Worried about 13yo daughter

[Aconcernedmum43]

I am really worried about my 13 yo daughter and I am not sure if my worry is over the top or if people would be as genuinely concerned as me.

Previous history of domestic abuse with my daughters dad so that may be fuelling my reaction.

My daughter is involved with a boy of the same age as her. He has been displaying some quite some concerning behaviors towards her. For example, he was asking for her passwords and checking her phone and social media, asking her to end friendships with other boys and pressurising her to kiss him. I made her delete him from her phone and changed all her passwords. However, he managed to get in touch with her and told her it was none of my business and changed the settings to disappearing messages. I involved his parents and the school and attempted to keep him away and them apart but she continously sees him on and off in secret. I came across a message from him that said he couldn't trust her anymore because he was unable to check her phone but that he wanted 'to work on it together'.

I have tried everything and she just will not stay away from him. I just cannot get through to her.

She recently came home with bruises on her body that that she dismissed as them play fighting. She went on to tell me that they had been seeing each other again but that he wanted to end it because he told her his ''jealousy is too much''. I involved his parents again but on that very same day he was in touch with her again telling her to keep disappearing messages on and change the names in their phones. He has told her that his dad has said my daughter ''will be accussing him of raping her next.'' It doesn't matter what I do or what I say, she will not stay away from him and vice versa.

I now want to involve social services and maybe even the police as a safeguarding issue however some people have told me I am over reacting? I genuinely fear that my daughter is at risk from this boy, particularly if his behaviours begin to escalate and i am so anxious about it. I feel absolutely powerless in keeping them apart.

What are peoples thoughts on this?
If I report to social services, what action, if any, are they likely to take?

I have a 13yo for context. At that age you absolutely can ground her, or take her phone and give her a brick phone instead (you pay the phone bill!). You are the boss. I would personally put her on a brick. My son knows that I reserve the right to do that if he's irresponsible with his phone.

Just to add, my argument is that she hasn't demonstrated enough maturity to have access to a smart phone or social media. Handing over your devices and passwords to other people is incredibly unsafe and unwise for all sorts of reasons.

I absolutely agree. Thank you for your advice.

It doesn't sound like she's ready for a phone - maybe take it back until she's a bit older? And have her come straight back from school - you can't have her in his house, perhaps when his parents aren't there.

Seconded on the advice about contacting social services.

I have contacted the school and detailed my concerns and all the incidents. I received a phone call pretty much saying that there isn't much they can do as ny daughter ''is keeping herself in the situation.'' Very little understanding of abuse and coercive control it seems. I am going to do a social work referral.

Im wondering whether you have ever talked honestly and vulnerably about the dv which you suffered? Not in a teaching “I got out which was the sensible decision “ type way. But in a “it was so confusing for me, I couldn’t get my head straight, everyone said he was bad news but he made me feel loved” type way?
It would need some thinking about how to approach it if the perpetrator was her dad, but it might connect in a way that other conversations haven’t?

Where is she seeing this boy? At school?

If not, I’d question why a 13 year old is allowed to be out seeing who she likes. We are all different, but I’ve been through teenage years with my now 23 year old. They were not allowed to wander around and see/do as they pleased. 13 years old is still a child.

She’s 13. She can have friends over to the house.

Shes a child. You get to say who comes to your house. There’s no reason for her to be off in groups.

Mine wasn’t allowed that and he’s turned out just fine and very independent. My daughter is about to turn 12. She will not be allowed to go out and about either.

Thats how you keep them out of situations like this.

You can also take away her phone. Buy her a brick one if she’s coming to and from school so she can only contact you. Check it to make sure you know any added contacts and check messages.

It’s a bit pricey but you can get a device called ‘brick’ that lets you block any app fully effectively from a smartphone, so you can completely block snapchat and all browsers (need to make sure you do separately block all browsers or there are loopholes), then have whatsapp messages duplicate on your computer, and you’ll be able to check location and she won’t be left out of group chats but without the ability to use other apps

You couldn't be overreacting ENOUGH in my opinion! I'm sorry, I don't mean to scare you, but these things can escalate into something very serious.__

@Aconcernedmum43 yes I would report it the police too but in my area a team that also includes the Police would look at this case but every area is different so I would still report it to them