18 yr old daughter is driving me crazy

[heli07]

Hello all, I’m really desperate some advice, I’m a single mum, living with my 18 yr old daughter.

Well I have literally brought her up myself, as my ex husband was not involved with her upbringing to the age of 12, when he left and then never paid any maintenance and had no contact with her at all.

we both worked full time, I worked nights and took on all care of her, she has always relied on me and I love her completely.

Now she is 18, at college for one year taking another course after a levels (which is fine) , but I am 50 years old, still working 48 hours a week on night shifts.

My daughter, despite being asked to tidy behind herself, and as an adult now to contribute to cleaning the house that I struggle to pay for us both as it is rented, I’ve had conversations with her about keeping it tidy, and doing her fair share of chores but it goes in one ear and out another.

im so stressed and exhausted, I’m trying to hold everything together and provide for us both while working 12 hour shifts, my daughter has a college course that is only 20 hours a week and will only help after continued nagging and begging.

i will come home and find everything a mess, we have had talks about sharing the house work but I am ignored, I’m so exhausted!

obviously I rent the house as a 2 bed and it costs more for me, as I could rent a room or a studio and cope on my wages as rents are high here, I’ve explained all of this to her and never expect her to contribute to rent as long as she is bettering herself, so am happy to support her as long as she is in college.

i just feel completely taken advantage of and exhausted by long hours, that coming home and explaining, begging and pleading for her to clean up after herself, do her own laundry at least is ignored.

Her dad dropped her completely at age 12, as he met another woman and refused to give contact details, so i feel guilty about that, but she shows no signs of wanting to be independent.

i have probably made alot of mistakes, but have always tried to teach her work ethics, she has never looked for, despite encouragement, a part time job, and I don’t know what she has planned after this one year college course!

her brain isn't fully matured? what utter nonsense...

She’s had a pretty messed-up life due to no fault of her own and is still a teenager. Have you ever sought counseling for her?

@heli07 re-evaluate your own life first. You don't need to be doing nights anymore. Your DC is an adult now. Could you switch to days and cut back 12 hours as well?

It's time to sit her down and layout the expenses of life. Show her the income number and each deduction off that and how little it leaves for you. Prepare her for real life costs.

Tell her she will be doing housework more often and she also has to get a part time job and contribute dig money now or she will have to move out so you can downsize.

She IS an adult now and she's had it easy because you felt guilty her father is a deadbeat.

You are doing her no favours at all by not preparing her to go out on her own.

I think a routine might help. With reminders eg on phone, fridge door etc.
So - Monday is laundry day, Tuesday she cleans her room, Wednesday bins, Thursday and Monday she is responsible for dinner etc
But have a daily routine too so loads the dishwasher when she gets in from college etc

At 18, they are still very much in teen mode. Unless something is important to them it will just go straight out of their mind. Written prompts will help.

I agree with many other posters loose your shit with her go on an absolute rage it’ll shock her if nothing else and it may just sink in you’re serious. You can sit down the following day if she’s still not sulking and have a frank discussion. It rages me how many people on MN say loosing our shit occasionally is wrong with older kids. Sometimes it’s bloody necessary , too much gentle parenting these days especially with older kids and young adults , they turn into entitled adults believe me I know

What ??? Utter rubbish

This sums it up completely. The only other thing I would say is have you been totally honest with her or tried to shield your ex behaviour to protect her. If this is the case, time to take the gloves off.

@Ladygardenerinderby and @blackpooolrock the brain continues to mature until a person is in their mid twenties.

List of chores you expect to be done.
Give her a month to get a job.

No one lives in my house on a free ride. If you want her to be committed to something (your home) and put in then make it non negotiable. It’s a travesty that you are doing so much, for her to do nothing in response.

Have you got a long let? If not too long, don't renew it. Find a one bedroom place somewhere and let her look after herself.

You must not make yourself a slave to her. She is an adult, like you, and should be making her own way in life. You are no longer responsible for her. You will be doing her a favour by making her support and care for herself.

It can be done. She will be resentful towards you for a while, perhaps not even talk to you, but she has a wrong attitude to life and must learn to make her own way if she is to survive in this life after you are no more.

If she is playing you for a fiddle, she will soon realise that she cannot drain all the life out of her mother and expect her mum to still be there for her.

You never know until you try. She may be very glad you did.

I agree with you, but sitting down and working out how to spend the money coming in should be something discussed with children well before age 18.

Few parents do, because they don't want the kids to know what they are earning, but they are not daft, and discussing your budget with them at 15 gives them a very good idea of how many hours you have to work to buy them a new phone or trainers, or that new item in the boutique.

