AIBU to think life would be so much easier without other people!

[Person93369]

I’m so fed up with trying to keep everyone happy. My other half has 4 very lovely siblings. All married and they all love helping each other out and being there for each other without living in each others pockets.

I have one sister and she values her friends and colleagues way above me and my family. (She is single) I tried to forge a closer relationship with her years ago by inviting her here for dinner once per week. She stop after two weeks saying our house is too busy and she couldn’t relax. We have 4 children. It’s just a normal family home. She comes to us every Christmas and has her dinner then leaves. We never see each other except when it’s to do with mum. She works full time and feels that absolves her of all “caring” duties.

We were invited to a night out in an industry award thing tonight for husbands work. I’d arranged for a paid babysitter (partners family live 2 hours away or they would have sat for us. I thought this was better as it’s only a few hours) Baby sitter has developed flu and is really ill so has had to cancel. my eldest is working until 8pm. (Dinner being served at 8 so too late) So I asked my sister. She said she would check her diary and come back to me. When she did she said she was meeting a friend who she hasn’t seen for years and didn’t want to put her off.

Im Lucky enough to be a “housewife” and I spend my time caring for my mother and my family. I don’t have lots of friends because i just don’t get the time to spend with them. I’ve arranged a rather convoluted scenario with my eldest who is happy (begrudgingly ) for me to drop the others with them at work on our way to dinner and they will then sort it out from there.

Partner is pissed off that it’s become “so dramatic” (bear in mind I organised this before I went and told him babysitter had cancelled.) He’s going to go on his own now. He’s not in a mood as such but he’s pissed off.

Im so sick of people. I try my best to make everything happen in this family. I am run ragged looking after my mother and all the kids. I don’t have friends to go out and vent to so I’ll go for a walk on my own and it’s the most peaceful time. AIBU to think life would be easier on my own?

I read your heading and thought definitely not unreasonable and then read your post and fully changed my mind. What relevance is your sister being single? Why should she cancel her plans to look after your kids? You chose to have 4 kids, that's nobody's fault but yours. 4 kids is not a normal household. You're not 'lucky' to be a 'housewife', it's a bit sad. You're sick of people but had 4 kids. Perhaps if you had some independence and a career and some ambition, you would see that and be less judgey and accept some responsibility for your own life choices.

@HoskinsChoiceWow. I consider myself told. The point you gleaned from my post isn’t the point I was trying to make. But ok. Thank you for your response. I appreciate you.

Ignore the poster that said being a housewife is a bit sad, What an asshole comment, you are a mother of 4. Children benefit from having a parent at home. Guess the poster wants you to work full time and pay for someone else to pickup and drop off, cook, clean and run errands. Or better still do it all yourself and ‘have it all’. You are lucky, if you can choose what you do, v lucky.

I don't think being a housewife is "sad" if it's what you truly want but expecting your sister to drop her plans for you last minute is unreasonable. I'm sensing a bit of contempt for your sister's lifestyle - perhaps feels it too and this why she keeps her distance.

I am run ragged looking after my mother and all the kids.

I feel like this is the real issue. Is your husband one of these men who believes that he's exempt from all childcare and housework because he works? Has your mum reached a point where you need to enlist some professional carers?

I don’t expect my sister to give up everything to ok after my kids. Of course I don’t. I’m pissed off because she makes no effort with me or my children and she doesn’t help at all with the care our mother needs. Yet she will still expect me to do things for her eg retrieve parcels from her front door. Give her a lift to airport or hep her out with a late credit card bill. And yes I feel I’ve a mug. I now have to listen to eldest child and husband discuss how sad it is that my sister doesn’t bother with me unless she wants something and how fab his siblings are. I’m not only fed up with sister (I do not believe she had plans for tonight) I’m fed up with everyone.

Don’t do anything for your sister. You are a mug and she is a user. Match her energy. As for your mother, that is up to you, your sister ought to help out just out of fairness but she isn’t obliged to help you or your mother.

Well then answer is obvious. Stop doing things for your sister.

I don’t expect my sister to give up everything to ok after my kids.

But you do. You've decided that she must be lying to you about having plans, and whatever her real reason is for saying no, it's not good enough. She can refuse to look after your kids, but only if you decide she has an acceptable reason. Otherwise you'll get the hump with her.

And then you wonder why she lied?

