My dad pushed my DS age 4

[clinellwipe]

Visited my parents with baby and DS4 (awaiting autism assessment, is verbal). My dad (I am CERTAIN is autistic) is very playful with my son, my son adores him. But he does run out of patience.

My dad taught my son years ago how to blow raspberries. They both do it to each other as a game, do it on FaceTime too etc.

We all are on the tail end of a flu virus. My dad is irritable because he can’t cope with feeling unwell.

Anyway, whilst I was upstairs with the baby, my son was downstairs with my parents. My son blew a raspberry at him. My dad then pushed him (in an angry, get away type way) and my son fell onto the sofa. My son thinks this is hilarious and a game because why else would his beloved grandad push him etc. My mum immediately told off my dad. My dad then says “shall I just bugger off then ?”. My dad has driven off in his car about an hour ago, no idea where and to be honest none of us are particularly fussed. It’s for the best he’s not here.

I’m fuming. My mum knows he shouldn’t have done it but doesn’t want cause a drama. My DH thinks it was a stupid thing to do but says that my dad is “like that”.

I don’t particularly want to come here for Christmas Day now as I don’t want my dad to get so angered , perhaps if he can’t cope around my son he shouldn’t be made to spend time with us. But my son adores my parents and it would upset my mum if we didn’t go.

Am I overreacting?

Yes, I think you are. A big wet raspberry full of cold and snot being blown at you when not playing is not pleasant. He should have been more careful moving him away, but he clearly didn't push your son hard as he thought it was a game.

Thank you for responding. I obviously have my mum hat on and want to try and see things more objectively.

I'm so sorry this happened, if anything you are under reacting. Forget Christmas, my little one wouldn't be around that man again. He assaulted a four year old for doing something he taught him! The reasoning behind the assault doesn't matter, he is an adult, your son is a very young child and as his mother it is your job to protect him. I'm sorry but your mum sounds like a complete melt.

I think the best way to approach this is to think, if this were my ILs, not my parents, would I want my son to be around them?

For me depends on his reaction when your Dad comes back.

It all depends on whether you can have a reasonable,adult conversation with the man or not and if he cares about hurting you/your son(physically or emotionally).

You weren’t in the room so don’t know how “angry” he was, your son wasn’t hurt in any way .. in fact he thought it was fun.

Sounds much more like your Mum over-reacted (and her’s is the only viewpoint you have) to some childish horseplay, that didn’t bother your Son in anyway.

You’ve now reacted to your Mum’s view … and now we have a massive mountain out of a tiny molehill.

Well it depends on how he reacts when he comes back. Why didn't he just say "don't do that anymore, you'll spread germs onto me. Let's watch tv"

Sounds like my twat MIL second husband who used to hype the kids up wrestling and being rough, then be passive aggressive and moody when the kids wouldn't leave him alone! And he'd never just use his words and say "I'm done playing now." Always just making comments about feral kids and punishments! And once I did tell my kids to chill then he'd be all "oh no it's okay" and start it up all over again. Omg! Sorry.

Anyway if he apologises to you and DS without passive aggression and understands he needs to stop with the messing around so much then that's okay, I think. Did DH see how hard he pushed him? I would be watching like a hawk from now on same with mum. Maybe shorter visits from now on

This.

He’s left the house in a huff and driven off? He sounds like a knob.

I agree with other posters to give him the benefit of the doubt when he comes back as you were not there and your DS saw it as a game.

To be honest, teaching your son to “blow raspberries” is a bit of an inconsiderate/immature thing for a grandparent to do. Its unhygienic, anti-social and hugely irritating - not the kind of thing you want your son doing in school. Hopefully your Dad realises this now - because obviously your DS is going to do it to your Dad as he was the one who taught him the “game”. Did your Dad just thing he’s get it on the phone and you’d have to deal with it in real life?

Thst reaction (leaving) actually made me wonder if there was already an underlying disagreement between him and his wife or something from before OPs family arrived. Especially when pp has already suggested mum overreacted in telling him off - maybe none of it is actually about the push.

OP, I would just keep an eye on it for now, seeing as DC wasn't hurt or upset and saw it as playful and your DH didn't think much of it (or did he not see?). To be clear, if it happened again it wouldn't matter if DC picked up on it or not!!

Why does dh say your dad is ‘like that’? Is there more history to this kind of behaviour? The fact that he drove off in a huff makes him sound like a bit of a man child.

Yuk. No good comes of teaching a child to blow raspberries.
But if your child thought it was a game, he can’t have been pushed that hard?

Unless there’s more to it I’d let it rest. It sounds like everyone is getting over a cold/flu and feeling a bit less tolerant than usual and your dad reacted. Again unless there’s more to it I think your dad was wise to remove himself from the situation - when tempers are flared getting some space can be a good thing.

Your son is fine, he obviously didn’t register your dad’s annoyance and thought it was part of a game. He’s 4 so won’t know when to stop, yes your dad should have handled it better but is it worth blowing up over?

Blowing raspberries is not something I would encourage

The appropriate response to an unwanted raspberry is to calmly say, please don't do that. It is not to push a child. I would raise that with your Dad because children don't always read the room correctly and need to be gently guided. Your father needs to learn to use his words.

His reaction is very concerning.
He pushed your son to avoid spit, which may just have been a completely automatic response.

His response and leaving, which you are glad about is concerning.

Staying a home for Christmas could be wise and more peaceful.

Maybe a short visit another day.
Grumpy men do not cope with active grandchildren and women who have tolerated their husbands increased grumpiness often pay the price when their children dramatically reduce visits.

If it is a once off and your father is recovering I would be a lot more forgiving.
But short visits are often best.

The chuld has been taught this is a fun game, though.

The push was hard enough fir the child to fall. If the sofa hadn't been there, the child wouldn't have thought it a fun game.

Grandad can't be trusted around kids if he can't regulate his emotions.

You aren't wrong to be concerned by your dad's reaction here.

If the reaction to grandma pulling him up on it had be "sorry DC, I didn't mean to push that hard, I was just trying to move you away because I'm not enjoying raspberries, and I should have been more careful" then I write it of as an accidentally went to far. The hour long car sulk makes me worry that he thinks it's acceptable to push a child, so on that basis I'd be warry of allowing them to be together.

What happened when he came back?

He’s a 4 year old child. You are wrong

He was playing a game taught to him by his GF.

Total overreaction. You obviously know your dad and he's not violent otherwise you wouldn't have a good relationship with your parents full stop. Agree with the mountain out of molehill POV.

You were not there, your son thought it a game and loves his grandfather. So you keep your eyes open but your mouth shut. Could have been anything from just grandad's arm fending him off and your son falling to make it a game to a vicious shove but you dont know and the former seems more likely.

Whats wrong with it?