DD going for a sleepover

[ErasLara]

DD is 7, she is in Y3 and this year they have started sleep overs. The first sleep over was in September and my very close friend hosted the 4 girls, I trust her and would say she is a friend who is let babysit DD anyway. In October I hosted, during half term, only 3 of the girls as one was on holiday. Now this Saturday the next girl is meant to be hosting, her dad is a single dad, widowed. He seems nice enough, he was more present at school drop and pick up in Y1-2 but I think he’s gone back to work full time this year so I never actually see him in person. DD has been for play dates with this girl without me, but this has felt a little different as every time it’s been a day out, or once she was invited to a BBQ where they had a bouncy castle etc.
Anyway I’m suddenly feeling a bit uneasy about DD being there overnight. I know I shouldn’t be bothered by the fact he is a single dad, and I know the odds are extremely low that anything untoward would happen but I do think I feel more comfortable when there is a woman in the house. Mainly just in case DD were to have an accident and need help changing or something. I know it shouldn’t matter but I can’t seem to shake the feeling.
AIBU to feel a bit uneasy about letting DD go?

My dc had sleepovers at this age. It’s not too young it’s the age they want sleepovers and they’re fun! I think you’re overthinking

Maybe see if you can at least call the Dad for a chat first? Also stress to him many times that if your dd is unwell or needs changing for whatever reason you are more than happy to come and collect her.

The most stressful sleepover I ever hosted was when one of the 8 year old guests fell ill and was crying for her mum (she had gastro and couldn’t stop vomiting) and I could not contact her parents. They had decided to go to another town for the night and went to see a band so didn’t look at their phones!!

The next day they called the next morning as they were leaving - but it put me off hosting sleepovers for a while!

Given that most CSA is committed by relatives including fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers, uncles, brothers etc, those allowing sleepovers with family are likely taking higher risks than those allowing with friends. Family members are more likely to be automatically trustworthy to kids.

To me, 7 is plenty old enough to be starting sleepovers. Mine started in Y1. The older one even did an occasional one on the same street from Reception. And they went on residential from Y2. This would have been in 2013, not some ancient point in history!

I'm with those that say let her go and try not to worry. There will be 4 of them there and they have already done 2 sleepovers and been fine. I think you are very sensible starting to do this to prepare them.

Suprised at all the comments that 'its too young' I run a Rainbows group for girls aged 5-7 and we do overnight sleepovers and 1 night trips. Our last one had 18 out of 24 girls in our group join. Of the 6 that didn't, 3 were due to their school doing a dance performance the same weekend. My daughter has had friends to sleepover from her 8th birthday party.

My kids didn’t have sleepovers til they were 11! I think 7 is too young. I would be more protective of girls too, rightly or wrongly. And there’s usually a man in the other house too, so whether he’s single or not doesn’t mean diddly squat.

Our school isn't even independent and they do it in year 2.

I think it's obviously up to you but I think the situation on there being 4 girls there would generally make it a bit safer.

I was having regular sleepovers at that age - no single dads but lots of sleepovers where the mum was working or out and dad did the primary care.

I can’t see an issue with her going, but MN is very anti sleepover which isn’t something that I see in real life at all.

My kids loved sleepovers. My younger 2 were doing them from 3/4 with family friends. All on residential trips with their youth group from 6.

No. No sleepovers full stop at that age.

I wouldn’t do sleepovers at 7 and I know people are saying scouts and rainbows etc do residentials, but they are dbs checked and in larger groups for safeguarding. If you knew this swapping the sleepover was planned then I would have been upfront with the dad and invited him to dinner to get to know him before letting it get this far. Maybe try that moving forward and be supportive of him as a widower it must be so much harder!

I didn't do sleepovers at that age but that's not the question here. If you've allowed sleepovers in other scenarios and are keen to encourage them I think you need to let this one go ahead. This poor family has been through enough without being ostracised and it's a group sleepover all in one room which is the safest version of any of this.

Unless you are making a blanket ban on sleepovers in all scenarios but you aren't planning on that - just this one person because he happens to have had a family tragedy. That's definitely an anxiety problem, not a fair reaction.

