Partner being at hospital when female friend gives birth, AIBU to hate it?

[BeetrootBrownies]

Been with my partner for a year - the relationship relatively quickly and I moved into his home at 6 months. Partly because I was living with my parents at the time and needed to get away for my own sanity, but also because we were madly in love and felt ready. It’s been lovely.

He has a female friend called Mia. They met 4 years ago through a shared hobby. They bonded because they are both from the same home country and neither have family in the UK. They have never had a sexual relationship, DP is adamant about this and I believe him as she has been in the same relationship with another man (who we will call Josh) throughout her and DP’s friendship.

6 months ago (just before I moved in) I was at DP’s house having a quiet night in when he gets a voice note from Mia in a state asking if they can meet for lunch to next day for a catch-up. DP asked her what the problem was and she said she needed to vent about Josh, she insisted she wanted to meet in person before saying anymore because she had a lot to go over.

I went home the next day. Wasn’t particularly worried about their lunch together as I genuinely believe they’ve never had a sexual relationship and they very much have a brother/sister type relationship and she has been seen to make childish gagging/shuddering motions whenever he’s accidentally brushed passed her when we’ve been on double dates with her and Josh or even out for coffee just the 3 of us. She also likes me a lot and has been very excited and happy for DP throughout the development of our relationship. I was curious what she wanted to tell DP during the lunch but only from a place of nosiness rather than jealousy.

During this lunch Mia told DP that she was unexpectedly pregnant and Josh had been on board with it for a month before suddenly shitting himself and running a mile and moving back to the home country. Josh hasn’t been seen since other than half-hearted text responses every time she updates him about the pregnancy.

DP and Mia have continued their normal friendship routine throughout the pregnancy and meet up about once a week (she’s now on maternity leave and DP gets 3 days off a week so they get plenty of opportunity to meet up). Usually coffee shops or dinner. Sometimes I come, other times I don’t. DP has been moaning about the meet-ups lately saying that it is exhausting listening to her talk about pregnancy and issues with the baby’s father and he is struggling to relate. She’s also ask him to lend her money but he has shut that down. DP doesn’t want to take a step back from the friendship though as he does care about her. I can understand why she is in a state as I was present during a meet-up where she called the baby’s father and she put him on speakerphone to show us how awful he was being, he was indeed vile and she was in tears afterwards and I even ended up hugging her.

She’s now due to deliver in 2 weeks and DP knows all the details. Baby is big and she is a very small-build and she has been recommended a C-Section but she really wants to try for a natural birth unless it gets critical. She’s got an induction booked in to increase chances of her being able to deliver naturally. Given that she has no family or other friends, she wants DP present at the hospital. She has made it clear she doesn’t want him to see her pushing or the actual moment of birth, but she would like him present and on-hand to advocate her needs and support her during the labour. She is due to be induced on DP’s day off. She has no other family or friends and she said she is terrified to go through labour alone.

DP feels weirded out by it but says he can’t see how he can say no. DP says he thinks he is okay with it so long as he doesn’t see anything gruesome - the plan is he would leave the room once she starts pushing and come back a couple of hours after birth and see if she needs anything like food or practical items etc and meet the baby. Even though I have had no prior jealous feelings towards her, I feel this is just way too intimate. I know it sounds ridiculous but I want my DP’s first experience of supporting a woman through labour/childbirth to be with me when I have his baby in the future…does that make sense? I have visions of her grabbing his hand during contractions etc!

It’s all freaking me out a bit

This is actually a cruel to be kind scenario.

She needs to get out there and get as many friends who are pregnant or have babies as possible! like - NCT group type stuff - or literally post on a local facebook are there any mums having babies on X dates - and just start making baby buddies.

Ducks in a row ?

wtf

its not his baby

Maybe. But there’s something to be said for laying out the definites first and having a conversation afterwards.

The baby is due in 2 weeks, it’s a bit late for NCT but def a good idea to look up baby groups

She did her degree here and - presumably - has lived here ever since.

I can’t think of anyone from my school days who I would have wanted to do this with me 8-10 years on (estimating duration) if I had moved country straight after school. Nor who would be able to or want to take a week or so off at a fortnight’s notice to do something pretty intimate for me!

