To settle for a man who I lack sexual chemistry with

[smallfish29]

Yikes…so quick background. I’m 40 and had two serious relationships in my life. My last one was awful. He was incredibly abusive and damaged my trust and self-esteem. I’ve had a lot of trauma in my life and I’ve finally starting to heel and get on the right path but definitely still got a long way to go. I’ve also had undiagnosed ADHD which I believe has caused problems understanding situations and how I react to things. I feel confident now that I’m finally on the right path and doing everything I can to better myself as a person.

Here is the situation :
I have an old Uni friend who is lovely - let’s call him Alex. Alex is absolutely husband material and everyone praised him to the hills at my Uni for being an all-round lovely, genuine guy. He is attractive, smart, good morals, good job etc. Alex recently reached out and we have had conversations about meeting up etc. I have a feeling that he wants to pursue things but I’m just so torn. I have always been so fiercely independent and would never settle but I’m starting to feel like time is running out, or running away from me and I can’t stop it and I’m desperately clinging on. It’s the most bizarre, awful feeling. I feel quite lonely which I never thought I would say. I also could be peri? The possibility of another child (I previously have one DD) would also be nice.

Alex is absolutely that guy BUT here is the problem. I don’t feel a massive sexual spark. That spark that I want to rip his clothes off. Does that even matter at my age anymore? I’m feeling it doesn’t. A lot of those guys I have desired have turned out to be absolute tosspots anyway so I’m thinking now it’s time to change tack and do the right thing. To try something different and maybe a chance to build a life with someone who is caring, kind, honest and who will not mess me about.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and taken the plunge? Am I being unreasonable to try and go for this if I don’t have massive sexual feelings towards him?

Go and see how it goes. Like PPs said, you might be jumping the gun! But, if he is interested, go on a few dates and see how you feel. I definitely did not fancy my now DH when I first met him, in fact I thought he was a bit of a twat 🤣🤣 But as I got to know him, over a couple of months, I did start to be attracted to him….and here we are, spark very much still alive, after 20+ years.

Well then for gods sake don’t marry this man, he’ll be in your daughter’s life by default. More so if you have another child.

Why settle at all?
What is the point of always having a bloke in your house if you don't even fancy them

Assuming you don't have sexual chemistry with someone you haven't met since university let alone slept with is putting the cart before the horse a bit.

But if you don't feel any sexual chemistry after a few dates then absolutely don't settle - don't do it to yourself and don't do it to him.

Not a reason but something to think about.

How can you be so sure he'd be willing to 'settle' for you? He's not even asked you out yet.

well, the fact that you find him handsome helps. It’s not all lost and I’d give it a go tbh

Don't mean this in a bad way, but you're acting pretty immature imo. Physical attraction is important, but so is things like maturity, compatibility and financial independence. He's not guy for you, think you're looking to have your cake and eat it..

This!! You don’t have to agree to marry him right now, just meet up, and see if you like his company enough to meet again.

I agree with others, it's way too early to be thinking so far ahead.

When did you last see him? Not online,I mean actually see him in the flesh. If you're 40 and haven't met up since uni days, you've no idea what attraction may or may not be there now.

Meet him, get to know each other again, reminisce about the fun days, see how you both feel. He might or might not be into you! And you might fall for him after a few friendly meet-ups and actually decide you do, in fact, want to rip his clothes off!

Seems like OP is only attracted to arseholes.

Sexual chemistry can evolve over time. I didn’t fancy my current partner at the beginning, but things changed as I got to know him. If there is no change however, I don’t think it’s worth it no. Eventually, you feel as though you could have spent that time with someone who was kind and sexually compatible.

Everyone deserves someone who thinks they are amazing. Not just luke warm

This exactly
it’s not fair being with someone you think is ‘meh’ and wasting the best years of their life- let him find someone who has a spark

I married my Alex. The chemistry isn't like it was with boyfriends in my 20's, or the bad boys who always seem to bring the chemistry (not saying it's limited to them but does seem to be a running theme) but we have fun. What I love about our life though is he's an absolutely amazing partner and father. He gives this life his all. He says I bring out the best in him and the feeling is absolutely mutual. We have a young family now and whilst it's been ropey at times we've communicated and worked together, and now are able to laugh when things get crazy in a way I can't imagine would have ever happened with some of my 'tear your clothes off' boyfriends. We were younger so it's not fair to compare I guess, but there it is. We respect and like each other, commited to making this work and it feels like we're working towards common goals. It's nice. I know for some people nice is a dirty word when it comes to relationships, but I come from a long line of marital fuck ups and to be married to someone who I like and trust feels like a real win to me.

This. You may not have had chemistry before because you had him marked as a friend. It may different when you meet up. Take it slow, see what happens.

Why when people complain about a lack of sexual attraction do people pretend that is the ONLY thing they care about?She did not say she does not care about financial independence or compatibility.

But there is nothing immature about wanting or needing to be sexually attracted to a romantic partner.

Especially if you want a sexual relationship with them.

Where did you read that?

In the opening post:

"A lot of those guys I have desired have turned out to be absolute tosspots"

Where does it say she is only attracted to arseholes? Having a lot of men you found physically attractive turn out to he arseholes does not mean that is what she was attracted to.

There’s a lot more to relationships, especially marriage, than sexual chemistry. It’s certainly not in my top 10 of “What is the most important factor within your marriage?” list.

However, for some people it’s an EXTREMELY important factor and that’s ok too.

You should never “settle” for anything.

Whether it’s sexual chemistry, or another element of compatibility, you should only be with someone if you know 100% that they are your person.

If you feel like you are having to make a self-sacrifice of some sort in order to be with someone, and it’s a sacrifice you are making reluctantly, then it’s not the person you should be with. Both you and they deserve better.

I’m old and I see that one of the mistakes I made was jumping ahead in both ways: No not for me and yes, definitely for me.

I should just have been more open and relaxed and waited to see what happened.

Good luck OP