Should I just put my money directly in the bin?

[ThedaBara]

My daughter has mild SEN, goes to a mainstream school and is doing well.
Over the years she has managed to lose nearly every item of clothing i have provided her with for school - she came home wearing someone else's socks once and couldn't explain where hers had gone!

She's in year 6 now and her school are doing leavers hoodies. She's had hers a week and it's gone. I do have to buy her another one, everyone else in class wears theirs daily and she's very distressed at being the only one without one. She's offered for it to come out of her savings, which i won't do, but it shows that she understands that all these things cost money.

What can i do to improve this situation? She'll be going to secondary next year and I can't buy her a new blazer for every day of the year!

Grateful for any tips from parents with SEN, or butter fingered children!

Firstly, to the people that are mentioning consequences some SEN diagnosis means that consequences just don’t feature and cannot be understood . My 14 year-old has lost everything possible - including replacements for the things he has lost -many times over throughout all his school years. You can label everything but believe me, it’s very hard to get things back. Somewhere out there there is a world full of his blazers, keys, PE kits , whole school bags with book in them , pencil cases, shoes, ties, and the number of other things.! He even loses expensive things that he has bought with his own money and bar tying them onto him.. we are out of ideas. Acceptance and not buying expensive goods is the only way we have stayed sane. We are poorer as a result but this is the child we have . He’s always sorry but bemused . Hope the things suggested work for you and you have better results than us …good luck. !

You could get a Lockbox for the front door keys , they are quite inexpensive and quite easy to install x

These look really good, I might order some… In the pictures online is look like the surface of them is a bit rough (worried about sensory issues). Or is that just the pictures and they’re actually smooth? Would seem odd for them to be made with a rough surface if they’re meant for labelling clothes!

Name everything. Be prepared that you have to replace everything, so buy cheap lunch boxes, water bottles, pens, pencil cases.

Photograph timetables as soon as they get a new one. Photograph logins for online learning.

Keep last year’s uniform because frankly, a blazer that’s a bit too small is better than nowt. Well it’s not that you don’t have it, it’s because invariably with SEN they will be anxious they don’t have it. And having something that’s passable at least lets you get them in the car in the morning.

Teach checking at transition points. We make a big thing of checking just before we leave the house. Just before they leave the car. Again at pick up, we check - not because they’re going to go back in and get it at secondary, more because if you can pin point when/where it was lost you stand a chance of finding it again.

For secondary, don’t get a small bag. I know with SEN child it’s tempting, but it’s taking stuff in/out the bag to get a PE kit or trainers or pencil case that means everything doesn’t go back in.

But the best advice is prepare for things to go missing. We have spare timetables printed out because inevitably, it isn’t there in the morning. We have stacks of pens because inevitably they’ve come home with four rulers and three highlighters that weren’t theirs and no pens you sent them with. And allow consequences to happen, sometimes a smidge of anxiety helps.

DD1 lost her long sleeved PE top in Y7, and I refused to replace it new - I got a 2nd hand one but she wouldn't wear it because it previously belonged to a boy! She froze all winter and hasn't lost anything since, she knows to double check after PE now.

😀My son lost so many keys that, at one time, if anyone found a key in the street in our town, it would almost certainly fit my door!

Air tag stuff in inconspicuous places. Just because she has SEN and doesn't keep track of things and goes to a 'nice' school, doesn't mean someone isn't stealing from her.

I 'lost' quite a lot of PE kit as a child. Later it was discovered that another girl in my class was a compulsive thief. She was a very 'nice' girl from a good family who would definitely have bought her anything she needed and at first noone could believe it.

My daughter doesnt have SEN so apologies if this is inappropriate.

She lost 3 jumpers in 1 term. I told her that Id replace them but if she lost them again, she would pay for the replacements. She lost 1, I took (some!) of her pocket money to contribute to a new jumper. She hasnt (so far!) lost anything else.

She wasnt losing them, I expect jumpers etc to go missing. She was being careless and not looking after them.

I also found that branded items (ie the "posh" jumpers etc with the school logo) would mysteriously disappear faster than plain old Tescos jumpers. Strange that.

I would actually take the money out of her savings and perhaps she will care about this one. I understand that it’s not her fault (my son has ADHD and did the same) but she may make more of an effort if she paid for it herself. You could put the money away and keep it for her.

My offspring are no longer in school. But while they were I had the equivalent of a stationery cupboard/uniform shop. Controlled by me, not free access.

Bulk buy cheap pencils, pens, rulers, rubbers, highlighters. Spare calculator, tie. Yes to last years uniform.

Secondary school is way more moving locations with endless variations of what you need multiple times a day, and different every day than pretty much any job.

Its all fine and good to say suffer the consequences but in reality than can mean anxiety, school refusal, not admitting to not having stuff so not doing stuff and being punished. The whole thing spirals very quickly. Kids who are considered able enough to not have an adult doing all of this for them in school are equally able to know that they have a problem and to feel crap about themselves. “Just try harder, you wouldn’t lose it if you had to pay for it, it’s not that difficult, how can you not know where you left it.” Grrrrrrr. I’ve been paying for all my own stuff for nearly 40 years and I still lose things. Expensive things included.

It is a disability. Not a moral failing or lack of effort.

I clicked YABU because you should take her up on the offer to take it from savings. It will help her to develop these skills if the consequences fall on her a little.