I’m pissed off because she makes no effort with me or my children and she doesn’t help at all with the care our mother needs.

I'm sure she can tell. Let me guess: you stew in resentment about this and have never attempted to have an adult conversation with her about it?

You chose to have four kids, and you're choosing to take on the bulk of care for your mother. It's human to want help, and it's understandable you feel overwhelmed. But at the end of the day, these are choices you made, and you're acting like your sister owes it to you to do everything you're doing. You resent her for being single, and constantly compare her to your husband's siblings. Do you really think that's not coming across when you talk to her? I'm not surprised she ditched the weekly dinners.

Yet she will still expect me to do things for her eg retrieve parcels from her front door. Give her a lift to airport or hep her out with a late credit card bill. And yes I feel I’ve a mug.

Then say no. Make an excuse. Give her a taste of her own medicine.

You won't, though, because you're worried other people might judge you for it. And because you want to have things over your sister, as fuel for your resentment. You need these things in your back pocket, so that next time you want her to do something for you, you can say "Well I did X and Y, you owe me". (You won't actually say it to her, but you will be thinking it. Loudly. And feeling hard done by.)

You should help your sister because you want to help - not because you want to get something out of it. The way you're doing it now, you're making the relationship transactional and feeding unhealthy resentments. Maybe your sister is an ungrateful brat. But you play the martyr and feel entitled to her time. No-one is winning here.

How do you mean, on your own? I mean, if you left your husband you'd presumably still care for your mother? And obviously you'd still have the kids.

Having the kids isn't reversible. Being your mother's carer is. If you want to have more free time, the only option you've got is working out a different care plan for her.

Stop doing things for your sister then! There’s literally no point just complaining that she takes the piss and then still saying yes to her. It’s annoying listening to someone complain but then never putting their foot down.
You don’t have to do these things for her, and she doesn’t have to babysit for you.

Could you have booked another babysitter through an agency?

Your husband and eldest need to get a grip too, by the way. As the actual parent and sibling of the children who needed babysitting, it's silly of them to be as resentful as they are, for what sounds like being quite mildly inconvenienced. Auntie whoever is being treated as a scapegoat, and all this sad headshaking over your deficient relatives sounds like an attempt to guilt trip you, more than actual concern. Unfortunately, all your whining about her has opened the door for "your" sister and "your" family - and by extension, you - to be made the scapegoat of every situation like this.

Stop feeding into it.

So your sister couldn't babysit? And you assume (but don't actually know for sure) that she's lying. And that makes her the one who ruined everyone's night, and subject of a prolonged bitching session by Eldest and DH. But why is she the problem? Let's pull back and look at the situation again.

DH is obviously in a sulk, despite what you say. You've made arrangements to go with him but he's got in a huff and decided to go on his own. Sounds pretty immature to me. You're pretending he's not in a mood though, to keep the peace with him.

DH's siblings live two hours away. I doubt the babysitter was struck by flu ten minutes before she was supposed to show up. You probably could have asked them for help here, but either you didn't want to inconvenience them, or they had their own reasons not to come. Why no resentment for them? DH is their brother and it's his big night, after all.

Eldest, meanwhile, seems to be an adult living with you. Why did Eldest not take the night off to babysit in the first place? Or leave work early? Why are you all acting like it's more of an inconvenience for her to give her siblings a lift home and put some dinner on for them, than it would be for your sister to come to a house she only visits once a year, and do the same?

And you're pussy footing around Eldest the same way you are your husband, I notice. Insisting she's happy when "begrudging" is clearly the dominant emotion. If it wasn't, she would have told her dad to get over himself and take you out now the babysitting is all sorted with her. And she wouldn't feel the need to participate in the bitching session against Dear Aunt either.

It seems like you've allowed your sister to be the scapegoat here, because it's easier to blame her than to get into it with husband and eldest

When I was a stay at home mum I grew very resentful of my perceived servant status within my house and to friends who always assumed I was available to help with childcare. It was my sign to get a job. Maybe it’s yours. The world would go on turning.