A clear list of chores every day eg in a text message.

Get her to gather her washing and supervise her doing it. Pick a set day eg Sat to get her into a routine.

Don’t do her washing yourself.

I don’t agree with shouting, I think that just shows you’ve lost control and respect.

Implementing practical measures, clear instructions and set jobs she does, tend to work better than trying to get her to see your POV.

I feel you. My eldest son, 23, moved back after university. Nightmare. However, they're very young really. When they move out we will go and leave a mess at their house. Keep nagging. X

apparently it’s 30 now according to yesterday’s news! 🤯

It sounds like your daughter has a lot of trauma from being abandoned by her father. She is not coping well. Has she ever had therapy?

Wow I have just read some of the other replies of people suggesting that you abandon her as well! Really I don’t think this is what she needs!!

She is certainly not still a kid. I was married with a child at her age. Stop doing everything for her, leave the mess, she will soon cop on once she has no clean clothes, or plates . Unfortunately you are enabling her behavior. Get tough!

My daughter was gratefully relieved when her father moved out.

What would/have you do/done?

Start off by not doing her laundry. If yu don't she will inthe end. Keep your cleaning to areas you need to be clean i.e. kitchen and bathroom. Close your eyes to the rest of the mess. If she reallystill doesn't take the hint, start threatening her to (a( pay rent or (b( move out so you can sublet to supplement your income. She is an 18 yr old acting like an 8 yr old ! Stand firm!

@llizzie have you changed name?

If so I have been guilty of overcompensating. I did too much. I was a lackey and then I was diagnosed with cancer as well as working full time and I thought- what am I doing???

They have to play a role and there was some kickback when I first said about it. Everyone works though… even if it’s minimal and my sons attended special ed schools. I often think about the ‘bread’ analogy (showing my age). Everyone in that household chipped into the China chicken in relation to what they earnt even if it’s a tenner. They tidy up, change beds, wash clothes, pick up shopping. It’s just about being considerate.

I didn’t and don’t always get it right. I definitely babied them and did too much. Even if it’s walking the dog and putting bleach down the loo they should be doing something.

Changed name? from what?

Your DC recognised the fact that you needed help because of your cancer. I am sorry you have gone through so much in life.

How long did it take them to realise that they were harming you by not helping themselves by helping you?

I wonder if children - young adults really - realise that you don't have to be suffering a disease to be absolutely exhausted with the mess young adults inflict on their parents.

What many of them do not realise is that one of the causes of cancer is stress. People are told what to eat, not to smoke, all sorts of cancer causing things, but there is no doubt that stress plays a really big part.

While on the subject of cancer which has risen in men. It isn't just stress. It is sitting too long, in the car, public transport, the desk at work. They are supposed to let the air go free around their parts, but they do not and sit in hot clothes all day, with all the stress of work. That is responsible for lack of fertility and cancer.

Almost every animal kicks the adult children out of the nest/den/whatever. Unless you do the same - finding a smaller place to rent - this is as good as it gets.

If she is not pushed to make her own way in life now, she will never succeed. By leaving her to it, you are actually doing her a good service which will stand her in good stead. Part of raising children is to teach them self sufficiency.

Thank you so much for all of your advice, it has been great and made me think, I know it’s not her fault , as I worked full time nights from the age of 6 months as we couldn’t afford for me to cut my hours. She was with a child minder in the mornings on weekdays and with me in the afternoons when I worked nights, at weekends she was with her dad, but it was all left to me the raising and although I was tired, I wasn’t there enough (mentally) I think as I was sleep deprived. So with her dad doing nothing at all, it was the reason we split!

I carry massive guilt for not being there and don’t blame her at all for not having the cleaning and organising skills as I never taught her and now she is having to pick it all up, but there has to be an element of learning through experiences and figuring things out herself. I just need to be firm and patient as she is actually very much a mums girl, and I think she feels safe being protected by me, but this must change for her own sake!

we had a good chat and I think she got the message and said that she needs to be more organised, I’ve told her I won’t be reminding her.

she has already a list of jobs and we’ve come to a sort of agreement, I think it will be a work in progress and I’ve just got to shoulder it and try not to get upset if it takes time.

i think a lot of her behaviour is through mum guilt , when I realise that I’ve only asked her but need to be much more firm , some 18 year olds are more mature than others and I love her dearly so won’t threaten for her to move out.

i moved out at 18, but this was because my mum had remarried, we had moved into his house which was across the country and I was looking for but hadn’t found work, so my mum gave me 2 months to find somewhere to live. I vowed id never do that, as it affected me to this day.

once again all of your posts have helped and made me think about ways of dealing with things, thank you.