@WellOrganisedWoman agree. The best thing for Adhd kuds (and adults) is to makr it as hard as possible to loose stuff.
We don’t do jumpers - too easy to loose. ski underwear under the shirt does the same job, cheaper and hard to loose. Keys, train pass etc are on retractable lanyards. checklists everywhere.
For changing, we have a bag-in-bag. all uniform goes directly in the bag, so it is less likely to get lost. PE socks are worn under uniform on PE days (trousers, and our pe socks are black at the bottom).
Airtag in bag and pe bag, plus my phone number - quite a lot of people call if they find something with a phone number.

I really agree. Also, around 50% of adults with ADHD have anxiety. I don’t mean they feel a bit anxious but have a diagnosable mental health condition, often due to being overwhelmed and overloaded.

Given that I’ve tended to limit
consequences to being required to look for lost items properly, even returning to school after the school day to go through lost property together.

Does it? I’ve seen no evidence for that with my ADHD dc at all.

@ThedaBara Would she be safe and reliable with a key safe? Rather than taking the keys about with her?
I’m nowhere near this level but do have dyslexia and autism (diagnosed as an adult) and was a nightmare loosing things for my mum - but when I cared for my grandma and we had a key safe fitted for the carers for her end of life care it was amazing because when I lost or forgot my keys I could still get it. Even with an airtag to retrieve a set it means you can still get in to have a wee!

I absolutely appreciate your daughter has SEN, and I know it's more difficult to not lose items but you need to start introducing consequences for lost clothing. You are correct, you can't start replacing a blazer weekly, because your daughter has lost it. Personally, I wouldn't replace the leavers hoodie or if you do, you take half of the cost from your daughter's savings. I think the checklist is a good idea, Airtag expensive items, and teach her how to take off her clothing and put into a bag. Once the children reach Year 6, they are expected to find their own belongings, because the school wants them to start taking responsibility. In secondary school, you won't be allowed into school to help, and her Tutor isn't going to be helping her either. Secondary school means moving to different classes for subjects and on top having to carry PE kits as well as coats. Perhaps try teaching her that once she thinks she's picked up her belongings, she needs to have one final check before leaving the classroom. It's a difficult transition from Junior school, where children have their own peg in the cloakroom to suddenly having to remember PE kits, coats, pencil cases, different books etc. My son is Year 10 (not SEN) and lost items from his PE kit in Year 7 - this is common and every year I see it on the school's parent Facebook page!! X left his PE kit in the changing rooms or X has come home with the wrong shirt etc.

@Sassylovesbooks consequences for lost items for children with ADHD are about as useful as consequences for not being able to run 800m for a wheelchair user. It only leads to anxiety and frustration.
Strategies - definitely. Reducing things that can be list, airtags, lanyards, all good idras

It could be kids picking on her and taking her clothes.

Keys, I'd invest in a key safe and have it properly installed (get a high quality one that isn't made of plastic) it will save you the anxiety, stress and cost of inevitably lost keys.

Also, would a printed checklist help her? It would be tricky to add non daily items to but definitely for secondary school, small enough to fit in her pocket. Support her in building the checklist into her routine, but things like blazer, shoes, socks, etc. will be daily.
You could create lots of different checklists, so one on the front door with all the things she needs daily for school. Blazer, PE kit, coat, water bottle etc.
One for getting ready jn the morning (socks changed, pants changed, teeth brushed, face washed etc.)

The concept that children and adults with identified additional needs/disabilities should be treated the same and expected to meet the same targets as those without is just wrong.

Just because it’s not physical doesn’t make it less real. We don’t make left handed people write with their right hand anymore. We don’t think wearing glasses weakens eyes so use should be limited.

People with hearing difficulties can have strategies, equipment, learn lip reading but you can’t claim they have the same audio input and experience as someone who doesn’t.

If her name is in everything and you’re certain nobody at school is stealing it, it has to be somewhere! The school must surely know if no one else has taken it home. Don’t you have a group WhatsApp with the other parents or anything? I’d be asking around personally.

I speak from personal experience. I have ADHD, just diagnosed.

When I was young, I forgot or lost everything all the time. It was just a gap. I eventually developed systems and routines which meant I never lose things.

Yes its painful learning the hard way, but its effective. And not only that, the compensatory systems I have developed make me incredibly effective, and I'm seen as incredibly organised at work, for example.

Sorry but why wearing a leavers hoodies now, and not when she’s actually leaving in June/July?
I assume some kids decided to wear them and everyone followed suit?

It won’t get any easier in secondary, probably much worse as when older they’ll expect a higher level of independence.
both my girls have autism, both ends of spectrum and I work in my daughters ex SEN school, we do our best to reunite clothes with right home but so hard with uniform items that aren’t named.
perhaps the leavers hoodies should have been personalized so they would have been no use to anyone else?!

So was it having to pay for lost property which made you develop those strategies?

I’m incredibly organised, at work. I have many strategies at least partly because they stop working after a while so I have to create new ones. One person with ADHD who has the capacity to continually run all the coping strategies required to function like you don’t have ADHD does not mean that everyone with ADHD has the same ability.

There are many studies on the amount of criticism received by people with ADHD versus NT peers and the impact it has. Estimates come in at about 20K more by age 10. There is a lot of room between shaming, blaming and making them pay to facilitating a free pass to YOLO.