No, YANBU.
I never had any children or siblings. Left my own country so I never had to look after my (very emotionally abusive) parents.
I have a husband, but slowly working towards becoming a happy recluse.
I have been fed up of people since childhood and made decisions accordingly.
🍀

I'm curious how much you're actually doing for your sister, by the way. You make it sound like she takes advantage for every little thing, but you also almost never see her? Once a year on Christmas, and rarely if something comes up with your mum. It sounds like she's gone low contact with you, and when I look more closely at the things she's asked you for - lift to the airport, parcel collected, help with a credit card bill - I wonder if you were her last resort for them, not her first.

There's a big difference between an "I've helped you three times in the last month alone, I could use some reciprocation here" relationship, and an "I've helped you three times in the last five years and I'm still resentful about it" relationship.

It's your life - own it.

Accept that your sister won't do anything for you. Choose how much you want to do for her anyway, and do it with a willing heart. If you don't want to do anything except chat sometimes, that's fine. It's perfectly okay to be sisters who are friendly but who don't "do stuff" for each other.

Accept that your mother needs help. Decide how much help you want to offer, and do only that. It doesn't matter whether your sister also helps. Just do what you want to do. Then any additional help your mother needs, she will need to pay for (or apply for state help, depending on her circumstances and what the needs are).

I can't work out why your DH is in a huff. The fact that it isn't obvious what you've done "wrong" strongly indicates that he is a dick. Decide what you want from him, and what you are prepared to offer (these need to be the same, obviously!) and communicate.

He’s annoyed that it’s not straightforward. He doesn’t want them hanging around waiting on eldest to finish work. He is irritated that it’s not a straightforward event. I’ve known about and he said I left it too late to tell him of the new plan. He’s right. I should have told him last night. I just couldn’t face the argument I knew was coming.

I know these issues are all my own making. I know that of course. I’m just feeing a bit defeated and sorry for myself.

I think your last point is key here, OP —your issue is less ‘other people’ than your own people-pleasing and the buried resentment you’re carrying around because of it. The great thing is that you can, with effort, change this.

Probably not. If you were on your own you'd probably have to earn a living for starters, which would mean opening up your life to another set of people you had to keep happy, a boss, customers, colleagues, who wouldn't even being the advantage of loving or even necessarily liking you to the table. So unless you're wealthy enough to be a comfortable recluse, you're probably better off as you are.

It is of your own making that you keep saying yes to your sister.

But I don’t see him sorting the babysitting out, so he should quit the whinging.

Gosh. I didn’t realise how flawed and awful I was until now. Seems I’ve got some work to do on myself. I know I’m trying to please everyone and actually pleasing no one. It’s a tough cycle to break because I’m just in my own head feeling guilty and judged. I then get resentful when I can’t get any help when I need it. As the one who doesn’t go out to work I get asked to help in lots of ways yet there is no one around when I need help. Again I know that’s a me problem. I just need to figure out how to fix it. Sorry I know it wouldn’t be better on my own and I know I choose to have the kids. I love them and wouldn’t change them for the world.

Well, it’s great that you recognise that it’s your mindset that’s the issue here. You’ve said people ask you for help because you don’t work outside the home. Think about why you say yes to people so much. What stops you saying no?

I think one of the telling things for me is that you have no friends yet you're pouring all this energy into a one sided relationship with your sister. I have two siblings who don't bother with me or my children so why would I go out my way to build relationships with them when I can spend my energy on people who actually want to be part of my life? The same goes for you OP, life is short, spend your time and energy on people who actually enrich and add to your life.

Also as someone said this is your life. Own it. Stop trying to please everyone and running yourself ragged. You can't pour from an empty cup. Set boundaries with your mum of what you can and can't do. But also try and ensure you actually spend some time doing things for yourself.

You are really misguiding your anger OP. I'd be really annoyed too if the babysitter was sick but then you need to source another sitter. Your sister has plans, I don't see anything wrong with that. The issue you have with your sister in general has nothing to do with this particular event. It sounds like she isn't interested in a close relationship with you and that's hurtful and upsetting. That's fair enough but a different issue entirely from the work event. And your post makes no sense, you say life would be easier without people but what you really want and need is more people supporting you.

What age are your kids if the oldest one is out working?

Why did you know an argument was coming with your DH because the babysitter cancelled?

Get a part time job for your own sanity.

Are your kids not all at school? You need to find an activity to make, maintain and enjoy some friendships!

Seriously, you’ve either been pushed or pushed yourself into a martyr / scapegoat role, but if you want to, you can climb out of it! What do you want?