To settle for a man who I lack sexual chemistry with

[smallfish29]

Yikes…so quick background. I’m 40 and had two serious relationships in my life. My last one was awful. He was incredibly abusive and damaged my trust and self-esteem. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and I’ve finally starting to heel and get on the right path but definitely still got a long way to go. I’ve also had undiagnosed ADHD which I believe has caused problems understanding situations and how I react to things. I feel confident now that I’m finally on the right path and doing everything I can to better myself as a person.

Here is the situation :
I have an old Uni friend who is lovely - let’s call him Alex. Alex is absolutely husband material and everyone praised him to the hills at my Uni for being an all-round lovely, genuine guy. He is attractive, smart, good morals, good job etc. Alex recently reached out and we have had conversations about meeting up etc. I have a feeling that he wants to pursue things but I’m just so torn. I have always been so fiercely independent and would never settle but I’m starting to feel like time is running out, or running away from me and I can’t stop it and I’m desperately clinging on. It’s the most bizarre, awful feeling. I feel quite lonely which I never thought I would say. I also could be peri? The possibility of another child (I previously have one DD) would also be nice.

Alex is absolutely that guy BUT here is the problem. I don’t feel a massive sexual spark. That spark that I want to rip his clothes off. Does that even matter at my age anymore? I’m feeling it doesn’t. A lot of those guys I have desired have turned out to be absolute tosspots anyway so I’m thinking now it’s time to change tack and do the right thing. To try something different and maybe a chance to build a life with someone who is caring, kind, honest and who will not mess me about.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and taken the plunge? Am I being unreasonable to try and go for this if I don’t have massive sexual feelings towards him?

Just spend some time together. He might not want you yet so don’t jump the gun.
If though your gut feeling is right and he is definitely interested, just give it a try. There’s something very very attractive about a man who has his shit together and treats you well. You deserve someone decent and Instant sexual desire is not needed. Sex should actually get better the more you get to know someone.

This. I had exactly the same experience and liked him enough to sleep with him. It blew my mind, best sex ever. Obviously I married him and here we are after nearly 30 years.

My ex was lovely, caring and kind but completely lacked sexual chemistry. As I started to fall in love (about 6 weeks in) with him I completely found him very sexy!

Go out with him for a few dates.

Do you want Alex to be the step-father of your daughter?

Do you think sexual feelings would grow if you spent time together just as friends? Sometimes people can become more and more attractive as you become closer.

If you spent time with him - as a friend only, mind - and feelings did not grow, then absolutely do NOT settle. You will end up totally miserable, and it's completely unfair on him.

If he's an old uni friend, maybe you could go out together in groups, and spend time with him that way. There has to be ways you can spend time with him without it being a date or leading him on. Maybe you can arrange fun group stuff to do, like board games or ice skating. It will help you to see who he is today. I'm a big believer in getting to know someone well before deciding if you can feel that way about him or not.

But it bears repeating - don't go down the relationship road unless those feelings develop. Settling is a horrendous idea. Marriage can be difficult enough when you haven't settled. If you choose someone to be your sole lifelong sexual partner and they aren't someone you want sex with, you are in for an absolute world of pain, not to mention ruining his life.

@SkaneTos haha no. Not looking for any kind of father figure for DD.

Jesus, don’t use him to assuage your loneliness. How unethical and lowdown.

Seek therapy and let Alex find someone who doesn’t see it as “settling.”

I am absolutely one of those people that is sexually attracted to people when I get to know them. That’s why I feel my feelings could grow, but I’m just not there yet I don’t think.

Good advice about just meeting up as friends though and not putting any pressure on anything.

I think I’m just super worried. I have really bad anxiety about my life and finding someone at this age. I know 40 isn’t old but feel like time is slipping by…almost like some kind of weird vertigo feeling where I’m stood still and I’m seeing events play out in my mind all around me that have already happened and I can’t get back, or missed out on. Maybe that’s a peri thing but getting that so much of that feeling lately.

Is “finding someone” your chief goal in life??

@CheeseIsMyIdol no, it never has bothered me at all. A lot of things have bothered me so much since I’ve hit 40 though.

It depends. I saw an ex across a crowded dance floor and he was 'my type' but after two years I just wasn't attracted any more and probably had 'the ick'. No-one's fault, but just happened.

