AIBU to think life would be so much easier without other people!

[Person93369]

I’m so fed up with trying to keep everyone happy. My other half has 4 very lovely siblings. All married and they all love helping each other out and being there for each other without living in each others pockets.

I have one sister and she values her friends and colleagues way above me and my family. (She is single) I tried to forge a closer relationship with her years ago by inviting her here for dinner once per week. She stop after two weeks saying our house is too busy and she couldn’t relax. We have 4 children. It’s just a normal family home. She comes to us every Christmas and has her dinner then leaves. We never see each other except when it’s to do with mum. She works full time and feels that absolves her of all “caring” duties.

We were invited to a night out in an industry award thing tonight for husbands work. I’d arranged for a paid babysitter (partners family live 2 hours away or they would have sat for us. I thought this was better as it’s only a few hours) Baby sitter has developed flu and is really ill so has had to cancel. my eldest is working until 8pm. (Dinner being served at 8 so too late) So I asked my sister. She said she would check her diary and come back to me. When she did she said she was meeting a friend who she hasn’t seen for years and didn’t want to put her off.

Im Lucky enough to be a “housewife” and I spend my time caring for my mother and my family. I don’t have lots of friends because i just don’t get the time to spend with them. I’ve arranged a rather convoluted scenario with my eldest who is happy (begrudgingly ) for me to drop the others with them at work on our way to dinner and they will then sort it out from there.

Partner is pissed off that it’s become “so dramatic” (bear in mind I organised this before I went and told him babysitter had cancelled.) He’s going to go on his own now. He’s not in a mood as such but he’s pissed off.

Im so sick of people. I try my best to make everything happen in this family. I am run ragged looking after my mother and all the kids. I don’t have friends to go out and vent to so I’ll go for a walk on my own and it’s the most peaceful time. AIBU to think life would be easier on my own?

AIBU to think life would be so much easier without other people!

YANBU at all.

Talking from experience, it's bliss.

Can I get some hep on how to get out of this cycle. I started saying yes because I wanted help people. But I’ve realised it just turns into a situation where I end up getting used and no friendship etc comes from it. I am really hurt that sister is only interested in friends and has no time for us. She’s my children’s godmother yet it was a terrible choice as she isn’t interested in them
either. I agree I need to start by only putting effort into those relationships that enrich my life.

the one i will struggle with is mother. She’s elderly and very infirm. She needs daily help despite having carers. I run her house and mine and coordinate all her care. This role has grown rather than me stepping into it.

im tired of it all. I suppose one step at a time and try to not spread myself so thin.

OP, you're being a bit of a martyr now, describing yourself as 'flawed and awful' in response to a handful of people, mostly well intentioned, giving you alternative perspectives at your own request.Not being perfectly 100% right in everything isn't being 'awful', it's just being human.
You need to stop defining yourself as the person who does everything for everyone and then resents them if they don't reciprocate, and start doing what you feel comfortable with and is fair to pull your weight.
Obviously as a SAH person you're going to be landed with stuff that supports others who work. That's the whole point of the role. But you need to arrive at a place where you make your contribution but don't feel you're exploited.

Email your sister and say ‘Listen, we’re going to have to have a conversation about mum and her care before 2026 comes as I’m not coping looking after her on my own.’

Say to your husband ‘well I’m a bit upset tbh at being pushed out of going to an event I was looking forward to just because you were unhappy with the childcare situation’.

What did you used to to work wise. What are your interests? It’s perfectly valid to be a sahm btw, but it’s a bit rubbish if everyone then takes you for granted and isn’t very nice to you.

You need to go and watch Shirley Valentine and scheme for your renaissance in 2026. How could you pull back a bit from lots of things?

Can I get some hep on how to get out of this cycle. I started saying yes because I wanted help people

Practice saying "no" for a change, get good at it, stand your ground, and spend much more time doing things for yourself rather than others, or because you perceive there is an outwardly expectation you'll do them. What other people think of you is irrelevant. It doesn't matter. At all.

You're unreasonable expecting your sister to watch your kids. But not unreasonable for everything else. Husband sound a bit arsey. Shame you're missing out ❤️ As for your mum, tell your sister she needs to be more involved. She can go in at weekends or use a holiday to give you a day off.

Your sister. Depends how close you are and how well you can both communicate about tricky subjects without anyone getting angry. You could discuss it with her, "how do you see our relationship, and what would you like it to be like?" Or if that's likely to lead to problems just be busy when she asks you for a favour you don't have time for. Every time, say no (unless you are genuinely happy to do it with no expectation of reciprocation). If she realises the relationship has changed and asks you about it, be honest but gentle and just say you were struggling, and ask her the above question "what does she want from your relationship." She can hardly say "I want to use you and never give anything back, can she!"

Re your mum, I think you should put a whole new thread in the elderly parents board, which is where you'll get the best help. Include the country she lives in (Wales, Scotland, etc) and what her needs are, what help she currently gets and whether she can afford to pay for more. They give great advice on that board.

I absolutely disagree with this. No adult child "needs" to be involved with the care of elderly parents. If your parents have been good to you it's likely you'll want to help out (if you have capacity), but it is never, ever an obligation. Telling a sister she is obliged to do something she isn't is not a good idea.

