Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that it’s sometimes better to stay in a bad marriage?

63 replies

Bookishworm · 23/11/2025 09:16

Recently separated and life is so much harder, kids are angry and navigating the break up, life is more complicated, ex is difficult, more grief and sadness and I only see my kids half the time 😔

I am filled with guilt at being the one to leave and break up the family, it really would have been better all round if I had never left and sucked it up so to speak. It wasn’t awful all the time and we could have some lovely moments together. But when it was bad it was very very bad.

Life really is so much worse than when I was married and we were all together. I have so much regret and think that it would have been better to have stayed (I did have valid reasons for leaving)

I think because the marriage was unhappy and toxic I felt like I would feel relieved and happy that I’m free but it’s the opposite. Life feels so hard now.

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 23/11/2025 09:18

It gets better and then you will feel the ease and happiness. The kids emotions are to be expected but (hopefully) they will settle into the new life.

NovemberRedHolly · 23/11/2025 09:18

Life is hard as a single mum but people will say to leave at the drop of a hat without understanding what the reality is actually like.

hattie43 · 23/11/2025 09:22

No . You are recently separated it will get easier as time goes on and you all gel into your new normal .

Original poster
Bookishworm · 23/11/2025 09:22

We are currently in limbo and not knowing if we might try again.

Pros -
I have a lovely home.
Nice friends.
I enjoy my job.
I have interests and hobbies I enjoy.

Cons -
I only see my children half the time
They are angry and I’ve inflicted pain upon them.
I am still dealing with ex’s difficult behaviour but it’s worse now as he’s also angry that I left him.
I’m missing and grieving the family home even though I do love my new home.
Life feels hard and just awful right now.
Family-I only have my elderly parents and when they are gone I will have no one, I don’t have a huge support network.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bookishworm · 23/11/2025 09:23

NovemberRedHolly · 23/11/2025 09:18

Life is hard as a single mum but people will say to leave at the drop of a hat without understanding what the reality is actually like.

The reality is very shitty unfortunately. If I listed the behaviours from my ex MN would say LTB but life is worse now unfortunately.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 23/11/2025 09:25

Can you imagine how much worse his behaviour is going to be if you go back? He'll punish you for leaving. You can build a life, with him you can't. How old are your children?

GooseyGandalf · 23/11/2025 09:26

FlowersWhat ages are the dc?

MatildaTheCat · 23/11/2025 09:27

If this huge change is very recent then it’s very likely that your emotions are all over the place. You’ve listed some great pros. I’d predict that within a year you’ll be feeling much more positive and confident.

Guildford321 · 23/11/2025 09:28

Abuse (if it was abuse...it sounds like it may have been) erodes you to the point where you're ultimately a shell of yourself. Don't subject yourself to that. Ever. I left an abusive relationship and I still miss him and mourn my old life and things are really tough but I absolutely HAD to leave. Your children may well be angry but you also can't allow them to be brought up in an abusive household. Tye guilt isn't on you, it's on him. Hold your head up high and don't put up with his anger towards you any longer. Just don't engage with it. Stick up for yourself. Tell him to fuck off and walk off, hang up the phone, don't reply to messages etc.

EmuFace · 23/11/2025 09:29

You are in a period of adjustment. I found life was harder as a single parent but when I look back at it, it is the part of my life I am proudest of.

Your happiness matters too. You must have had valid reasons for leaving or you wouldn’t have done it. Your ex’s behaviour won’t change. The children will adjust. Use your child-free time to build a support network. I am sure in 12 months’ time, this will all look very different.

researchers3 · 23/11/2025 09:29

It will get better and easier for all of you.

There were good reasons for you leaving.

The marriage doesn't sound viable long term so if you got back together you'd likely split up again which would be so destabilising for your children, and traumatic.

Good luck.

MrsPrendergast · 23/11/2025 09:33

It will get better

Make a list of EVERYTHING that he did or said over the years which upset you, made you frightened, made you angry. I mean every little thing

Now.. ... THAT is what you would be going back to

You say your ex is angry that you ended the relationship

What's he doing to win you back? What's he doing to change himself? What's he doing to make amends? What's he doing to show his remorse and sadness? What's he doing to make life easier for you , now he knows how badly you felt during the relationship?

Hmmm?

Give your head a wobble. Put your big girl knickers on. You're a fucking goddess. Why would you want or deserve a cunt?

ReceiveIt · 23/11/2025 09:33

This is the shit bit op. It always gets worse before it gets better. I'm about to go through mediation with ex dp and I'm expecting an almighty tantrum when he realises we won't be spending Christmas togther and that all future contact will be through a parenting app. But the anger will die down, your contact with him will reduce, your dc will settle into a new normal and one day you'll look back and wonder why you didn't do this years ago.

I saw a video recently that said 'follow the plan and not your mood'. Keep your eye on the end goal and not how you currently feel. Its perfectly normal to have doubts and want to give up to keep the peace. Keep going, you've got this 💪

user1492757084 · 23/11/2025 09:36

Is there any way ex will go into some type of anger management therapy so that communication between you both is kind? For the sake of a sustainably happy childhood for your children even though they have divorced parents..
Can you employ a mediator to discuss that?

