To think that it’s sometimes better to stay in a bad marriage?

[Bookishworm]

Recently separated and life is so much harder, kids are angry and navigating the break up, life is more complicated, ex is difficult, more grief and sadness and I only see my kids half the time 😔

I am filled with guilt at being the one to leave and break up the family, it really would have been better all round if I had never left and sucked it up so to speak. It wasn’t awful all the time and we could have some lovely moments together. But when it was bad it was very very bad.

Life really is so much worse than when I was married and we were all together. I have so much regret and think that it would have been better to have stayed (I did have valid reasons for leaving)

I think because the marriage was unhappy and toxic I felt like I would feel relieved and happy that I’m free but it’s the opposite. Life feels so hard now.

Can I ask if someone else helped you decide to leave?

Children are not resilient, they suffer from a broken family.

People should accept that some are unsuited to marriage.

The first year after my break up was really rough for me and the kids but it does get better. Im 3yrs out now and honestly can't believe I didn't leave him sooner. Things will calm down. You and the children will settle into the new normal. And you will feel that happiness and relief.

Leaving/divorcing is very hard, but it is worth it. Think about the rest of your children's lives - they won't have to live in an unhappy abusive home, which WILL affect them emotionally, developmentally, and in relationships for the rest of their lives. You've done the right thing.

The process isn't easy - but that's like saying losing weight to become healthy isn't worth it because the process is harder than staying the same.

How old are the children?

Because you should not let them think that the marriage break up was your fault because you were the one to leave. I don’t mean bad mouth ex - although I am not against factual responses - but just point out one of you needed to make the decision to change things

Obviously how and what you say depends on their ages.

You have the time to build up your job/career, look after yourself and invest in friendships.

Don’t look back you are showing the kids that it’s not inevitable to stay in a toxic relationship- they might be cross with you just now probably influenced by the ex - but they will understand

Its hard

It's new and unsettling. Emotions are going to be raw. Everything is tough as you all try to find your routine again and navigate what your family looks like now.

Your children need someone to blame and right now, you're the easy one. In time they will hopefully realise that what you did was strong and brave and tough.

Your children will know it wont have been a good marriage. They'll have picked up on it. They might not understand it yet but you've shown them that they dont have to put up with things they don't like and that they deserve to have relationships that make them happy. That's a really positive thing.

Remember what the reasons for leaving are.

Try and stay civil with your ex to lesson the blow.

Good luck.

It's early days OP.

The dcs will settle, you will start to see the benefits soon. You have NOT made a mistake.

You have to trust the process and trust that your DC will understand the decision in time. You have to trust that modelling an unhealthy relationship would damage them more. No one can guarantee it will work out but that's being an adult, isn't it? We make a choice and trust it's the right one.
(But that's exactly what abusive relationships destroy: our confidence. I left my marriage second guessing absolutely every decision or thought I had. Perhaps that's what happening to you. It will pass.)

Well yes, to an extent life will be harder - certainly initially. There's only one of you now with all the responsibilities and finances that were shared. You've also lost a companion and someone to share holidays and a social life with. Even though your marriage was toxic, it's still a mighty wrench and your whole psyche needs to adjust. How long have you been seperated OP? How old are the children? It will get better and you will adjust to the "new normal" and once you do you really will realise that you did the best thing for you and your children.

You left for good reasons. Don’t ever doubt yourself. You deserve to live a happy, peaceful life. Your children will grow up and understand why you had to leave (he’ll start to treat them the way he treated you). Hang on in there. It gets better. Loads better!

I agree. I absolutely despair of the rush in to say LTB on here when someone posts that their DH has been a bit selfish or rude or forgotten their anniversary. No one is perfect all the time. No marriage is happy all the time. You work on it. You discuss how to improve it. You make efforts to have fun together, as a family and as a couple. I'd only leave if DH was actually abusive or controlling mentally, physically or financially. Otherwise, I would - and have - put in the ffort to sort out the issues that drive me insane.

But OP, things will settle down. DC will get calmer and life will improve from the initial fall out.

You’re not unreasonable to feel however you feel. It’s a journey and a difficult one, hopefully in time you’ll feel differently.

Your children are angry - now
You are upset - now

You know better than anyone how much a bad relationship can impact your life, how it can impact every part of your life, the rest of your life - you have a responsibility to your children to not raise them in that environment, not teach them to accept bad behaviour in relationships or behave badly themselves. Keeping your kids in that environment would be wrong, you would be letting your kids down. Imagine how devastated you would feel later in life to see them in bad relationships. You have done whats best for them, even if it doesnt feel like it right now.
There is no point having a comfortable childhood if it comes at the cost of thinking its normal for people in a relationship to hate each other and treat each other badly.
Children dont like brushing their teeth, we make them brush them so that their teeth remain healthy throughout their whole life, not just so they are clean today.

