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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried about 13yo daughter

61 replies

Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 20:17

I am really worried about my 13 yo daughter and I am not sure if my worry is over the top or if people would be as genuinely concerned as me.

Previous history of domestic abuse with my daughters dad so that may be fuelling my reaction.

My daughter is involved with a boy of the same age as her. He has been displaying some quite some concerning behaviors towards her. For example, he was asking for her passwords and checking her phone and social media, asking her to end friendships with other boys and pressurising her to kiss him. I made her delete him from her phone and changed all her passwords. However, he managed to get in touch with her and told her it was none of my business and changed the settings to disappearing messages. I involved his parents and the school and attempted to keep him away and them apart but she continously sees him on and off in secret. I came across a message from him that said he couldn't trust her anymore because he was unable to check her phone but that he wanted 'to work on it together'.

I have tried everything and she just will not stay away from him. I just cannot get through to her.

She recently came home with bruises on her body that that she dismissed as them play fighting. She went on to tell me that they had been seeing each other again but that he wanted to end it because he told her his ''jealousy is too much''. I involved his parents again but on that very same day he was in touch with her again telling her to keep disappearing messages on and change the names in their phones. He has told her that his dad has said my daughter ''will be accussing him of raping her next.'' It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, she will not stay away from him and vice versa.

I now want to involve social services and maybe even the police as a safeguarding issue however some people have told me I am over reacting? I genuinely fear that my daughter is at risk from this boy, particularly if his behaviours begin to escalate and i am so anxious about it. I feel absolutely powerless in keeping them apart.

What are peoples thoughts on this?
If I report to social services, what action, if any, are they likely to take?

OP posts:
Member984815 · 24/11/2025 20:23

The bruises are very concerning, that and him getting her to change names in phones and disappearing messages .his father's comment also would make me worried. Getting social services involved sounds like a good option .

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 24/11/2025 20:26

Speak to the safeguarding lead at school. They will be able to speak to social care and to your daughter separately. You can refer to social care yourself but yes you do need to do something. It’s escalating and there needs to be other agency involvement.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 24/11/2025 20:27

I would add that it is controlling and coercive behaviour and peer on peer abuse is part of school safeguarding training now.

Original poster
Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 20:28

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 24/11/2025 20:26

Speak to the safeguarding lead at school. They will be able to speak to social care and to your daughter separately. You can refer to social care yourself but yes you do need to do something. It’s escalating and there needs to be other agency involvement.

I have spoken with the school already. It really hasn't made any difference and they didn't escalate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 20:29

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 24/11/2025 20:27

I would add that it is controlling and coercive behaviour and peer on peer abuse is part of school safeguarding training now.

I will definitely speak with the school again. Thank you.

OP posts:
GagMeWithASpoon · 24/11/2025 20:32

What you do is talk , talk , talk to her. About consent, and boundaries , healthy relationships and friendships . Involve her school again, do they have pastoral care /mental health lead that can take her out and talk it through with her? Keep her busy, homework, plans together, friends over , clubs , hobbies, chores, anything and everything. Tell her that no matter what you love her, you’re there for her and you will always listen.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 24/11/2025 20:34

If they won’t make a referral then you can do it, if you look up your local authority website there will be details on how to make a children’s social care referral. You could also speak with the NSPCC for some advice as it may be something that should be reported to the police.

ScrimMN · 24/11/2025 20:36

Involve the police before it’s too late. This is stalking behaviour and shouldn’t be taken lightly at all.

Marvelettesyouremyremedy · 24/11/2025 20:41

He's a wee abuser in the making no wonder you're worried for your daughter.

SpanThatWorld · 24/11/2025 20:41

Police

Schools are very restricted as to what they can do with kids in these situations, particularly as it sounds like boy's dad won't be helpful.

Ginflinger · 24/11/2025 20:43

I think you're completely right to worry. Trust your instincts. Good luck hope you and she are both ok.

crazeekat · 24/11/2025 20:45

Absolutely not overreacting. U have asked him to stay away. He is still pressurising her and she is going along with it. Get the police involved for both of them. This is a very very unhealthy relationship and can pave the way to how she accepts men’s behaviour towards her when she is older. Get social workers and police involved. They will know better what to do and funny how school attitudes change when social services are included. She is still an underage girl. He has no right to do what he is doing child
or
not.

