My dad pushed my DS age 4

[clinellwipe]

Visited my parents with baby and DS4 (awaiting autism assessment, is verbal). My dad (I am CERTAIN is autistic) is very playful with my son, my son adores him. But he does run out of patience.

My dad taught my son years ago how to blow raspberries. They both do it to each other as a game, do it on FaceTime too etc.

We all are on the tail end of a flu virus. My dad is irritable because he can’t cope with feeling unwell.

Anyway, whilst I was upstairs with the baby, my son was downstairs with my parents. My son blew a raspberry at him. My dad then pushed him (in an angry, get away type way) and my son fell onto the sofa. My son thinks this is hilarious and a game because why else would his beloved grandad push him etc. My mum immediately told off my dad. My dad then says “shall I just bugger off then ?”. My dad has driven off in his car about an hour ago, no idea where and to be honest none of us are particularly fussed. It’s for the best he’s not here.

I’m fuming. My mum knows he shouldn’t have done it but doesn’t want cause a drama. My DH thinks it was a stupid thing to do but says that my dad is “like that”.

I don’t particularly want to come here for Christmas Day now as I don’t want my dad to get so angered , perhaps if he can’t cope around my son he shouldn’t be made to spend time with us. But my son adores my parents and it would upset my mum if we didn’t go.

Am I overreacting?

He was out of order. I hope he apologises. I personally wouldn’t ban him from seeing my child over a one off incident like this, but i’d be making it clear that if it happened again, I would be.

If this is a one off as your dad is feeling ill then I would not overreact. A conversation around how it made you feel and what is appropriate. It could be your dad is beside himself and it will make him feel terrible. If so that’s positive and likely won’t happen again. Don’t make it something it’s not - from what you have said your son doesn’t appear to have been scared.
However, If it is an ongoing pattern then you need to take some action and your son should not be around your dad without you there.
I would also stop the raspberry blowing, it doesn’t transfer socially and if your son has been taught this is ‘normal’ could be problematic.

You have no idea how hard he pushed him and it was the grandad who taught him to blow raspberries all the time!

Hmmm I’m not sure on this one. Pushing a 4 year old onto a sofa is not on. Neither is teaching or allowing children to blow raspberries it’s disgusting. However, your father encouraged this and now I’d doesn’t suit him he’s reacted by effectively lashing out, when all he had to do was explain to the wee one that it’s not appropriate.

I wouldn’t trust him with my child on his own, ever again to be honest. My father was very like this, happy one minute then could turn in an instant.

You NEED to have a conversation with your father about this. He needs to recognise what he’s done and apologise.

@clinellwipe I would sit down with your dad and tell him if he ever lays another finger on your child in anger or as a punishment, it will be the last time he sees him. I would expect an apology from him and if he makes excuses or blames your son, it's time to leave and tell him to reflect on his behaviour and get in touch if his feelings change. He did not hurt your son this time! Your dad has massive issues.

thanks for responses, and it’s interesting that there’s a variety of opinions.

We left about an hour after my Dad left so haven’t spoken to one another. I imagine it won’t get brought up.

I work so hard to keep my son regulated and I think my mum has had to do the same for my dad for the last 40 years. Having them (my dad and my son) together in the same environment it’s difficult having to manage them both but I’d hope the 69 year old would be better at regulating himself than the 4 year old!

thanks again

Quite.

Why did you visit if you all had colds, though?

We all have the same virus. My son gave it to my mum when she helped with childcare (she was aware he was unwell and was ok with visiting) , my dad caught from her. My son gave it to the rest of us. This was two weeks ago and we are out the other end but with residual coughs .

This. You weren't even there.

And his grandfather over reacted ans needs challenging on that behaviour.

I play football with my kids. I still expect them to not smash a football in my face when I'm sat on the sofa.

It’s a horrible thing

Oh how very MN. Ever heard of rough and tumble and playfulness? When they were younger If my kids does something silly or annoying and I’ve told them to stop and they do it again I’ll absolutely push them on the sofa. So would DH, or he would pick them up and through them on the bed. MN is utterly obsessed in seeing violence and aggression everywhere even in perfectly healthy play fighting or rough and tumble.

Wheres that bloody laugh emoji gone! Can we please get an eye roll instead then??

I think you are over reacting. Your mum handled the situation perfectly. It’s good your dad has gone for a bit to get in a better frame of mind. He knows he was wrong. He isn’t likely to do it again. Your DS thinks it was a joke, so leave it at that.

id go back at Christmas.

It was a knee jerk reaction. He probably left to be alone so he could regulate himself. Autism runs in families, he could be where your son inherited it from.

It annoys the life out of me when children are taught things, do them and then get into trouble. My son in law taught and encouraged my GC (his DNs) to jab-jab-punch. It's surprising how hard a four year old can do this and they are genital height. He soon stopped. This needs to be stopped, I'm starting to get lingering illness via the childcare I do and we have to have distance between us. Spitting in each other's faces, would mean constant respiratory stuff being passed back and forth.

I dont know how some prople make it through life when every tiny incident becomes a huge drama. What a fuss.

Such drama over a non event.

You’re all overreacting, frankly. Except your son.

Your dad sounds pathetic, I would find it hard to find any respect for him being physical with a 4yr old. He should have used his words like a big boy and asked your son to not do raspberries when he has a cold, especially since he was the one that taught him to do it in the first place.

I would keep my eye on him from now, he sounds like a toddler and not a great role model for your son.

I don't think he should be putting his hands on a 4 year old.

You will have taught the kids in your life to play football outside.

Grandad here has taught his grandson to blow raspberries in his face whilst, among other situations, sitting indoors.

Laugh away, leave your kids in the care of an angry man and his minimising wife. I have standards for the people in my DCs life as I was once that kid who was pushed around (and yes once or twice I did laugh, it's called a fawning laugh)

I imagine that your DF knows what he did was not great, and that going for a drive was his way of dealing with the shame and regulating his emotions by removing himself from the situation.

I do think you might need to take your DF to one side and discuss that your son needs extra help with emotional regulation and is going to struggle with cues that everyone else is no longer enjoying a game, or that something that was funny in one context is not in another. So the grown ups around him need to tell him clearly and firmly when a game is getting too silly - even if with another child you might let it fizzle out. But if your DF also has trouble recognising his emotions, you and your DM might need to step in when games get too silly - but your DF needs to know why you're doing that.