MIL is beginning to unravel and baby isn’t here yet

[Motherhoodpending]

My MIL unfortunately has a history of depression and can get quite paranoid.

She found out I’d asked my own mum to babysit for a wedding in December when baby will be 7 months old. She started calling my husband to ask why she hadn’t been asked instead days after and was obviously annoyed. She heard we were going on holiday with the baby and she kept asking to be invited and my husband had to keep saying no.

Then my husband and her had an argument and she started to message me about my husband, insulting him etc. I didn’t know what to reply and my pregnancy has been really difficult so I don’t have the energy for it. I kept my replies minimal and she kept sending rambling messages about him.

They then had an argument face to face.

All this drama is just making me anxious but I know she’s not the type to pander to. I’m not sure how to approach both situations when they’re brought up to me? My husband has dealt with it and was annoyed she messaged me but it’s more if she tries to involve me or brings it up when I next see her. AIBU to need advice on how to deal with this?

Just keep on saying it is between him and her, what else can you say?

@PollyBell I know, it’s just I have such physical anxiety over it like my IBS is in overdrive. I’m not sure why it’s getting to me so much unless it’s pregnancy related. I said in the messages that she needs to bring it up to him instead and she just kept sending long rambling texts.

She needs to chill out. Just tell her she will get her chance to babysit. Why do some grandmothers act like this? Like it’s an entitlement. Wish my DC’s grandmothers were falling over themselves to babysit. Sadly none were!

Block her and ask your husband to stop replying to her texts. Also go low contact and only let her see your baby when you’re ready to, not when she demands. I also wouldn’t have booked a holiday because you don’t know how you’ll feel after the birth and whether your baby will be easy or not.

I was thinking the same thing as the previous poster and would block her too. Surely this isn’t normal behaviour and she should be on medication? If she suffers from paranoia and depression it needs to be addressed. The baby isn’t even born yet.

I think the way your husband is dealing with her sounds perfect. Just let him sort it out- he’s the expert!

@Zanatdy thats the thing, it’s nice someone wants to be involved and help us but it has to be on our terms and to suit the baby and us. I know that sounds one sided but it can’t be her calling the shots. She is busy 6 out of 7 days a week so I’m wondering if it’ll all come out in the wash, like she’ll realise she’s too tired anyway.

Blocking her doesn’t seem the right call when I see her about once every two weeks, I feel it’s a bit rash. I’d rather confront her if she speaks to me about it than ghost the situation.

You'll need to be direct with her.

"Mil please stop sending me these messages about dh, this is between the two of you and it is stressing me out. If you carry on I will block your number and that would be a real shame as you then won't get to hear any updates about the baby"

"Mil I'm not having a hypothetical argument with you about future babysitting. I am sure you will have plenty of involvement with your grandchildren but only if you stop all this hysterical grabby nonsense before they are even born"

When I received messages which caused a reaction like this in me, I put that person on mute and didn’t read any of the messages. I then asked my partner to kindly periodically check and respond on my behalf but not tell me anything about it. If you can be disinclined enough not to look and trust them to send reasonable short replies then I can strongly recommend you outsource this! You must focus on yourself and baby

Yes something along these lines @WonderingWanda thank you :)

I have heard some first time grandparents can go loopy so I’m trying to be compassionate but firm.

If you think she can change then you can address it with her, but if she’s stuck in her ways or if this is a short term issue due to pregnancy then I would try to outsource it to manage it for the moment!

I think experience tells us all that this won’t go away when baby is born, the likelihood is it will get worse. All communication through your DH from now on. You can be friendly when you see her but there is no need for her to be messaging you directly like this. Be firm now, you’ll definitely not want all this drama when baby is here!

@KellyJonesLeatherTrousers i don’t think I’ll have the same patience for it when baby is here either! Like I’ll probably lose the plot 🤣

If you can’t block her then mute her and reply once a day with something like - ‘Sorry - busy day, Sheila’, and then write something really long and boring about swollen ankles (you can get Chat GPT to help you). Don’t address ANYTHING she moans about. The next night do a massive message about indigestion. You can even tell her you’ve written a poem about it and then get Chat GPT to write a really long poem about indigestion, and so on and so forth. She’s making everything about her - so break the cycle and make everything about you. She’ll get bored quickly. If she asks you to intervene with your DH just blithely say, ‘Oh I have bigger things to worry about, Sheila. I’ll just let you two sort that out between you’, and then ignore any follow ups - talk about some pregnancy ailment instead. This time IS about you. Don’t let anyone else ruin it or take away your power.

Are you talking about a baby who is due to be born next May?

Thanks @MayaPinion towards the end, I only focused on the parts of her message unrelated to the argument. She then stopped so this might be a tactic. It’s difficult because we live close to both sets of parents and everyone sees each other at one of the million bday parties or occasions etc, it’s very enmeshed :/

@beccahamlet not May, no.

Couldn't agree with this more.

Please send a poem about indigestion! 😂

The baby will be 7 months old in December?

I think it's Dec 2026, baby not born yet.

This is brilliant! Just answer back with long, rambling message about boring stuff 😅

Does she have anything else going on in her life? Seems overly focussed on you and the baby. Good luck and try to keep busy. Maybe mute her texts or have less phone time so you’re not thinking about it so much.

Move away! This will only get worse.

@landlordhell no she doesn’t have any friends or family, it’s really just us and all of my family. This is a problem too tbh.

We’ve been looking at houses as we’ve considered moving away to a better area anyway.

Also yes baby not born yet!