Should I just put my money directly in the bin?

[ThedaBara]

My daughter has mild SEN, goes to a mainstream school and is doing well.
Over the years she has managed to lose nearly every item of clothing i have provided her with for school - she came home wearing someone else's socks once and couldn't explain where hers had gone!

She's in year 6 now and her school are doing leavers hoodies. She's had hers a week and it's gone. I do have to buy her another one, everyone else in class wears theirs daily and she's very distressed at being the only one without one. She's offered for it to come out of her savings, which i won't do, but it shows that she understands that all these things cost money.

What can i do to improve this situation? She'll be going to secondary next year and I can't buy her a new blazer for every day of the year!

Grateful for any tips from parents with SEN, or butter fingered children!

Are you marking her clothing, with sew or iron-in labels and indelible ink on the tags? Is your DD a soft target for anyone who has lost their own clothing?

Where has she lost it and how much effort are you putting into finding it?

I don’t know how her SEN manifests, but is she feeling natural consequences of leaving things (having to spend time looking for them, missing what she wants to do to go shopping, money from her savings, going without) - as those are the reasons most people try not to lose things. Obviously SEN might make this harder for her, but that’s not true for all SEN people.

I think teaching her mechanisms to help her stop losing things. Every time she stands up to and moves away, make her check if anything is left behind. My mum has done this with us since we could walk (and she does it herself noticeably every time she stands up) and even my very ADHD sister rarely loses things as it’s second nature to look back at what you’re leaving behind.

But I can’t believe this hoody isn’t findable! Either someone has two, or it’s in lost property…

What helped slightly at this age for my son was for me to name everything and for him to have a checklist attached to his bag. At the end of the day the teacher would remind him to check his list. He also had a basket underneath his desk to put his stuff. That won’t help for secondary but could try and get her into better habits. However my son is now 14 and loses stuff all the time and I’m yet to find a solution for secondary school.

Firstly... are you 100% sure she's losing things not someone hiding them?

Secondary school... the easiest place to lose things is the PE changing room. Start training her to place everything except blazer and shoes inside the bag. Especially the Tie. Write her name on the reverse of the tie in Perm Marker.

Mark the bag clearly with her name on the outside.

I dont have air tag, but seen an article this morning mentioning one. Can you air tag things so uou can track them?

I was so glad when my ds1 went to a special school for secondary. I machine embroidered his surname on the back of his clothes in a matching thread. It was visible but subtle iygwim.

Then I found these

https://attachatag.com/?ppc_keyword=attach%20a%20tag&msclkid=975b94add05710e11385fd8f088f8c65&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Search%20-%20Brand&utm_term=attach%20a%20tag&utm_content=Brand%20-%20Core

They can be placed inside on a label or visible in a discreet place on the garment eg near the hem of a sweatshirt. Teachers actually commented how easy they were for them to find the owners.

Stating the obvious I know but label EVERYTHING. I work in a school snd the number of lost jumpers, coats etc is crazy and none of them have names in

As for a leavers hoody, it must be there somewhere. It has her name on- it's not literally disappeared. Can you go into school and help her look? Have you talked to her teacher?

Our son was like this, due to where we live he has fairly pricey winter gear, he also has the memory of an amoeba, I sewed an airtag into each item. His coat was once behind the cupboards in his form room “oh yeah my coat was on there when I was helping tidy” so he’s obviously helped tidy by shoving stuff behind the bloody cupboard.

On top of normal name tags I used to sew a bit of red ribbon in bottom of sleeve. I told teacher I had done this too. He just used to have to look in sleeves of coats and sweatshirts. He somehow found it easier to find them.

Just to second this. Name absolutely everything. Water bottles, bags, every garment preferably with sewn in name tapes (sorry) including all sports kit and shoes.

😖

My children have SEN and are like this. Those pre printed stickers are handy when you are in a rush. Also ask staff to have a look around. Usually items can be found.

This is a bit mean but I have suggested I can only make up 50% of the cost to replace items and asking for a 50% contribution from their savings. Suddenly they were a bit more interested in the whereabouts of said items.

