18 yr old daughter is driving me crazy

[heli07]

Hello all, I’m really desperate some advice, I’m a single mum, living with my 18 yr old daughter.

Well I have literally brought her up myself, as my ex husband was not involved with her upbringing to the age of 12, when he left and then never paid any maintenance and had no contact with her at all.

we both worked full time, I worked nights and took on all care of her, she has always relied on me and I love her completely.

Now she is 18, at college for one year taking another course after a levels (which is fine) , but I am 50 years old, still working 48 hours a week on night shifts.

My daughter, despite being asked to tidy behind herself, and as an adult now to contribute to cleaning the house that I struggle to pay for us both as it is rented, I’ve had conversations with her about keeping it tidy, and doing her fair share of chores but it goes in one ear and out another.

im so stressed and exhausted, I’m trying to hold everything together and provide for us both while working 12 hour shifts, my daughter has a college course that is only 20 hours a week and will only help after continued nagging and begging.

i will come home and find everything a mess, we have had talks about sharing the house work but I am ignored, I’m so exhausted!

obviously I rent the house as a 2 bed and it costs more for me, as I could rent a room or a studio and cope on my wages as rents are high here, I’ve explained all of this to her and never expect her to contribute to rent as long as she is bettering herself, so am happy to support her as long as she is in college.

i just feel completely taken advantage of and exhausted by long hours, that coming home and explaining, begging and pleading for her to clean up after herself, do her own laundry at least is ignored.

Her dad dropped her completely at age 12, as he met another woman and refused to give contact details, so i feel guilty about that, but she shows no signs of wanting to be independent.

i have probably made alot of mistakes, but have always tried to teach her work ethics, she has never looked for, despite encouragement, a part time job, and I don’t know what she has planned after this one year college course!

''I carry massive guilt for not being there and don’t blame her at all for not having the cleaning and organising skills as I never taught her and now she is having to pick it all up, but there has to be an element of learning through experiences and figuring things out herself''

Why do you carry guilt? Millions of children are cared for by others while mother works, even with two parents. Are you sure she doesn't have you wrapped around her finger?

It isn't just to earn money. The children learn to socialise with other children. Your 18 year old is adult, and you have nothing to feel guilty about unless you encouraged her laziness, and I doubt very much if you did that.

That sounds like you’ve had a good breakthrough with your dd. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t remind her though? I think it’s perfectly reasonable to say ‘sweetheart please could you remember to…’ eg empty the dishwasher / do whatever activity is agreed etc. This is just guiding her to success, not nagging.

You shouldn't be carrying the guilt of a failed marriage. Marriage breakdown is caused by two people not just one.

You should also not carry the guilt of trying to raise a family on your own - you were doing your very best under the circumstances.

@llizziesorry I got confused when you asked what I had done and mixed you up with OP.

No it shouldn’t have taken me being diagnosed with cancer and I would love to say they have been perfect since but that is not the case (particularly the youngest) but it’s progress.

The DD is 18 and still in full time education. Are you mad?

Not at all. She is 18, an adult. If the law says parents should pay for their keep if they are in full time education, the law is an ass.

No mother should battle alone with an adult child who refuses to cooperate in the smooth running of the home. Adult children have no right to cause suffering to their parent just because they are still at school.

I would hope, as I have said, that there is some middle ground.

I am a single parent to teen DDs 17 & 15 and they are sooo messy! But they have ALWAYS had chores. DD1 is away at college now so has to do her own laundry, cleaning, organising. DD2 is responsible for her own bedroom, sorting her laundry, the hall/stairs/landing alternating weekly with the bathroom. Shared areas - we all tidy up after ourselves but I clean the lounge and kitchen. I do the cooking and clean as I go, they clean up after meals. The only thing that I can say is that my DDs have been taught this from a young age, and their pocket money has always depended on them doing their bit. It still does! It took months of supporting them through all the stages of cleaning their bedrooms, changing their bedding etc, cleaning a bathroom, loading a dishwasher, mopping a floor. These are not innate skills / they have to be taught. And as they’ve gotten older I’ve expected more help and independence from them. I don’t think it would work if I just landed it on them now …