DD going for a sleepover

[ErasLara]

DD is 7, she is in Y3 and this year they have started sleep overs. The first sleep over was in September and my very close friend hosted the 4 girls, I trust her and would say she is a friend who is let babysit DD anyway. In October I hosted, during half term, only 3 of the girls as one was on holiday. Now this Saturday the next girl is meant to be hosting, her dad is a single dad, widowed. He seems nice enough, he was more present at school drop and pick up in Y1-2 but I think he’s gone back to work full time this year so I never actually see him in person. DD has been for play dates with this girl without me, but this has felt a little different as every time it’s been a day out, or once she was invited to a BBQ where they had a bouncy castle etc.
Anyway I’m suddenly feeling a bit uneasy about DD being there overnight. I know I shouldn’t be bothered by the fact he is a single dad, and I know the odds are extremely low that anything untoward would happen but I do think I feel more comfortable when there is a woman in the house. Mainly just in case DD were to have an accident and need help changing or something. I know it shouldn’t matter but I can’t seem to shake the feeling.
AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about letting DD go?

I kind of get it, but his daughter shouldn't miss out because of the parental situation. You have no evidence of anything other than he's a man, which I think you get by the sounds of it.

7 is still young for sleepovers, my child is the same age and to be honest sleepovers aren't really a thing yet but I wouldn't feel comfortable yet unless family or very close friend. Is she ok staying out? Quite sensible?

I think if you can't get over it you could maybe suggest going over for everything and letting her 'stay up late', then picking her up if that was a feasible option. Just say she's worried about sleeping over but wants to still come if that feels better? Although she might have different ideas!!

DD is quite excited about going, I think it would be hard to swing it as “she doesn’t like staying out” as she has already done it.
I agree 7 is young but we decided as a group of parents to start now as they have a 2 night residential in May and we didn’t want that to be there first time away from home without a family member.
If I decide not to send DD, DH and Is plan is to go with we need to go and visit nanny and grandad as they need help with something in the house, and just telling the dad we’ve had a bit of a family crisis.

Does she often wet herself ?
or suffer from upset tummies meaning she has to change her underwear ?

Otherwise you are overthinking it with the ' having an accident ' and needing to change herself.

Does she not get herself dressed in the morning ?

I think it would be more reasonable to say you wouldn't send her to any home with an adolescent or adult male in it than to say a woman needs to be there. If you're thinking about abuse, plenty of women enable or just don't know they live with an abuser, it's not really a protective factor. Pretty unfair to decide a dad with a wife is safe but a widowed dad isn't.

I don't think your logic about her needing help changing really stands up to scrutiny. Presumably she can usually manage that herself at 7, and if not he must help his own daughter all the time so it wouldn't be a big deal.

Way too young for sleepovers.

If your DD has been for playdates with her friend and is excited to go on this sleepover it sounds as though she is very comfortable with there just being a Dad in her friend's home.

I think it would be really sad for the little girl who has already had to deal with losing her Mum if her friends aren't allowed to come to her home for sleepovers.

Sensible re residential to prepare, I do get where your coming from but you know it's unfounded to think it as your thinking of excuses!!! Would meeting up pre sleepover with the dad help?

My husband does loads of playdates etc without me in the home due to my working hours, I'd be devastated and so would he if any of the other mums thought this about him purely being a man!

Is more than one child going for the sleepover, will the girls all be in the same room? Does your DD have a safe word she can say on the phone which means she wants you to come (for all sleepovers not just this one).

If she's unhappy with anything surely she could say to the guy she wants to go home. Tell him in advance and be prepared.

The little girl has lost her Mum, she died. The Dad didn't even choose to be a single Dad, I think you're being very unreasonable & ridiculous. He's part of the 'parents who decided to start sleepovers' imagine what you'd all be saying if he didn't take his turn!!

I bet he's so sad his wife isn't here, also doing these firsts with their daughter,

don't make their life even more sad.

So who collects /looks after this girl now dad back at work ?

im guessing all are in the same room so ‘safer’ that way - plus the point of a sleepover

im sure the girl is really looking forward to her turn at hosting - very sad her mum has died - guessing been dead least 2yrs If dad was about a lot in yr 1&2

if you trust him enough for dd to go there for play dates alone then same trust should be had for sleepover

you could casually mention if he has adult back up - make it about you and say 4 girls drove me mad - good luck alone

unusual to go away in yr 3 for 2 nights.

usually a night or two in yr 5 and residential in yr 6 which is 4/5 days

It’s an independent school so they are very big on residential trips. 2 nights in Y3 and Y4, 4 nights in Y5, a ski trip in Y6 with another school and 4 nights leavers trip.

The dad still collects his daughter I assume, but he must now use the breakfast club and after school club, which I don’t.