Thank you to everyone who has responded! Just to answer a few questions. She has name tags in everything (even her shoes!). She goes to the most fay and mimsy school for wimps imaginable, all the kids are very sweet and I'm 100% sure nobody is nicking her stuff.
If the hoody was in the school we would have had it back, i suspect she left it at an after-school activity. She has to change into a kit and the activity is held in a rented hall. I wasn't the one picking her up on that particular day or i would have done a look before leaving! The next time i spoke to the instructor a week had passed and he didn't have a clue. I am trying to get in touch with the owners of the hall, I am trying to get to the bottom of it, i promise!
I've tried for years to teach her to make sure she has all her stuff, and will continue to do so.
Airtag in the secondary blazer is a great idea!

I wouldn't replace the hoody. Things mean less when you replace them. I've had 3 with SEN so I get it.

AirTags for the important stuff.

AirTags.
name labels down sleeves as well as in more obvious places. Sharpies write on anything and reduce the labelling chore.

I don’t know how achievable this is but for activities where she gets changed the clothes that come off go in the bag when the clothes that are going on come out.

All of this should be done in one spot, no wandering. Ideally the same spot every time. Is a bit like the floor is lava but for possessions where everything is lava but your bag.

Take out clothes.
Take off top clothes, put in bag, put on top clothes.
Shoes off, socks off and put one sock in each shoe. or tights in a shoe and put in bag.
take off bottom stuff, put in bag, put on bottom stuff.
Put on shoes.

reverse if she needs to get changed again. It keeps the number of items which need remembered to one bag.

If water bottles/lunch bags are frequently missing switch to disposable versions. It’s a reasonable adjustment for both of you.

I use this technique myself (AuDHD) and have taught my ND children it. Do I always do it - NO! But even doing it a lot of the time reduces the possession shedding in unknown locations and the mental self flagellation that result.

The username is ironic btw. 😁

You've had some good tips on here and it sounds like you're doing all you can. But just wanted to add that it's always worth a weekly check that the name tags are still in place. I use those stikins labels which are pretty durable but occasionally they have come loose and fallen off after several washes.

When we were losing multiple school scarves I embroidered my DDs initials quite visibly on them. Didn’t lose any more. Harder to unpick than just snipping off a name tag.

My son was like this. He came home one day in some tatty grey trousers and someone else got his new pair. Sewn in label but they're easily removed as mentioned. 😐

My son was like this in primary school. I got so annoyed and at the school’s absolute lack of effort to help him that I wrote his name in big letters in permanent marker on the front on his school polo t shirts 😂 as I think some of his things were being stolen… he never lost one again!

my daughter is now the same in secondary school and has lost a lot of expensive school uniform 🫠 it’s so hard. She feels so bad about it and I always try to support her by buying new or helping her find stuff and reminding her to follow her processes for putting stuff in the right place (her pocket or bag etc so it doesn’t get lost) as at the end of the day ADHD is a disability.

both kids are diagnosed ADHD btw

We put our phone number on all the sew-in tags and they're the ones that require a good few stitches going into the back of the neck so they would have to be cut out or unpicked if someone was that way minded. I also sew them wrapped around gloves and scarves like a little 'made by X tag'.

So name on one line and then my number on the next, things are easily returned then if left in or out of school. I also put my phone number on sets of keys and anything else that can be left and had many things returned to me over the years (I'm clearly where my kids get it from!).

Sometime paying for things makes you stop losing it

My DH kept losing his keys. I bought him bigger key rings. Still lost. I bought him a curly belt chain thing. Still lost it. I bought him a gag gift from Flying Tiger that was a lanyard that said Dads Keys. Still lost it.

He would come to my work place and collect my keys. Well one time he lost my keys before he got new keys and had to pay £300 for a lock smith. He didn’t lose them again.

There is no consequence for her losing her stuff. SEN or not she needs to learn strategies.

My kids school has a second hand sale, I go and pick up extra jumpers for £1, and they also give away free some that are in poor condition. Knowing I won't be buying another new one and they'll have to wear a usable but ugly looking one helps cut down on loss.

Oh yes, losing keys is my nightmare! We have a lock that only takes a specialised key so getting copies cut is PITA. I don't doubt that's in my future 😫