’t get why this is even a question. Group sleepovers at 9 are standard

Surely a group sleepover is safer than an individual one?

And for the record, my kids have done individual ones too. They invariably have a fabulous time, come back high on all the sugar they've consumed, talking nonstop about all the fun they had, and crash as soon as they get home.

You can't wrap kids in cottonwool forever. At some point they have to go out in the wild world. Give them all the tools. Make sure they have access to a phone, and a code word. Make sure they understand the Pants rule. It's the one time I go to bed with my phone next to my head on super loud.

Of course, this assumes that you have no reason to say no.

What have you heard about on the news about sleepovers?

Oh and also, it's really useful if your child is used to sleepovers in case of emergency. I had to ask a friend to take one of my kids once due to a medical emergency, and I have had a friends kids overnight for an emergency their end.

In both case we knew our kids were OK and happy, being looked after while the adults could deal with the emergency.

Why would you not let her go if she wants to? Make sure she has a safe word.

She is too young and cannot advocate for herself if something happened. I would not let her go on a sleepover to a home where I do not know the other occupants extremely well.

So no residential trips, scout camps….

My own personal experience means I realise how naive I was in the past about sleepers. Therefore, I wouldn't let her go.

Mine have been doing Rainbows/Vrownie sleepovers since 6 and friends ones since 8, I have no issue as long as I know the children and parents well.

One mum puts a 'smart tag' (android) or airbag (apple) in their child's bag. The smart tag, when double tapped, pings the persons phone it's linked to. I use it to find my keys from my phone or vice versa, but it can also work as an alert device. If your daughter did get worried, she just has to double tap it and you can then call the parent on some random excuse 'can I just speak with Millie, I think she left her pj's at home and just wanted to double check' and your daughter can have a code word to say she wants to be picked up. It feels a bit OTT to me, but if it reassures parents or children then it's helpful.

That's right

We never let ours go to sleepovers unless we knew the parents very well.