Periperi2025 · 23/11/2025 09:47

I am at a similar point to you OP.
Living together separated, DD7 doesn't know yet (so not dealing with the fallout of that at the moment but utterly dreading it).
Trying to deal with all the conveyancing on my new house alone and with discretion so as not to upset/ offend STBxH.

I had counselling to get past the 'easier just to stay and suck it up' hurdle. I think sometimes at the moment things feel better than they have been for a long time but that is because there is light at the end of the tunnel for me so i can shrug every annoyance (and there are many) off with saying to myself 'well this is why I'm divorcing him'.

Is there any way you can work towards a more peaceful and amicable co parenting relationship with your ex. I found the book 'Consciously uncoupling' really helpful and thought provoking (by Katherine woodward thomas who coined the phrase which was then turned into a nausea inducing cliché by Gwyneth paltrow).

bigboykitty · 23/11/2025 09:50

Don't go back. Your ex sounds a nightmare and will only get worse. Did you leave the children with him?

Brightbluesomething · 23/11/2025 10:49

This is perfectly normal when a relationship ends and everyone is adjusting to the change. It gets better. I’m many years on and it was the best decision I ever made. DC’s are very happy and settled and exH is a much better parent and person than he was when we were together. That would never have happened if I’d stayed. We’d all still be miserable and I’d have damaged my kids even more by subjecting them to living in an awful environment for longer. Stay strong and keep going, you’ve made the right decision.

jeaux90 · 23/11/2025 10:51

I’ve been a lone parent for 15 years. I would not go back, your DC were being taught bad relationship dynamics and you leaving showed them you are not prepared to put up with that. It will be a period of adjustment.
Do you have a CAO in place? If not get one.
Only communicate with the ex on logistics to do with the DC, keep it non emotional and don’t respond to anything else.
You need to knuckle down whilst you go through the adjustments with the DC. It will be fine and the Pros on your list are the things to focus on. The cons or your list will get better as the DC adjust and you start using grey rock on the ex.

PartBusy · 23/11/2025 10:54

Some adults are not suited to be parents or to marry.

Iremembercandlecove · 23/11/2025 10:56

It doesn’t sound like it’s worse tbh, just not massively better because this road is also hard. No-one likes change.

sesquipedalian · 23/11/2025 10:57

OP, my ex was abusive and actually violent towards me, yet there were times when going through the divorce (which he made as difficult and protracted as possible) that I did question myself. Now I’m many years on the other side, with a wonderful DH and very happy - my life is so much better than it would have been had I stayed. I would agree that there’s no such thing as an ideal divorce, and I have always felt guilty about the DC because I never wanted my own chicks to come from a broken home - but I can’t think you walked out lightly. I’m struck by your line, “If I listed the behaviours from my ex MN would say LTB but life is worse now unfortunately.” - your DH’s behaviour isn’t suddenly going to improve, I’m sad to say, or if it does, it will only be temporary- leopard, spots etc. After I was divorced, I did miss my ex’s family, and family occasions when the DC would all go off to be with them, and there will always be some regrets, but ask yourself, OP, what exactly you would be going back to. Even a palace is a prison if you’re trapped with someone who treats you badly.

arethereanyleftatall · 23/11/2025 11:00

It will get better.

this is the hardest time for you and you’re only remembering the good bits of being together

write a list of 10 reasons you split and keep referring to it

I know it’s a lot to do with the fact that my finances are fine, but I absolutely love living with just me and the girls, as do they now. Our house is only full of joy, happiness and comfort. It’s home.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 23/11/2025 11:04

Your words 'when it was bad it was very bad' and the fact his behaviours were appalling makes it v clear you didn't make a mistake. This is not to say I don't think sometimes people are a bit too hasty - just that it's clear you weren't.

This is an adjustment period so it's bound to be difficult - that's the nature of divorce.

Please don't try again, it won't work and a second separation really will mess the kids up.

The kids are allowed to be angry, it doesn't mean you made a bad decision - it does mean you need to allow them their emotions (while expecting reasonable behavior) while supporting them, with external help if needed. They may always be sad about it, but that's life - the anger will pass.

Use the time you aren't with them to build up a life and a support network, actively doing that will help you settle quicker.

attheheartofit · 23/11/2025 11:06

Having been where the OP is I would agree. I left and wish I hadn't. Like OP we could have good times, but in general it wasn't great. However, the struggle I put Dd through by leaving could have been avoided. Also financially I have started from scratch due to nothing being left after divorce. I'll never be in the same position financially now due to health problems. If I'd stayed we may have now been quite comfortable. However hindsight is a great thing. At the time it seemed the right thing to do. Now I'm friends with my ex, but we can never go back to bring a couple.

pickledpepperpete · 23/11/2025 11:07

It gets better OP.

you’re adapting to a new normal and that takes time. I called time on my marriage 3 years ago and outwardly I gave up a very comfortable life.

inwardly I was miserable, bone achingly lonely and frustrated at my life, so I tried and tried until I couldn’t anymore and it was the absolute right decision.

im a single parent now to my young DC and have a 50:50 parenting plan with my ex- husband. I miss my children terribly when they’re with their father but I feel I’m a much more present and balanced mother now when they’re are with me. I’m no longer miserable, angry and frustrated at being a lone married parent.

I left so I could be the mother they deserved.