18 yr old daughter is driving me crazy

[heli07]

Hello all, I’m really desperate some advice, I’m a single mum, living with my 18 yr old daughter.

Well I have literally brought her up myself, as my ex husband was not involved with her upbringing to the age of 12, when he left and then never paid any maintenance and had no contact with her at all.

we both worked full time, I worked nights and took on all care of her, she has always relied on me and I love her completely.

Now she is 18, at college for one year taking another course after a levels (which is fine) , but I am 50 years old, still working 48 hours a week on night shifts.

My daughter, despite being asked to tidy behind herself, and as an adult now to contribute to cleaning the house that I struggle to pay for us both as it is rented, I’ve had conversations with her about keeping it tidy, and doing her fair share of chores but it goes in one ear and out another.

im so stressed and exhausted, I’m trying to hold everything together and provide for us both while working 12 hour shifts, my daughter has a college course that is only 20 hours a week and will only help after continued nagging and begging.

i will come home and find everything a mess, we have had talks about sharing the house work but I am ignored, I’m so exhausted!

obviously I rent the house as a 2 bed and it costs more for me, as I could rent a room or a studio and cope on my wages as rents are high here, I’ve explained all of this to her and never expect her to contribute to rent as long as she is bettering herself, so am happy to support her as long as she is in college.

i just feel completely taken advantage of and exhausted by long hours, that coming home and explaining, begging and pleading for her to clean up after herself, do her own laundry at least is ignored.

Her dad dropped her completely at age 12, as he met another woman and refused to give contact details, so i feel guilty about that, but she shows no signs of wanting to be independent.

i have probably made alot of mistakes, but have always tried to teach her work ethics, she has never looked for, despite encouragement, a part time job, and I don’t know what she has planned after this one year college course!

Leave a list of daily chores you expect her to do. Do you give her money? If she doesn’t help, she doesn’t get any. Don’t get in to an argument just state the facts and walk away.

Have you ever got really angry with her about it? Like raging?

If you haven't, maybe it's time. At the moment she just sees you coping. Doing what you've always done. If she doesn't tidy up or share the housework, it doesn't really matter because you come along and do it anyway.

I'd get really fucking angry. And in the aftermath have a calmer conversation where you lay it out. What do you need her to do? Unfortunately I think you need to make it easy in the sense that you cant just say chip in, you'll have to be specific. So on a Monday can you please do x. Everyday before college you need to do y.

And then explain the consequences. She'll soon cop on when she has no clean knickers. Or you dont pay for her phone. Or drop her off.

Sympathies. This age can be brutal.

While Yanbu I think it will help to remember that at this age, she is a legal adult but her brain isn't fully matured. It's a gradual process ;in many ways she is still a kid.

I do agree with linking rewards to behaviour though - if she doesn't tidy, then she doesn't get given any money. Stop making life too easy.

Sod giving her money for chores - She's 18 she needs to have a part time job. Stop payimg for stuff for her! Once her course is finished then she needs to pay rent - you're running yourself into the ground trying to support 2 adults.

Sit her down and explain how exhausted you are. Put a list of chores on the fridge that she can refer to. If its not done then they'll be no clean clothes/dinner/,whatever.

She’s got it way too easy at the moment. A course for 20 hours is barely anything, she needs a part time job. I would charge her rent and it comes out of anything you give her eg pocket money, until she gets a job. It’s completely unacceptable that she does nothing and leaves the house a mess.
you also need to refuse to do anything for her as she’s totally being lazy and disrespectful. So no more laundry, cooking, etc. can you also turn off the wifi before you go to work? Hopefully you’re not paying for her to have a ton of data on her phone . If you are you should change it to a more basic (cheaper) contract.

Is there anything you do that only impacts her? Likely her laundry or cooking her meals? If so you stop. If she's leaving a mess around the place everything that's hers just gets chucked into a box - her shoes, her make up bag, her ipad, her dirty favourite mug, her half eaten bag of crisps. At least that way you're minimising time dealing with her mess.

Do you generally have a good relationship? She sounds spoilt and uncaring but is probably just oblivious and remaining in her role as a child.

I agree that getting raging angry might snap her out of it, it sounds like she's used to nagging and can tune it out.

I'd be trying to have a grown up conversation about the costs. Look into the costs of a 1-bed including reduced utility bills and council tax so you can show her the comparison.

Tell her you are knackered due to all the hours you work and clean. If she won't do her share of cleaning you will need to cut back your hours. So you plan to downsize to a 1-bed and she has sofa bed in the livingroom. Or she could pull her weight then you could continue to work.

on a side note, nights are hard. They might pay more but for me they come at a price for your health.. can you switch out of them? I did them, and used to wake up crying, simply cause I was at the wrong end of the day..

Can you stop doing her laundry? That will make sure she does it. If she only has 20 hours a week of college she needs to get a part time job and start contributing financially.

18 is certainly old enough to know that she should be cleaning up after herself and helping with the household chores ! None of this nonsense that she’s still a kid . Heavens above parents are encouraged to teach their four or five-year-olds to help clean up so why can’t an 18 year old ! She should also be getting a job . And certainly no pocket money as a reward for what she should be doing.

