MIL is beginning to unravel and baby isn’t here yet

[Motherhoodpending]

My MIL unfortunately has a history of depression and can get quite paranoid.

She found out I’d asked my own mum to babysit for a wedding in December when baby will be 7 months old. She started calling my husband to ask why she hadn’t been asked instead days after and was obviously annoyed. She heard we were going on holiday with the baby and she kept asking to be invited and my husband had to keep saying no.

Then my husband and her had an argument and she started to message me about my husband, insulting him etc. I didn’t know what to reply and my pregnancy has been really difficult so I don’t have the energy for it. I kept my replies minimal and she kept sending rambling messages about him.

They then had an argument face to face.

All this drama is just making me anxious but I know she’s not the type to pander to. I’m not sure how to approach both situations when they’re brought up to me? My husband has dealt with it and was annoyed she messaged me but it’s more if she tries to involve me or brings it up when I next see her. AIBU to need advice on how to deal with this?

The way you’ve described her - I wouldn’t ever be letting her look after my child and I am relatively relaxed about these things. There is something off there.

Reply once telling her that it’s between her and him, then don’t reply again. If you get more texts, skim read them to check there’s no important unrelated info in them, then delete. You don’t have to get involved with this.

This is genius - I love it

@Aimtodobetter i have no plans to let her babysit on her own, my DH would just take the baby and they could spend a day the 3 of them. So it’s not like she wouldn’t see the baby or be involved if you see what I mean.

Why do you see her so frequently when she harasses you like this? Stop visiting her and block her. Your husband can visit her if he wants to.

Agree with PP, just either ignore her message and if asked about it, say you were busy or just simply say ‘I think you better speak to my husband about this’.

My wife’s mum has some MH issues and can cause problems sometimes. It started when I sent a scan pic of our first baby in the group chat, it was just an extra scan we had at the IVF clinic & she messaged me saying I should have sent it to her first. I just told my wife to deal with it & she messaged her and said firmly not to try & control the situation. Don’t dive in with a threat but your husband needs to be willing to say she won’t have a relationship with the baby if these shinnanegans carry on.

For your own sanity, just remember it’s not your issue to deal with & if it was your mum you wouldn’t expect your husband to deal with it. Shame for your husband though but it’s 100% best not to get involved in these things when they’re deep rooted.

@Namechangedconfession because I value family and my husband sees my parents and I’d be pretty upset if he blocked my mum because she messaged him. He’s spoken to her, I’ll give her the chance to not message me again before I block her.

@Btowngirl thank you. This sounds a bit similar to what she’s like, and I think she tries to control the situation too. My husband said that’s his next port of call if she starts anything. I really don’t want it to get to that point but I suppose that’s up to her! Thanks for your reply x

Honestly my MIL has said wild things over the years but if there is 1 thing she won’t do, it’s risk not seeing our DD’s. It’s horrible to put it like this, but do remember you are the one with the power (DGC) and she knows it, hence this struggle for a regain on her part. I’d be so shocked if she pushed it so far you actually had to go no contact. You sound like a nice daughter in law for her to have though, try not to let it impact your pregnancy and MAT leave xx

@Btowngirl thanks, I definitely try and meet it with some compassion but I think I need to be firm too. There have been things we’ve forgiven over the years but my DH says he will tell her he can’t have her around the baby if she’s unstable so she needs to sort herself out. I think that will give her a wake up call. She has good traits and there’s been times when I’ve struggled and she’s been there for me so it isn’t just black and white as I’m sure you’ll know if you deal with someone similar! X

How did she find out ?don't let her find out

When you have the baby you must put your self first

@SatsumaCandlesCloves my DH slipped up and mentioned that we’d been invited to a wedding, then she asked about the baby. We normally keep things to ourselves! However, she then finds out anyway after they happen because someone posts a photo and then thinks we’ve kept a secret. So you can’t win really.

Who posts a photo !
He or you need to say her bahaviour is making you feel sick and you won't tolerate it when the baby is here.

And don't let people post pics I had to cut everyone off my FB at times when I wanted to keep things diacreet

@SatsumaCandlesCloves just whoever is getting married/at a party/an event. If it’s a bigger thing it’s difficult to dodge the photos! No wonder, the obsession with posting pics on fb is so annoying so I see why it irritates you when trying to be subtle.

Yeah I’m going to tell DH to say she needs to sort herself out because we aren’t dealing with her when baby arrives if she’s like this.

Reply honestly, that her messages are stressing you out and that your priority is looking after yourself and baby, so you'd appreciate it if she doesn't drag you into conflict.

Say you look forward to her meeting baby and suggest that if she can keep interactions light hearted, positive and supportive it will be appreciated, and reciprocated, but that if anyone becomes a source of unnecessary stress, you will step away for your / future babies peace and wellbeing.

Is the lack of friends and family due to her own behaviour?

I would just tell her that the more she messages you trying to stake her claim to your baby, the less likely it is that you will ever feel comfortable leaving your baby with her and, if these messages continue, you will have no other option but to block her as it is affecting your mental and physical health.

Absolutely this. My first thought upon reading the thread tbh.
OP, you valuing the family is great but when it doesn't reciprocate you just need to stop putting effort either.

I like this idea actually. She’s making it all about her, and needs to be reminded it isn’t! I’d then just send a ‘you need to speak to your son’ message on repeat, and ignore.

A pp suggestion of long boring rambling replies is bloody brilliant,

also non commital "hmmm I can see it's very hard for you both. He's been wonderful this morning, and have you seen the weather?" Etc

Sympathies OP. With your baby due in May (you said they'll be 7mths next Xmas?) to be getting this so early in your pregnancy must be very troubling for the months ahead.

The advice to either mute and let dh respond to the messages, or just telling her to speak to dh and drone on about boring pregnancy stuff are the way ahead. Your dh seems to be doing OK handling it.

If you can sort it at this stage, the 2nd and 3rd trimesters should be much better.

Your DH needs to tell her that she is jeopardising yours and the baby's health and it must stop or she will not be involved with the baby. It's pointless of her being jealous of your DM, she will have her turn if she behaves.

I was lucky enough to have 4 involved DGPs and probably at times they may have been a little jealous but I loved them equally and my DF really tried to share me equally with them.

Did your H explain to his mum why you both asked your mum to babysit and not her? Because if this is going to be the pattern of how you treat the two grandmothers for whatever reason, I think he'd do better making that clear from the start. Get him to explain why she was not your choice whatever that reason was, and she will know where she stands going forward. She will no doubt not like it, but at least it establishes boundaries and manages her expectations.

@5128gap the irony of it is that my mum was going to tell her to come round and they’d both get food in and watch the baby, but she got annoyed before she even had a chance to say anything, and now she feels it’ll look like she’s only asking because of how she’s feeling about it. The only reason we asked my mum was because we were round at her house when we got the invite via email and I said oh it’s in December and no kids and my mum said she can sit round with the baby at ours and I said great. It really wasn’t very thought out.

My mum was like this. Let your DH deal with her. Dont even try to rationalise with her. She is being irrational and you will make matters worse, believe me.