MIL is beginning to unravel and baby isn’t here yet

[Motherhoodpending]

My MIL unfortunately has a history of depression and can get quite paranoid.

She found out I’d asked my own mum to babysit for a wedding in December when baby will be 7 months old. She started calling my husband to ask why she hadn’t been asked instead days after and was obviously annoyed. She heard we were going on holiday with the baby and she kept asking to be invited and my husband had to keep saying no.

Then my husband and her had an argument and she started to message me about my husband, insulting him etc. I didn’t know what to reply and my pregnancy has been really difficult so I don’t have the energy for it. I kept my replies minimal and she kept sending rambling messages about him.

They then had an argument face to face.

All this drama is just making me anxious but I know she’s not the type to pander to. I’m not sure how to approach both situations when they’re brought up to me? My husband has dealt with it and was annoyed she messaged me but it’s more if she tries to involve me or brings it up when I next see her. AIBU to need advice on how to deal with this?

Your H needs to explain all that. I'm not excusing your MiL, as she is behaving very badly, but paternal GPs do often get relegated into the 'junior' GP role. People hotly deny this, but its absolutely a pattern arising from greater trust by mums for their own mums than their MiLs, and mums typically having the say where the DC are concerned.
Some paternal GM accept this with good grace and understanding. Others don't and there follows a life time of push and pull and (not entirely unreasonable) jealousy.
I think this could be helped with honesty with the paternal GM from the get go rather than it being the elephant in the room with people pretending to be 'equal' and then blaming the paternal GM when she's upset when it clearly isn't.
Clearly you are doing your best to be inclusive of your MiL, but she sounds rather unstable. In which case you may not ever feel comfortable with allowing her her 'turn'. Your H needs a calm talk with her where he sets out her role and takes responsibility himself for that.

Why aren’t you going to let your MIL babysit once your child arrives?

I have a Mil who would like have been a complete nightmare if we'd had kids...so lots of empathy. Put yourself & the baby first.

But to me, this sounds more like she's heading for a MH crisis. Which does require proper intervention, if she does spiral out of control.

Lots of robust signposting to MH services would probably be my suggestion to your DH.

I say that as someone who's family ignore this & just are all basically batshit. You can only do what's in your control.

@harriethoyle I just don’t know how I’ll feel until baby is here. I think I’ll be fine when the baby is older but in the first year I just don’t want to make any promises and think DH will end up being with her as he’s off with me.

Yes I know exactly what you mean in terms of there are good qualities too.

If it offers you any reassurance, we found pregnancy and ‘firsts’/big ticket occasions sparked stuff like this. Sometimes a bit of trying to get control & sometimes a bit competitive and overly interested in what my mum does/will be doing for DD’s birthday/how often we see her etc. The rest of the time is quite uneventful though.

DD1 is 4 now and we haven’t had any actual fall outs. I expect as time passes and your MIL feels a bit more secure or the novelty wears off things will calm down a bit, especially if this is her first GC.

If your baby will only be 7 months old next December you must only be a few months pregnant. This is all too much, too far in the future.

Pacify her with non-committals and 'we'll think about it nearer the time' and move on. A year is a long time.

how is it not May if the baby will be 7 months in December?

Love this!

I’m due end of April so maybe I’ve miscalculated the months lol