It’s hard if it’s not something you’ve gradually raised her to do, she won’t magically spawn into a tidier with good budgeting skills on her 18th birthday. If she’s not been taught with expectations set. You’re going to have to set the expectations now and be firm about them, and I agree with an op, you might have to go batshit to get her to listen if she’s going to be that obtuse!

Very surprised at all the people telling you to "rage" at her. That's absolutely insane, and won't help anything at all. Dont rage at anyone - child or adult, or adult child. Just because it's your own child doesn't mean it's okay to "rage" at them! Jesus.

If you can't afford the rent very well, see if you can get help from universal credit. You won't have any non-dependants deductions from the housing benefit part of it due to her being under 21. As she's under 20 and still in education, you'll get the child element also. You won't get all of it due to deductions because of your wages, but you might get a bit.

If you can't afford it at all, find a 1 bed place and tell her she needs to, too.

If you can afford it, then that's that. You affording her shelter has nothing to do with her not tidying up. The two are unrelated. Shelter is a basic human need. That's mad power-trip parent logic, you don't make your kid homeless or threaten it because they're messy. Dangerous and violent yes, perhaps, but not messy. You chose to give birth to her, parenting is not just 18 years and then done (unless you're fine being a rubbish parent I suppose, you can do what you like, like Dad did).

Don't tidy up after her. Tidy your own mess. If she's messing up your areas, tell her she's not allowed in them due to the mess she makes. Get locks for your private areas if needs be. If it's a shared area that you don't want to lock off I.e living room... Well, sorry, that's called sharing. We don't always get our own way when we share. Might be messy if she doesn't tidy it and you don't want to either. Don't do her laundry just because she hasn't - she'll do it if she wants to.

Feel for you, as I'd hate to live with someone messing up the place, but that's why I'm not having kids. Toddler, teen, or adult, they're another human being that you have to share with and you don't get to choose their personalities like you can a partner. And you shouldn't be "raging" at them either, that's insane.

This is a very difficult phase op. She will start to shape up better in a couple of years but it’s a bit of a nightmare in the meantime. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s anything personal; it’s her age!

The truth is that an eighteen year old’s priorities are very different to our own and she doesn’t yet have the maturity to understand all that you do for her every day and how hard it is.

I tried being nice, being strict, withdrawing Wi-Fi to get my dds to do their chores and it caused a bad atmosphere in the house and worked only to a very small degree. It’s absolutely infuriating and exhausting when you are doing long hours!

The only thing that made them grow up was moving out to uni and living on their own and they were both a hell of a lot more appreciative and hands on when they came back for the holidays!

So I think the better thing is to get her to focus on getting more pt work and/or moving out next September. Explain to her that it’s her choice; she either contributes more effort and money, or she finds her own place.

Obviously stop doing any chores for her like her washing or her room. And stop being available for lifts etc. Stop giving her so much pocket money; if she wants it she has time to earn some!

Switch from you being at home dictating how things run from top down, to parenting alongside her as a fellow adult sharing the same space, so when she asks what’s for dinner, you say I don’t know, it’s your turn to sort it out tonight. Why is there no food in the fridge? I don’t know, I have been working, but the list is on the memo pad and the money is in the jar, why didn’t you go to the shop? I am eating out with friends tonight.

When she has a problem, instead of stepping in and solving it, act curious as to how she is going to resolve it. Start using the sentence, “I’m really interested to know how you will make that work; you have excellent people skills (or creative skills, or maths skills or whatever is appropriate) so I have every faith in your ability to do it”.

Don’t be so available op and focus more on your own life and happiness a bit more; going out and doing stuff that brings you fulfilment in the little free time you have. Being your friends home too so she gets the message that she doesn’t rule the roost. Just be less focused on her.

Remember that you are her role model. She may not appear to be taking anything in, but she is watching you! How you manage your time, your problems, what priority you give to yourself, whether you enjoy your life etc. Set a good example! Have some fun! Show her that being an adult can be enjoyable! But she needs to balance leisure with work.

Don’t let your relationship descend in to a stewing resentment, just state your expectations very clearly and specifically, if they are not fulfilled, let the natural consequences follow.

Can you pick me up from x on Saturday afternoon? No sorry, you didn’t do the chores I asked so I don’t have time. Can I have money for these trainers? No sorry, you need to earn any extras outside of your allowance, for yourself. Here are the chores you can do at home; window cleaning, bathroom cleaning to earn some extra. Or you need to go and find work, I can go with you to deliver your cv to local shops who may need extra help at Christmas if you want?

Also, one thing that worked for us sometimes was I would put music on loud at 10.45 am every other Saturday morning and we would do a 2 hour chore “blast”. Followed by pancakes at our local café.

It’s hard though so I sympathise with your struggles. They can be quite self centred at that age.

Honestly, sometimes you just need to lose your shit to show them you are serious. Conversations and talking about it will have no effect on someone so selfish.

It sounds like you’ve been a soft touch.

Her college course is only 20 hours she could 100% have a part time job working around this. Local supermarkets, pubs etc.

