Worried about 13yo daughter

[Aconcernedmum43]

I am really worried about my 13 yo daughter and I am not sure if my worry is over the top or if people would be as genuinely concerned as me.

Previous history of domestic abuse with my daughters dad so that may be fuelling my reaction.

My daughter is involved with a boy of the same age as her. He has been displaying some quite some concerning behaviors towards her. For example, he was asking for her passwords and checking her phone and social media, asking her to end friendships with other boys and pressurising her to kiss him. I made her delete him from her phone and changed all her passwords. However, he managed to get in touch with her and told her it was none of my business and changed the settings to disappearing messages. I involved his parents and the school and attempted to keep him away and them apart but she continously sees him on and off in secret. I came across a message from him that said he couldn't trust her anymore because he was unable to check her phone but that he wanted 'to work on it together'.

I have tried everything and she just will not stay away from him. I just cannot get through to her.

She recently came home with bruises on her body that that she dismissed as them play fighting. She went on to tell me that they had been seeing each other again but that he wanted to end it because he told her his ''jealousy is too much''. I involved his parents again but on that very same day he was in touch with her again telling her to keep disappearing messages on and change the names in their phones. He has told her that his dad has said my daughter ''will be accussing him of raping her next.'' It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, she will not stay away from him and vice versa.

I now want to involve social services and maybe even the police as a safeguarding issue however some people have told me I am over reacting? I genuinely fear that my daughter is at risk from this boy, particularly if his behaviours begin to escalate and i am so anxious about it. I feel absolutely powerless in keeping them apart.

What are peoples thoughts on this?
If I report to social services, what action, if any, are they likely to take?

You're not overreacting. Contact the police and social services. Every time you see a bruise call the police again to get the evidence recorded. If this boy is like this at 13 I dread to think how far he can go in the future if this behaviour isn't managed, his parents obviously aren't going to bother to do it so it needs the police and social services. You're DD needs all the support available to drill into her how unacceptable and dangerous his behaviour is.

That is really rude. I do parent her and I parent her well. I do know where she is at all times but what do you want me to do, go join her friendship group and hang out with them? Or sit in the classroom with her? I can't monitor her phone 24/7 and I cant be with her at all times, as I'm sure you arent with your teenagers, if you have them, at all times.

I’m not trying to be rude but clearly you don’t know where she is at all times if you’re surprised that she’s been with him again.

Any 13 year old with a boyfriend needs to have an eye kept on where they are, let alone one with this shit going on.

You tell her to get her arse straight home after school for a start.

I'm not sure why you are assuming that I don't know where she is. There is a difference between me knowing where she is and being unable to control if he is a part of the friendship group that are hanging out on any particular day. I am trying my best.

I get that. But she’s coming home with bruises and he’s taking her phone and she’s not getting the severity of this.

You need to start putting some rules and restrictions in place. It’s not about punishing her it’s about protecting her from this madness.

13!!!

I would suggest getting her to do the freedom Programme too OP

The Freedom Programme UK offers programs for different age groups, including one for young people aged 13-25, and a separate program for men aged 16-25. There is also a version for primary school-aged children and separate programmes designed for mothers with children under five years old.

Do you actually know this boy? As in, have you met him? I would be tempted to have a serious conversation with the entitled little gobshite and his unpleasant dad too. He needs the shit scared out of him, quite honestly. I would be speaking to the police, the school (again) and social services. Little shit needs sorting out.

Thank you for this, I didn't realise it was available for young people.

I'm very concerned about the disappearing messages...... He could be pressuring for pictures or anything! You are not over reacting at all and he's showing very worrying behaviour

@AmberRose86, we hear you! But I think things have moved beyond this now.

@Aconcernedmum43 and her DD need safeguarding now. Mum needs help,
she has reached out to MN, so desperate she
is. Immediate responses and support. She now needs to do the hard yards and get the agency’s involved. This is bigger than laying down rules. Do you really think that when OP says to her DD “get your arse back here straight after school”, DD is going to say “yes mum” and do it when she is being controlled and manipulated by this boy?

Normal rules don’t apply here now!

I know this, and I have said school, police and social work as well. I’d be screaming it from the damn rooftops (but I wouldn’t be wasting any more time on the dad, who is clearly the source of this behaviour). But she needs to be aware of where her daughter is and at least try to impose some boundaries, albeit the horse has already bolted now I suppose.

do you know, my eldest is 11 (nearly 12) and she is surrounded by girls who seem to be actively encouraged by their “bestie” parents to dress/act much older than they actually are. Boyfriends and make up etc. Letting them do and go wherever they want to, not accepting the dangers in it. Social media, TikTok etc. They think it’s funny, all in such a hurry for their daughters to grow up. It’s not funny. They are children.

I say police as well. Your daughter is in danger from this little scrote. He needs a rocket up his arse

Your replies are really unhelpful. You are making a lot of assumptions and all of them are untrue.

I’m not sure social services will do anything

Yanbu, she may hate you for it now but one day she’ll realise. I just hope social services can actually do anything. It is a very very worrying situation, how is he this twisted at 13?

I know, it is really scary that a boy, of such a young age, can be so abusive, manipulative and coercive. I absolutely dread to think what his behaviours will be as he gets older. I honestly believe he is dangerous. (This began when they were 12, very recently turned 13. She met him when she started high school)

Please take control of her phone. Her bedroom should be a phone free zone when she goes to bed, left with you & regularly checked. Passwords are shared with you. If she breaks your trust, give her a dumb phone.

Do you have a tracker on it?

Yanbu. There's no point in any further dealing with his parents. He has learned this behavior at home.

You need to escalate.

I'd be inclined to give her a dumb phone with no camera now, OP. Teenagers can get pressured through nudes that they've sent and had screenshoted. You can't stop him seeing her at school, from the sounds of it, although I would be keeping a conversation open with school about it and making them put them in separate classes. You can do everything possible to keep them apart outside of school and to stop communication.

At this stage I would ring the police and social services about him. Take the phone off your daughter. Find the biggest man you know and get him to collect her from school each day.
Ring the school and tell them you want to speak the school principal. Tell the school principal what is happening and unless him/her start to act upon what you told them about him the police will be in school.

Your right to be worried about this lad. Tell your daughter that what he is doing to her is wrong and she does not have to do what he wants or do what he says.
She is 13. Your the adult here and it time for social services and the police to be involved. This lad needs to be stopped.

I know that some girls seem to think they are nothing without a boyfriend but she is 13. She may not like what your doing now but she can't deal with this and your the adult here.

I also agree with giving her a dumb phone and you know the passwords. He could be asking her for nudes. You have her phone at night. You keep checking it every night.
No Snapchat also.

If she won't do what you ask she has no phone. Tell her she can go to the school secretary if she needs to ring you. Try and have him and her in separate classes.
Get teachers and pastoral staff to watch them as much as possible. Get them to keep splitting them up through the day.

His parents obviously don't care about what he is up to so the police need to be involved also.

Problem with the dumb phone is the lack of tracker. I’d be wanting to see where she is right now.

That didn't need saying.

Thank you all for the reassurance and suggestions. A dumb phone is an option but I would want to be able to track her as i do currently. I am definitely going to report to social services, speak with the school again and I think I am going to log with the police as I think his behaviour needs to be recorded for any future incidents/escalations.

You could get an AirTag for her keys if she had a dumb phone