All of the details here really don't matter to me

My 7 year old wouldn't be going on a sleepover. Not a chance

Im pretty chilled and not one to overly worry about SA. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t with anyone at 7 where I wasn’t friends with the parents. Mine is 8 and only stayed when granny and aunty/uncle. I am now friends with some school mums and dads I would if my son was keen. Our go on a residential this year but I think most people think prep with wider family / family friends would be enough.
trickier as they get older for sure. I’d probably try to get to know the dad a bit but easier said than done and no guarantees but they would be older at least

Can I ask why you would be so against any sleepovers?
DD has a residential this year which is 2 nights so we are trying to get all the girls used to sleeping away where they are only a few minutes down the road if we need to go and get them in the hopes it will make the school residential easier.
Would you not let your child on the residential either?

Same!!! I would not be sending my 7 year old on a sleep over regardless with who and it's very early for schools to take them away!
It makes no sense at all to be worried about the widowed father and your child being there to the other parents or the school staff! No one really knows anyone and in this day and age most SA is from someone the child knows even people in roles of authority or who children should be able to trust.

If the conversation was initially had with this dad included to prepare the girls for the residential then why is it only an issue now?

There’s not a chance in hell my 7 year old would be going on sleepovers. Just no. Way too young.

It’s a difficult one OP as you don’t want your daughter to miss out or to make the other child feel ‘different’

I think I would ask a few questions about where the girls are sleeping, teach my daughter a safe word and make sure she’s got a charged phone and let her go

Sometimes you get a gut instinct about somebody, is that what’s happened? Or, is this unfounded anxiety?

In the nicest way, the safety and happiness of my children always comes first, it’s desperately sad that the little girl has lost her mum but if something is spiking your motherly instincts, listen to them.

You could ask if you could nip round to speak to him as your feeling a little nervous about her staying due to ‘accidents’? Could it be you’ve not seen him in a while and you’ve lost your confidence in him?

I would be honest tho and say you’re uncomfortable with her staying over at the moment instead of lying. It will be obvious and when the inevitable subsequent sleepover happens, what will you say then?

7 is on the younger side but not ridiculously so, i would have to be 110% sure tho! It’s difficult because which 7 year old has a phone, and can recognise an escalating situation to use it. You’re more likely to get a home sick call in the night.

No I wouldn’t say it’s a gut instinct, I think it’s just unfounded anxiety (probably as we consume so much media these days that I feel disproportionately exposed to negative news and therefore assume the worst in every situation even without any reason to).
He seems like a nice man, keeps himself to himself but is an involved parent, his daughter seems like a happy, outgoing, confident little girl.

All the girls will be in his daughters bedroom, apparently 2 girls will have camping beds, the other 2 will share his daughters double bed.

DD is excited to go, I just wish I could shake the feeling.

For her first sleep over at my friends house her husband wasn’t there and DH just reminded me of this (he’d taken my friends son to a football match over that weekend which was why she offered to host) so now I’m not sure if my issue is with this being a single dad or with men in general.

I’m a little surprised how many people are saying no sleep overs at all at 7. Both school and brownies start residential trips at this age, do you not allow your children to go on them? Surely it’s better to trial run when they are two streets away and in a house they’ve already been to etc. than waiting for the residential where they will be in a brand new place, 2 hours away for double the amount of time?

My daughter has a rainbows sleepover this weekend. The girls are 5-7. Next year my daughter will be 7 and has a 2 night brownie sleepover... I'm surprised by how many say it's absolutely too young?

I don’t think it’s too young, it depends on the child. My DD wasn’t ready till more like 10 years, she’s a home bird like me.

It’s such a tricky decision, and I really respect you for thinking it through properly.

At 7 I wouldn’t worry about the changing thing. If she does need help getting changed she’s unlikely to feel especially uncomfortable with a man doing it if she’s used to her dad helping her, and he presumably is used to doing this for his own daughter. Plus you’re only a few minutes away.

Statistically men are far more likely to be abusive than women, and there is therefore factually more of a risk of abuse in this situation than in the previous sleepover. However, that needs to be balanced by the fact that he hasn’t engineered the situation (he’s a single parent, not a dad purposely hosting a sleepover when his wife is away), that previous play dates have gone well, and that he seems to be parenting well (girl is happy and secure).

One of my daughters close friends has a single dad and I do let her go over for sleepovers etc. She is a bit older though at 10.

I said no to a sleep over for my son at a similar age. I didn't know the whole family well enough to be comfortable at the time.
I was very happy for him to do the beaver ones as I knew there was safeguarding in place. I had built a relationship with the leaders and they were not 2 hours away - but at the hut or a local camp site. So any issues and I could get there.
(By the time my youngest was 7 I was happy for him to go to sleep overs!! Lol.)