To allow my daughter to go to the sleepover???

[NattyNavySheep]

DD is 9. For context, she is confident and assertive. She is also extrovert and makes friends very easily.

We relocated a year ago, and DD’s friends have this year, started having birthday sleepovers.

I’m a teaching assistant in the school, so I know the other children pretty well and see the families.

The last sleepover was with a parent I know relatively well, so that was fine. This next one, is the same group of children, but with a parent I know less well. DD is so excited to go, and the mum seems nice. Also, I know she is a friend of someone I know well.

I suppose I’m just overthinking, but I’m wondering if I’m being mad to let her go?

The school is in a lovely area, with a fantastic group of parents and families. Everyone has been so welcoming to us. I just don’t know this mum particularly well. WWYD?

We didn't allow our DD to go to sleepovers, whilst the parents might be nice and you might know them, you don't know who they might have round their house, I wasn't comfortable with it.
You have to do what you are comfortable doing x

There are many avoidable risks in childhood but for me this is something I'd allow because I feel the benefits and memories outweigh the risks if my child is aware of the pants rule and exactly what to do (scream, wake up the house) and especially in a group situation with multiple children. I'd be more wary of something like a scout camp with many men in attendance but would probably allow that too.

I would be wary if any of the other children are bringing smartphones though.

Whilst I understand - the chances are low. We cannot protect them all the time. I worked on building good relationships with my girls so that they felt safe telling me anything. Never had an issue with sleepovers - if there are a fair few kids going the chances of any abuse from another adult in the house are minimal.

We have a total sleepover ban unless it's with close family. This includes no school residentials etc. Why would you trust a stranger with your child overnight?

Children are much more likely to experience CSA inside the home/inner circle of friends and family.

Sleepovers are some of the happiest memories of my childhood (same for my children)

Hard no here.
You say you don't know this mum particularly well... How well do you know her husband/partner/siblings other children etc etc? If you cannot categorically say you trust everyone in that household implicitly then it's a no, surely?

"minimal" is too much for me

Those saying " You can't protect your kids all the time?" But you sure as hell can protect them while they are young and you are in control of who they are around!

I will never let my child sleep over ANYONES house untill they atleast teens. For reasons that already been said by others. My kids childhoods is in my hands and I will protect them as much as I can. If that makes me a bad evil mum then so be it.

Banning your child pre-teen child from school residential because you don't trust anyone else with them over night is going a little far, surely. I mean each to their own but then to judge others for sending their children as if it's a no brainer not to trust your school with your child is bizarre behaviour.

Id let her go as its a group thing. I totally get this though and if it was only your child going id say no but host a group sleepover at my house.

I’d let her go. Children need learn to develop and grow away from their parents. I had amazing sleepovers as a child . I am
more cautious as a parent and I would only allow houses im comfortable with and my children know they can always come home. I send a fully charged phone and they have watches with panic mode.

Danger is everywhere but we need to teach children to deal with it to prepare them for life and not leave them unable to deal with life as adults.

I wouldn’t let my children have a sleepover ever. I was sexually assaulted as a minor and it profoundly affected my life. with my children it is my absolute hill to die on,they can hate me all they want but it is my job to try and keep them safe. I have heard a few horror stories at sleepovers and a lot of our friends don’t allow them either. Uncles, brothers, other kids. You have no control over who is there and no, you don’t know them really well. You know what they present to you which will always be their best self. You have absolutely no idea what goes on behind closed doors.

It would be no from me. You can’t put the responsibility of keeping herself safe on a young child. She is vulnerable and sleepovers are unnecessary. She can have a great time with friends without sleeping over.

Absolutely this. I experienced SA at school - but would never suggest that children don't go to school because of this.
I loved sleepovers, my girls love sleepovers. The only line I have drawn is that one of my daughters (aged 10) best friends who is a boy is no longer allowed to sleep in her room. This is probably OTT but she is starting to develop and I just didn't quite feel comfortable with it. They can watch movies etc until late in lounge but he then sleeps on our sofa.

My kids had regular sleepovers from the age of seven. So many happy memories from that time. No regrets.

I’d let her go, my girls are aged 11 & 12, we hosted group sleepovers and they attended them. Everything we do is a risk but she will likely want to be included. You seem familiar with the family, but do what you think is best. The odds are that the worst thing to happen is she’ll be exhausted and moody for 3 days after it for pulling an all nighter.

If the friend has a teenage brother 13 year old and dad at the house, is that better or worse than a mum on her own in the house?

with my children it is my absolute hill to die on,they can hate me all they want

Hmm, I feel you are creating a whole different set of problems here. I had a friend at school whose parents were totally over protective when she was a child/teenager-she was never allowed to go anywhere outside of school unless it was with a very specific few people. My friend went away to university and never came back. She has never spoken to her mum since. She is so angry at her mum's destruction of her childhood, due to her own issues.

I would take sensible precautions-get to know the mum, get her number, give her yours, talk to your daughter about risks and what to do, tell her you will come and get her if she has any concerns.

If you don't let her go to things like this, she'll stop getting invited and will blame you.

But what if something happens? The daughter could blame the mother for not protecting her. This is not sound logic. I think OP you need to do whatever you feel comfortable with and what you think is best.

But what if something happens? The daughter could blame the mother for not protecting her.

The daughter could blame the mother for not letting her go to anything which impacts massively on her friendship groups and relationships.

You've got to obviously make the right choices for you but never letting your daughter stay at someone's house will also affect them.

Jeezo, the amount of social workers and police in this thread is crazy. Don’t let the absolute idiots put you off. Oh I’m a bad mum for allowing sleepovers. Have a day off. Saying I will allow sleepovers at mine only is absolutely mind boggling. So you’re ok but no one else! Give your head a wobble!

I would let her go to the house but pick her up around 10-11pm so she doesn’t actually stay over ☺️

I’m a psychologist who works with trauma. CSA almost always happens to kids by someone they know or have access to them.
I wish I could say sleepovers are fine, but sizeable number are not.
I have allowed sleepovers with my best friends of years and years and years. I have allowed sleepovers of the kids best friend of years and years and years. I wouldn’t allow them to go to anyone else. They’re boys and they’re teenagers. We have kids here all the time often until late ish. But no need for sleepovers. Probably 8 kids have stayed over here in 10 years. They’ve only stayed at one friend each and my best best friend.

Luckily sleepovers haven’t occurred much yet for DSs 10 & 8, they only have sleepovers with 1 family where parents, big bro and little bro are all besties. If one of them is invited to a sleepover at someone we don’t know well’s house, my main concern would be if they have dogs and the general vibe of the family, and rules around gaming/horror movies etc while the sleepover is happening.

This is wild!!! Children shouldn’t have to develop to cope with “danger everywhere!” They don’t “need to learn to deal with risk!” FML. They are children. They deserve protection: they don’t have to become resilient by experiencing bad things. They can just be told no; there’s some resilience skills needed for that option too.