ScrimMN · 24/11/2025 20:50

Some might think it’s going to far but I would talk to the boy directly as well, I would calmly and firmly tell him that he has absolutely no right to touch your daughter’s phone, tell her how to use her messaging apps and he needs to stay away from her. They are children, it’s sounds like he’s getting away with a lot at home

IdaGlossop · 24/11/2025 20:52

I agree you need to involve school safeguarding, or social services directly if school is reluctant. If you're not doing so already, start keeping a diary, both so you don't have to remember chapter and verse, and so you have a contemporaneous record to share with relevant authorities.

You are reading some of her messages so would be able to photograph them as evidence. You say she is seeing him in secret. Do your daily routines permit you to collect her from school and do something together to reduce the time she has available to do this?

Original poster
Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 21:11

Thank you for responses so far. It is helping me to see that i am not over reacting and I can begin to plan my next steps.

OP posts:
Ohdearanotherone · 24/11/2025 21:19

Definitely the school safeguarding lead/team. I would also report to social services too though they may just pass back to school. Is he the same age?

MNLurker1345 · 24/11/2025 21:30

You are not overreacting! DD is 13, boyfriend and girlfriend relationships at this age should not be this problematic. DD must understand that she has the freedom to end a relationship if it is not working.

What you have expressed are the dynamics of adult PPs in abusive and controlling relationships and the response on MN is often LTB.

I don’t understand why people have told you that you are overreacting. You are not!

How is your DD? It must be so difficult for her. She is too young to have to navigate this level of relationship. You say your past relationship involved DV, this must be so difficult for you also.

AmberRose86 · 24/11/2025 21:34

Police. Social work. School.

Also. She is 13. Take her phone off her and keep her in for a wee while.

PickingFruit · 24/11/2025 21:40

Your instincts are sound. Keep school informed/ social services

whatisgoingonandwhy · 24/11/2025 21:42

Social worker here, report this to social services. There may also be other things that are known about this boy that add to the pattern and that you are unaware of. I work in a team working with teens and this would be a concern. They may also be able to refer your daughter in to a service to do some work around healthy relationships.

Original poster
Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 21:44

MNLurker1345 · 24/11/2025 21:30

You are not overreacting! DD is 13, boyfriend and girlfriend relationships at this age should not be this problematic. DD must understand that she has the freedom to end a relationship if it is not working.

What you have expressed are the dynamics of adult PPs in abusive and controlling relationships and the response on MN is often LTB.

I don’t understand why people have told you that you are overreacting. You are not!

How is your DD? It must be so difficult for her. She is too young to have to navigate this level of relationship. You say your past relationship involved DV, this must be so difficult for you also.

My dd is ok, she really doesn't seem to understand that this is not OK nor acceptable. Just when I think i am getting somewhere with her, I find out she has been round him again and his behaviour is definitely escalating. Honestly, it is causing me awful anxiety and I have barely slept the last few days. My level of worry can be quite over the top at times and this is why I felt I needed to try and get other peoples perspectives on this before taking any action. Thank you for your reply.

OP posts:
WhatJustHappenedCelia · 24/11/2025 21:46

Absolutely not overreacting. Agree with PPs, report to social services, the police and escalate at school. Good luck

Original poster
Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 21:47

whatisgoingonandwhy · 24/11/2025 21:42

Social worker here, report this to social services. There may also be other things that are known about this boy that add to the pattern and that you are unaware of. I work in a team working with teens and this would be a concern. They may also be able to refer your daughter in to a service to do some work around healthy relationships.

Thank you for your reply. I will definitely take your advice on board. Do you think I should report to the police? I feel this boy needs to be on their radar and his behaviour recorded.

OP posts:
AmberRose86 · 24/11/2025 22:00

Aconcernedmum43 · 24/11/2025 21:44

My dd is ok, she really doesn't seem to understand that this is not OK nor acceptable. Just when I think i am getting somewhere with her, I find out she has been round him again and his behaviour is definitely escalating. Honestly, it is causing me awful anxiety and I have barely slept the last few days. My level of worry can be quite over the top at times and this is why I felt I needed to try and get other peoples perspectives on this before taking any action. Thank you for your reply.

Show quote history

She’s 13 though. Not 16. You need to parent her. You should know where she is. Especially at the moment.

MNLurker1345 · 24/11/2025 22:03

@Aconcernedmum43, it makes total sense that your DD does not comprehend the complexity of this relationship.

Do contact all of the authorities PPs have advised and don’t stop and don’t allow them to not take this on. It’s not easy but what you are going through and the danger you see your DD exposed to is not easy either.

A PP has said in the immediate, talk to her and don’t stop. Initiate conversations about consent, no means no and teen culture etc! She is to young to be grappling this level of relationship but she is not to young to forming opinions about girls and women place in the world!

Good luck x