But look at what you’ve just said here. You didn’t ’just want to help people’, you go on to say that you end up feeling ‘used’ and that ‘no friendship etc comes from it’. You had expectations that your ‘help’ would win you friendship in return, which is the classic people-pleaser mistake. And yet you’ve kept on making it, and becoming more and more resentful, which is generally what happens. One of the (many) problems with people-pleasing is that it doesn’t work. The people-pleaser ends up running themselves ragged and blaming other people as ‘users’, without taking any responsibility for the dynamic you’ve contributed.

It may feel counter-intuitive, but take a breath and say ‘I made choices that contributed to this situation. I can choose to make choices thst work better for me.’ Take some time and think about what yiu want your life to look like. You sound as if you need to clear space for yourself to pursue interests and make and maintain friendships, so a good place to start sounds like rethinking your mother’s care, talking to your sister. Do you plan to return to work? Or retrain with that in mind?

The sister has no obligation to look after the mother. Not her fault that OP is a martyr and wants to please everyone while secretly (or not so?) judging her sister's life choices.

Equally, OP can start saying no to her sister, unless she likes holding something over her. OP's choice.

Why is it all your job to replace the cancelled babysitter? Why can't DH ask one of his helpful siblings? It's not all your own doing - DH could take some responsibility.

Absolutely. I’d think whoever’s event it is should be leading on the babysitter search, anyway, if it’s more than just checking your usual person is free, even regardless of having helpful siblings.

To be fair to him, he works, she doesn't. If, as a couple, you choose to have this kind of arrangement, it is only fair that the non-worker will run the household including childcare.

The answer to all of this is to gain some independence and get a job. If she was working full time, it then becomes fair that he does 50% of the childcare arrangements.

She's made her own bed on that front. She describes herself as 'lucky' to be a 'housewife' (her words). Being a 'housewife' is about cooking, cleaning, washing, childcare, family admin etc. Housewives are basically the family skivvies. You can't choose to be a housewife and then whine about being a housewife unless you've done something about it and got a job.

I think you've worded it completely opposite in your heading there? Life is easier with other people, and you're feeling let down because you'd like more support from your sister than she's prepared to give. That's sad, but I also have 4 children and it's not something that you can easily get someone else to fill in for unfortunately, especially when it sounds like your sister find it overwhelming even as a guest let alone being in charge. I saw you said you don't have friends because you don't have time, but if you try and invest time and energy into friendship, it can be a great way to have reciprocal support - you can help your friends and they will help you when you need it too.

Echoing this.. you dont have time for friends with no employment and 4 children, one old enough to work. How is it unreasonable that DSis has a full time job and strong friendships and there no time for your family?

You sound awfully judgemental or her choices because theyre different from yours OP. You emergency doesnt trump her plan. Its unfortunate but just one of those things

You need to start finding some time for yourself - find a new hobby or interest and make friends!
One day your kids will leave home, your mother will either (sadly) die, or be in care home if her needs are increasing, and you will be left with your husband working all hours.
Reclaim your own life - join a book group or a gym or something and make some friends

First off op your entitled to feel what you feel but as for the sister stop inviting her to anything she has shown you she’s not interested in you or your kids. I would also say she needs to help at weekends with your mum. Just because you have the caring gene doesn’t mean you have to do everything. If she doesn’t step up that’s on her maybe just remind her your mum is both your mums and she needs to be less selfish her mates are not the only people she should be seeing. Otherwise you are trapped also learn to say no more or sorry I’m busy can’t help you.

You're playing the martyr; it never ends well.

We don't choose our family. The only people we choose in life are our friends and spouses. We don't choose our children either - we just decide to have them.

In times of conflict we stick to family because we know them, but that isn't the same as wiping their noses.

Seriously you are calling OP judgey when you are happy to judge her lack of ambition how many children she has etc. Also why should she be the one to always look after their mother maybe the sister who does not have children to consider could spare some time and take some responsibility for the mother.

Wow harsh ...sister is ok to dump her mums care onto her sister with no comebacks ...
Very selective criticism there .

You have a dh problem and by the sounds of it, eldest kid issue.

Ugh sounds like my dsis. I presumed as she got older she would start to consider other people but it just hasn't happened. The world revolves around her. For eg she will take dms house key off the set of car keys as she's lost her own. She doesn't for one minute consider telling dm that she has taken the key or wonder how dm will get back into the house. The penny doesn't even drop when it is pointed out to her. I can't understand if it is stupidity or selfishness. She constantly gets everyone to help her out but gives nothing back in return. A dose of the real world is what they need.
I hope you get to go on your night out OP, can you look into hiring another sitter? Surely there are some from creches/TAs looking for extra cash before Christmas?

This is your life and these are the choices you have made. Your sister is living her life and with the choices she made. Your sister cares about herself only, nothing you can do about that or change it but what you can change is this:
Yet she will still expect me to do things for her eg retrieve parcels from her front door. Give her a lift to airport or hep her out with a late credit card bill.

Why are you doing all that?? Just stop so you won’t have to complain about it. You’ve done that to yourself.

Wow very harsh I thought.