Each to their own but I would never remain in a toxic relationship nor expose my kids to one

But if it is possible, you can try to detoxify it. Not if your partner is unwilling to see the problem or resolve it. But I think a lot of broken marriages could have been resolved. And as OP says, being a single mother has its own hardships and genuinely very tough issues to deal with - for both parents and the children.

I think if you ever find yourself in this position it's a shitty situation all round.
You stay, you suffer. You leave, everyone suffers.

I'm not saying you should never leave as a result, I'm saying it's a shit situation either way, and I really feel for everyone involved.

What I don't like, is people encouraging you to leave by saying that the kids will be fine, you'll be so much happier etc. That can take years, and can definitely be worth it long term.

Unfortunately though divorce is always hard on children, there's no getting around that.

It takes time to recover from a bad breakup and rebuild. And yes, that time can be harder and more painful than the original bad relationship was. But can you ask yourself honestly that your reasons for leaving were exaggerated? Can you honestly say that your bad relationship would not have impacted your DC and imprinted those bad patterns for their future relationship?

You don't get happiness thrown into your lap when you leave. You have to work, rebuild, take stock. But it's worth it. Think long term. Look back in a couple of years and see how you feel then.

Well then it’s no longer a toxic relationship. So not relevant to the thread.

But I would never remain in a toxic relationship nor expose my kids to one.

Can you afford to have some counselling?

It's really really important that you don't rush into going back and trying again.

I agree that people need to be aware of the reality of how hard separation is and it's normal to have those wobbles and moments of doubt as to whether you did the right thing.

But you did do it, for good reasons. And went through the worst bit. If you go back and remember how bad it was, will you have the strength to do it again? And flip flopping will be worse for your kids.

It will get better and they will adjust.

I don't think it's ever better to stay in a bad marriage. Maybe a mediocre one, but not a bad one.

YANBU I expect most of MN to disagree with me, but depending on how bad it was, there is a chance it would be better for the children if you’d stayed. Now they are in the position that they still have to deal with his toxicity but they have to do it alone, without the support of their other parent, and they have to cope with all the shit that comes with a break up and living between two different homes, and the possibility of step parents on top.

What’s best for the children isn’t always the same as what’s best for their parents.

I have one thing that I remind myself off when I look back as a single mother. Then I pat myself on the back and say forwards and upwards.

Life really is different. Some parts suck. Single motherhood is very hard. This week, after not seeing dc since May. He called ds1, then he took all three dc out. Ex refuses to talk to me. Wouldn't confirm if he was coming or what time he would bring the kids back. Ds1 told him he must tell me what time he will return us. Ex tried to wiggle out, but ds1 wouldn't have it. Ex finally said 15:30. Ds1 is 12 years old. Imagine that.

Life is still easier and safer this way. I'm very anxious and counting down to 15:30. He has never harmed the dc physically and they were very happy to see him. It is a calculated risk.

The total amount of worries is less. There is new crap coming my way. But I organise and deal with it my way. Dealing with spiteful ex is hard. Being financially poorer (but having more money than before), is freeing. I decorate my home, how I and my dc want it.

Society sees single mother hood as a bad thing. Children hurt when their parents split up. That is normal. It is something they need help with handling. Have you told their school? I told mine one.

I think it is hard to say. Of course, with abusive men - no one should feel they have to stay.

With other problems, I don’t think anyone should feel they have to stay but equally I don’t think it is awful if they do. I think of it as a bit like work to be honest; people stick with dull jobs because the misery caused by not having one at all would be too great. Adults do not-fun things all the time.

I’ve had some hard times with DH and I have thought about leaving although we are in a very good place right now. But overall the misery of being a single parent has always stopped me.

I’ve had counselling and the Counseller actually said she’s not supposed to have an opinion but she told me she didn’t think I should go back. I’m also not sure how it would work with regards to returning to the family home, would ex see it as his house now? He’s very territorial about his space, I’ve visited since and it’s a weird mixture of teenage gamer deco and middle aged/elderly woman (his mother) It’s weird 😆

Also not sure how it would work with DC if we got back together, would it be confusing? Would they actually want us back together? We would have to tread carefully.

That’s what worries me. The DC dealing with his toxic behavior or the inappropriate stuff he says. He’s since said he can get away with more now (swearing etc) now I’m not there to pull him up on stuff!

Going back wouldn’t help, what’s done is done and now it’s got to be about damage limitation and making the best of it.

Even if you went back with all the assurances that it would be better, it wouldn’t be and you’d have to go through the same heart ache all over again.