She needs to get in touch with a doula who can support her with the birth and post birth

He’s done the right thing and it was absolutely right to do it by text rather than in person - right for her aswell as him. It sounds like his ‘cruelness’ was firmness in order to make sure she understood and didn’t try to argue or persuade him. He says he was uncomfortable at some of her conversations - yet she ploughed on. She clearly wasn’t considering him at all. His ‘cruelness’ was necessary to stop this. Her angry reaction shows she was using him for her own benefit. I still think she was subconsciously or consciously lining him up to play a dad role.

She needs proper support - now and during the birth, but also afterwards with a young baby. Your partner stepping away will allow her to focus on getting that support.

glad that he came to his senses without you having to get a word in

So if you knew someone was struggling you wouldn’t reach out to a professional & let them know? You would let them do it themselves?
Mia wouldn’t be any the wiser so no boundaries will be crossed. And people wonder why people have mental health problems……& hurt themselves because they feel alone. Shocked by your lack of empathy or concern.

Mia wouldn’t be any the wiser so no boundaries will be crossed.

That is NOT how boundaries work!! Contacting HCPs about someone else is a major intrusion.

No health care professional should entertain a conversation about one of their patients with a random member of the public. Can you imagine the fallout if someone wanted to cause trouble for an ex, for example?!

ETA and why would OP know the full name
of Mia’s midwife, or her GP surgery?

He wasn't being cruel, he was being very clear and setting boundaries with her. That's actually the kind thing to do.

She's starting to obsess over your partner and is trying to force him into the role of her baby's dad. She's been emotionally dumping on him constantly and I think going around publicly with him where he's been taken for the dad is her trial run at forcing him into that role, as was him being her labour support. He's not her baby's dad and it would be very unkind to let her pretend he is. He had to shut that down and he has.

She's made him extremely uncomfortable and her requests for money and that he be there for birth support are way out of her lane. She's going to have to access professional support. She's getting prenatal care and she should be telling them her situation. They know what's out there far better than your partner and can steer her to services.

Can I also add that my husband was completely useless during my first birth, he was great for the other 3 but the first one he really was a waste of space! Mia needs someone with some birth experience to help her through this, rather than some random guy she happens to know.

Firm but fair. I'm glad he spoke up about how he has been feeling, as well as removing himself from her expected role of birth partner. It would never end.

I am sure Mia is cross. She needed someone to take the place of her ex, and had lined up your dp. She is being very, very unreasonable.

This conversation should have happened months ago, far better to be clear and transparent now, than to try and pull back once she has given birth.

He still needs to take a step back in my view, or she will just try her luck again post baby. You can both visit the baby together, and wish her well. That’s it. Focus on your own relationship and future together.

She's done a degree here but she "has no friends"??!!!

Scans aren’t accurate you know. My scan said I was a month further on then I actually was. I was artificially inseminated and monitored weekly afterwards so I know exactly when I conceived.

Uni friends may all live in other places/have young kids of their own so they can’t take several days off to be an on call birth partner

I hope you all get to taste your own medicine at some point in your lives x

I've laboured alone, through a tricky labour in incredibly tough circumstances (my older child was seriously ill). And no way would I have asked another woman's partner to be by my side

Strange post. Could you clarify?

Ethically there's nothing wrong with contacting an HCP if you're worried about someone. The HCP won't discuss the case, they'll just make a note of the information and take it from there. It's the right thing to do if out of options and a person won't or can't help themselves.

@BeetrootBrownies is no one from her family able to fly over for a couple of weeks? Could she give birth in her home country? Or are there visa and cost implications to all of this?

Yes this is what I did when I was very concerned about an elderly neighbour. I rang her doctors surgery, said I knew they couldn't even confirm whether she was a patient but that I wanted to pass on concerns (basically she had been telling her doctors everything was fine when it really wasn't).

However, this was acceptable because I had a genuine concern for her safety.

That's not the case here, the woman will be fine- she just fancies playing husband and wife with @BeetrootBrownies 's partner

Thanks for the clarification @UmmH

I still think it would be a massive crossing of boundaries for OP to contact a HCP about a friend of her partner’s (who isn’t threatening self harm or anything of that nature). The PP seemed to think because Mia wouldn’t know about it, no boundaries would be crossed.

You don't ask someone else's bloke to watch you give birth. The thought shouldn't even enter your head.

Could she give birth in her home country? Or are there visa and cost implications to all of this?

She is due in a couple of weeks so unlikely to be allowed to fly, plus she has a specific birth plan (induction in an attempt to avoid a c section) which a different group of doctors might/might not also support.