To settle for a man who I lack sexual chemistry with

[smallfish29]

Yikes…so quick background. I’m 40 and had two serious relationships in my life. My last one was awful. He was incredibly abusive and damaged my trust and self-esteem. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and I’ve finally starting to heel and get on the right path but definitely still got a long way to go. I’ve also had undiagnosed ADHD which I believe has caused problems understanding situations and how I react to things. I feel confident now that I’m finally on the right path and doing everything I can to better myself as a person.

Here is the situation :
I have an old Uni friend who is lovely - let’s call him Alex. Alex is absolutely husband material and everyone praised him to the hills at my Uni for being an all-round lovely, genuine guy. He is attractive, smart, good morals, good job etc. Alex recently reached out and we have had conversations about meeting up etc. I have a feeling that he wants to pursue things but I’m just so torn. I have always been so fiercely independent and would never settle but I’m starting to feel like time is running out, or running away from me and I can’t stop it and I’m desperately clinging on. It’s the most bizarre, awful feeling. I feel quite lonely which I never thought I would say. I also could be peri? The possibility of another child (I previously have one DD) would also be nice.

Alex is absolutely that guy BUT here is the problem. I don’t feel a massive sexual spark. That spark that I want to rip his clothes off. Does that even matter at my age anymore? I’m feeling it doesn’t. A lot of those guys I have desired have turned out to be absolute tosspots anyway so I’m thinking now it’s time to change tack and do the right thing. To try something different and maybe a chance to build a life with someone who is caring, kind, honest and who will not mess me about.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and taken the plunge? Am I being unreasonable to try and go for this if I don’t have massive sexual feelings towards him?

Alex deserves more than someone who it’s ‘settling’ for him. Let the man go and have proper happiness

Yeah, don't "settle" for Alex, let him find someone who appreciates him.

Or do you think you would be doing him some kind of favour?!

Absolutely not. I have no doubt he could find someone amazing. But I also think my feelings could equally grow for him on a very deep level.

You’re rushing ahead here .. why not meet up and just see how it goes

You’re thinking too far ahead. Give it a few dates, see how you feel. Then if you’re not feeling it, don’t waste each others time.

I was in exactly the same position 6 months ago and when the guy told me he wanted to take it further I simply couldn’t do it. Not only is it not fair on him, don’t do it to yourself. You can’t have sex with someone you don’t fancy it would be awful

Oh let Alex worry about himself.

however, from experience here, you can slide through dating, marriage and babies with this man. All nice and lots of projects like preparing your home and making babies. Then….The moment your children are over approx 2, get ready for you libido to roar back…and Alex won’t fill that void. So what do you do now?

Well there you go. I was needling you to see if you thought "Hey! I could actually like him!"

It sounds as if you haven’t had a date yet?

Personally I would say absolutely not. 40 is young, you’ve had a child, you are self sufficient. Why disrupt any of that unless there is really wonderful sex involved? This sounds as if there are still quite disruptive forces working themselves out in your life.

He sounds like a potential friend, if he is up for that role.

But you haven't even met up with Alex yet! Leaping straight to 'settling ' with someone who might just want a drink and a shag seems a bit premature, to say the least. Just go on a couple of dates with him, and see how it goes.

It depends if you’ve given the chance for it to grow. I didn’t have immediate sexual chemistry with either of the people I had long term relationships with and I had massive sexual chemistry once I got to know them. So I’d date him but if you’re a few dates in and don’t feel a spark I’d let it go. Sex itself isn’t everything as the years go by but the chemistry and attraction keeps you going through challenges as it’s a connection not just sexual connection. And I’m saying this still in the throes of small children fairly sure I’ll want a lot more sex in a few years!

Having not actually gone on a date yet, I wouldn't be jumping to the potentiality of long-term settling! Meet up with him, see if there is a mutual spark - you might find out that it is a slow burn situation - or you might find out that neither of you feel that way about one another and feel it would spoil your friendship to go down that path.

Don't settle as it wastes his time and yours. However it can't hurt to meet up and have a few dates, see how you feel when you get to know him in potential romance mode and see what happens. It seems you're getting way ahead of yourself, just meet up and see what the vibe is.

The ripping clothes of feeling is attraction and lust not sexual compatibility, it may well be he is incredible in bed and you two might be very compatible, or grow to be communicative and compatible in bed. There's just so many variables to this, it seems strange to throw him out because at this moment you don't feel a powerful sense of lust for the fella.

Meet up. See how it goes. And if the physical side is enjoyable.

Don’t be cruel and let this man think you are 100% for him when your feelings are lukewarm at best.

Does Alex know that you have already planned his fate? Poor Alex.

I would honestly think with my head as well as with my heart (lust) in this situation. It’s worth a cup of coffee to see if you feel anything in his company: there are worse things than a partner who is a best friend, kind and warm.

@smallfish29

I agree with a PP, meet up and see how it goes. Try to see him, really see him, with a completely open mind. Not as some future answer to your prayers.

Here's something to think about and ask yourself, because 'settling' isn't just marrying them or making commitments to them. It's keeping those promises. If you 'settle' for this man are you willing to stand by the promises you make? What happens if you marry/commit to him and somewhere down the line your real 'true love' appears? Will you stand by this man you've deceived into thinking he's the love of your life or will you skip off into the sunset with the 'real' Mr Right?

That spark goes out after a while anyway.

Christ alive. You’re 40, not 80. Don’t settle for someone you don’t fancy. It’s really, really unfair on both of you, but particularly him.

Here bloody here. Chemistry is very very very important.

Exactly this.

If you have even half the regard for him that you claim to have, you won't get yourself involved in a sexual/romantic relationship with him when you just don't fancy him at all.

It would be unbelievably cruel and selfish of you to do so. You'd be depriving him of a chance to be with someone who did actually want him.

Don't do it.

Does Alex know you're already planning babies with him, and lamenting the lack of 'spark' without even meeting him first? Maybe the poor guy just wants to catch up and reminisce? I'd run for the hills if I were Alex.

poor alex