My husband of many years, I didn't immediately 'fancy' when I saw photos, but we got chatting for a couple of hours at an event and well, that was that and still is more than 20 years later.

So you're saying that Alex is the most wonderful guy in the world, but you don't feel like ripping his clothes off at this point.

Yeah, in my opinion that is not a reason to not date someone.

Actually, if it was the other way around, where you met the most horrible guy in the world and all you wanted to do was rip his clothes off... Can you see how that would be much much worse?

What do your alternatives look like?

To be completely honest, at 40 it is near impossible to find someone "perfect" in every way that you would desire.

Everyone settles, and especially when dating later in life. (That doesn't stop people convincing themselves of the narrative that they married a person who is absolutely perfect for them, the best person in 8 billion for them)

The question isn't about settling, it is about what aspects you are ok with settling, and what aspects of a person are uncompromisable to you.

Sexual compatibility, financial capability, Responsibility, cleanliness, Romantic agency, emotional expression, organization, spontaneity etc. You could list 100s of things that make a perfect partner, and every poster, bar none, will have picked a partner where they have "settled" for them being less than desirable in that specific aspect, because no partner is perfect.

So the re-framing is not whether you should settle, but is what are the aspects that you could or could not settle on? and how does he compare in this regard to your alternatives? Are his "settling" aspects more or less of a problem than any other man you could find, or being alone?

You’re definitely jumping the gun as you haven’t even met up yet, but my first thought was that Alex deserves better than what your feelings for him currently are. You also sound like you have anxiety to be honest - there is no rush to settle with anyone.

I’ m five years older than you (with dcs) been divorced a long time and just haven’t met another partner. I broke up with the only ‘boyfriend’ I’ve had since marriage in large part because of the physical chemistry. I felt quite similar to how you do about Alex (except we had not known each other a long time) - my head knew he was a good person, my heart just didn’t want a relationship with him. I let him go and told him he deserved better.

I think that you can’t know for sure whether there’s sexual chemistry until you’ve dated him and slept with him.
When you’ve known someone for a long time, feelings change over time, and if he’s been in the friendship box for a long while, your brain might need a bit of time to see him differently,

I say go out with him and see what happens…

Undiagnosed ADHD isn’t ADHD. You don’t have it.

Try it and see- you may develop passion

Have you seen Alex since uni? Men can change from their younger selves and maybe he still is has some positive ‘husband material’ traits from uni but also he will have had life experiences and maybe his current self is changed. Have you changed since uni? I think the only way you will know for sure if there is something worth perusing is if you meet up with him.

I have a feeling that he wants to pursue things but I’m just so torn

you're massively jumping the gun and making assumptions about someone's motives before you've even spoken with them properly.

he may meet you and afterwards say thanks but no thanks. How will you feel then, if he decides you aren't right for him? It could bring you crashing back down to earth.

meanwhile you're already planning having another child...?

make sure you don't end up with egg on your face, is my best advice here!

Well he's a friend, would be odd if you had been listing over him for years!

But many a happy marriage grew from people who already knew each other well. Less risky and pressured than online dating in my opinion.

Just take it as you find it and enjoy the moment. If the moment is common interests, great. If the moment is ripping each others clothes off, great.

This.
Alex might just want to reminisce about his pet goldfish from uni and have no feelings for you at all!
He might want to meet up to tell you about his engagement and invite you to the wedding, don't jump the gun (imagining babies together etc before a date😳) or it could be very embarrassing.

Speak for yourself. I still have the spark with my partner after 20 years.

But I think you should give him a chance op... sometimes attraction can grow.

I have a friend who married a guy she has no spark with. She has a nice steady life with a good guy...there's worse options than that.

You’ve not even been intimate with him yet. He may have a magic wand down there!

Be honest with him. Put it down to peri. Explain its because you’ve never thought about him other than a friend. Agree to a trial relationship getting to know each other intimately to see if there is a physical connection. If you’re still not feeling it after a while forewarned is forearmed.

Op, simmer down and relax. Take it for what it is and have a friendship and see where it goes. Your insecurities are showing here.

I would say meet up as friends. How long since you last did that? You can’t compare how you felt 20 years ago.
I also think you have unreal expectation LS that it is normal to want to ‘rip someone’s clothes off’ and if you don’t, it’s not normal. That’s extreme. Attraction is very important to me but that can also grow or become stronger if someone is a good guy as you say Alex is.