If she isn’t pulling her weight stop funding her life and doing everything for her. Simple.

Phone contact is cancelled, no lifts on request, Netflix cancelled, no specials requests in the food shop.

Also, why didn’t you apply for CMS when her Dad left?

I have a 17 yo dd and I understand where you’re coming from. My dd is given chores to do in exchange for being allowed to do things or have access to money for things. More tricky in the allowed department at 18 perhaps. However, less tricky in the money department.

I would do this in 2 stages. Firstly in the doing stuff at home. That’s easier and less confrontational. Reverse psychology works well at this age. Tell her much you love her and that you realise now that you haven’t taught her all the skills to become an independent adult. Because you love her and you wanted her to have the best childhood you could give her. However you realise that in doing that you’ve done her a disservice and (importantly) apologise for that to get her on side. And say that one day she’s going to want to move out and it will be a lot easier for her if she knows how to cook, wash and iron etc. And that you’d really love to spend a bit of time together so that she learns how to do that.

Start small with things, for example tidying up the kitchen and dishwasher duty every day she’s home, being responsible for emptying her bin, changing her bed sheets and putting all her clothes in the laundry basket to be washed. You’ll need to remind her of things. So sending her a text or whatever asking her if she could do x please, that would be great. Then praising her, thanking her for doing it, telling her how helpful she’s becoming. This is a bit exhausting. But really works…

Then when this is boxed off… and she will still need reminding to do all the stuff you want her to do, do the same thing with the job. This time telling her how well she’s doing and that it would be great if she could work to buy herself some nice stuff or go on holiday with her mates next summer. And it would look fab on her cv etc.

Edited to add - I also agree with the post just above about being less available if she doesn’t do her chores. This all works well wifh my dd.

I disagree with this because both of my girls happily helped with chores between the ages of eight and about 12. We were strict about it and it was ingrained. They each had very specific areas of responsibility. Then adolescence struck and stole my compliant children and temporarily replaced them with spikey uncooperative grumps.

Happily, now they are in their early and mid-twenties, they have returned to being the delightful, helpful thoughtful people they once were, well, more or less! 😄. It’s a phase!

I just don't understand these parents who think just because their child turns 18, it automatically means they're an adult.

Yes legally they are but the magic fairy doesn't cast a spell on their 18th birthday and poof.

It's down to you as the parent to teach them. It sounds more like you're nagging her than teaching her.

If you want her to act like an adult, teach her how to be one. Actions (or in actions) have consequences.

Stop cooking, tidying up etc for her. Wait till she has no clean clothes to wear then she might realise better.

As for paying for a 2 bed room house, I just can't get my head around the thought process of you kicking her out so you can live in a bedsit. That's not a true parent.

I agree with money for chores. Be very clear about exactly what she needs to do, write it down and then be very clear about the consequences ie her mobile phone or whatever doesn't get paid if she doesn't do it.

Don't rage at her - would you rage at any other adult if they weren't doing what you wanted? - what a horrible idea. Talk to her calmly like an adult. Explain that you are struggling with all you have to do and you need her to behave more like an adult and you want to agree on what she needs to do and what you will provide in return ie paying for her phone.

Stop nagging, and instead have a constructive ‘family meeting’.
Go through everything with her as you have in your OP - what you do/contribute vs her. Ask her if it’s fair. Then go from there.
Make lists of chores and divvy them up between you.

Good luck! xx

Not sure how that responds to my post exactly, you let your teens just completely opt out of chores because they didn’t want to?

She’s an adult now so time for some home truths. I would sit her down and say I’ve always had your back from the start and now it’s time you had mine. I respect you and expect the same level of respect in return. Please help me with these chores every day, I’m getting older now and I’m working so many hours to support us that I’m exhausted and really need the help. Make a list of chores if it will help her.

Ah but raging sometimes is needed. When you asked, talk through, given consequences and are still ignored the very occassional rage works.
Her not tidying up is very much related to whether or not you provide her shelter. Because you're sharing the same space and she is not contributing to that space. I was kicked out by my parents at 18 because I was a nightmare. Out all night, sleeping with not great men, rude, messy etc. I ended up sleeping on friends sofas for a bit before getting a shared room.
Made me grow up, get a better job snd respect my parents whom I get on brilliantly with. It did put me in some quite dangerous situations and quite possibly. It would be much better if my parents had screamed at me a few times and laid down the law earlier.

Stop paying for her stuff - she's an adult now. Stop washing clothes and making her food and all the rest of it - she's an adult and can do all that herself.

Why was she not tidying up her room and stuff from an earlier age? my 13 yr old cleans her room and cleans away her plate after she's eaten and stuff like that.

My mum raged at me a couple of times when she was at the end of her tether when I was growing up and I have needed to do the same with mine. I feel no shame over it, it was a genuine feeling of frustration, upset and disrespect, not uncontrollable violent rage, sometimes people need to see the impact of their behaviour. Teens especially. It opened my eyes, and it opened my teens. When the upset is out, you rationally compile a plan. If you end up raging every week, something isn’t working.