Does your daughter have a phone/watch to contact you? Personally I wouldn't let my kids have sleepovers at friends (we had a couple at family friends but that was different - we don't have actual family where we live) until they had an independent way to contact us in case they wanted to come home. My daughter has always struggled with anxiety though so perhaps most kids don't need this.

ah makes more sense then with sleepovers

wow at skiing. Guess cost isn’t an issue

our trip is 600 for 4 nights Devon in yr 6

i mentioned in on another thread and many said how insane that money was and theirs was 200

horses for courses as my dear mummy would say (rip)

so is your issue @ErasLara the fact he’s a man

1st sleepover dad was at football
2nd yours
3rd this man’s

how would you feel if the other parents said no to their kids staying as your dh was there ?

I don’t have issues with 7yr and sleepovers if the child theirselves is happy

mini blondes 8 had her bestie over for a sleepover the other weekend. A Christmas one - yes in November 😂

she also stays at her besties house. We have had cousin sleepovers as well

do you have a spare phone/ipad she can take with her or get a cheap payg so she can text you if need be

but sounds like she is happy but you are the wary one

Make sure you have convo with dd things like pants rule - no adult should be touching anything below her clothes.

Getting change in privacy not infront of an adult.

Give her a set sentence to say if she wants to come home to say - 'I feel sick, please ring my mum and dad' and tell the parent you will pick dd straight away

This girl has lost her mum. Friends not being allowed due to her not having a mum there makes it even worse for her and punishes her.

I do get your concerns but I would allow it

Ffs! No wonder kids are so anxious nowadays!

I can definitely tell some mums in my daughters class would feel awkward if they found out it was just me home for a playdate so we avoid putting parents in that position which I hate because it means it all falls on my wife and also the playdates are great craic.

I get it TBH even if it's a bit shit.

I am a hard "no" to sleepovers unless I know the parents very well.

Being a single dad does statistically increase the risk, but I'd still say "no" even if it was a woman or couple I knew less well.

I'd tell the parent, explain that it's not because he's a man, but because you don't know him very well. Anyone with any decency would understand, and if he doesn't get why you want to safeguard your child, then its even more reason not to leave her with him.

and how will getting to know him disprove to op that he's not a paedophile? she isn't concerned about his parenting skills, just that he's joined the sleepover group so he can predate on their children.

op you've trusted him to look after her for playdates, they're all sleeping together, she's old enough to not need any assistance dressing and undressing, presumably at 7 you've already done the PANTS talk. and like others have said, she's at less risk statistically from him than a male relative

and how will getting to know him disprove to op that he's not a paedophile? she isn't concerned about his parenting skills, just that he's joined the sleepover group so he can predate on their children.

op you've trusted him to look after her for playdates, they're all sleeping together, she's old enough to not need any assistance dressing and undressing, presumably at 7 you've already done the PANTS talk. and like others have said, she's at less risk statistically from him than a male relative

If she had an accident at school, how would you expect her to cope? At ours they tell an adult who can give them clean clothes, a bag for their dirty clothes, wet wipes and suggest they dry themself off with tissues - you can pre-empt this by sending DD with extras - obviously if it's at night though, she'd need to tell her friend's Dad as she may need clean bedding. Reception age often need help, but after that many take it in their stride.

If you've met him and have no reservations, I think you have to treat him the same as if it were a mother - after all how do you know you can totally trust another female!

Personally my 7 year old boy wouldn’t be staying anywhere other than my parents house for a sleep over. I know far too many adults who were abused as children, most of these children were in a house with a female present (not saying the female was involved but it happened in another room etc). I think your reasoning that you would be comfortable if a female was present is totally wrong. You either happy for her to have sleep overs in other peoples houses or you aren’t.

A single dad isn’t more likely to be a predator than a married one, particularly one whose wife has died and hasn’t chosen to be single.

There was another recent thread on here about sleepovers, and within two pages about four people said they experienced some level of assault as a child at a sleepover.

Statistically, in each class around 10% of the children will experience SA. That's three in every 30. I personally will not let my child sleep at friends' houses for this reason. I'd rather she miss out that be put as risk, and this goes for male/female households too.

Not a chance in hell I’d let my 7 yo have a sleepover with a man or woman id never met or don’t know well. I also wouldn’t be sending her for unaccompanied play dates at this age unless I knew the family/house etc well. They could have a dangerous dog or a drug problem or anything!

My ds was doing sleepovers age 7 and we were hosting in return. He was mature and sensible for his age but he and his friends all absolutely loved them at that age and it's a big bonding /social activity. Tbh, sleepovers pretty much fade out around the age of 11/12 so those not allowed to go to sleepovers until they're 10 plus don't have an awful lot of time left to enjoy them. Sleepovers are a rite of passage.
Op, I'm sure your dd will have a lovely time and good on the dad for making the effort.