To think that it’s sometimes better to stay in a bad marriage?

[Bookishworm]

Recently separated and life is so much harder, kids are angry and navigating the break up, life is more complicated, ex is difficult, more grief and sadness and I only see my kids half the time 😔

I am filled with guilt at being the one to leave and break up the family, it really would have been better all round if I had never left and sucked it up so to speak. It wasn’t awful all the time and we could have some lovely moments together. But when it was bad it was very very bad.

Life really is so much worse than when I was married and we were all together. I have so much regret and think that it would have been better to have stayed (I did have valid reasons for leaving)

I think because the marriage was unhappy and toxic I felt like I would feel relieved and happy that I’m free but it’s the opposite. Life feels so hard now.

My exhusbabd was the one to leave. I was devastated even though the marriage was actually awful. In the run up to Christmas he wanted to come back. I took him back. We lived a weird life where he kept his flat but came home to the marital home frequently and played happy families. With hindsight this was the period when his girlfriend had dumped him. We went to marriage guidance. He got tired of playing happy families ( the girlfriend was back) so I had to pick myself and our very confused, very young children off the floor all over again. You've made huge strides Op. Keep going. My life 30 years later is absolutely fantastically fabulous.Being a single parent is bloody hard. It will get better.

This is brilliant advice. Do exactly this.
Your updates show that you made exactly the right decision.
A lovely home is nice to have but you can make your new home equally as lovely.
It sounds like your children are in their teens. They will adjust to their new norm and as their Mum can you sit them down and have an honest conversation with them about why you had to end your marriage.
It's a very courageous move. Don't let him make you second guess yourself.
Going back would only be beneficial to him.

He's giving you a hard time. He punishing you. That's the type of man he is. Don't go back.

There's a saying - If you're going through hell, keep going.

Moving forward is the only way to get through it.

Its hard now but you've done the right thing. You're showing your kids what is important, treating people.well and doing your best to keep them safe and happy, even when that's hard short term.

Kids know when there is tension even if you think you're hiding it well. Many say they wish their parents had split earlier rather than live with that.

And is that the example you want to set them, putting up with a horrible partner? That that's all there is to aspire to? That they should also put up with that behaviour from a partner?

I think you should listen to the counsellor.
And yes I think it would be confusing for the kids if you go back.
You've come this far. Hang in there x

short term shit for long term gain... thats the only way to describe it. life is too short to stay in a terrible marriage / relationship!

Kids shouldn’t have to live in a house where two people are on edge and can’t be around each other. What you did was brave and just had to be done. And better your kids are angry now then wondering why mammy and daddy just can’t get along and hoping!

It depends on what you consider a bad marriage to be.

I stayed in my first marriage until our ACs were married, but there was absolutely no abuse etc.

The while thing had just run out of steam. So I left it at 46 and had a very happy second marriage, until DH died. 😊

I wouldn't go back, dealing with him will get easier in time, and once your kids are older you never have to speak to him again. If you go back you'll be stuck with him, and he'll probably treat you even worse to punish you for leaving.

Something that doesn't get talked about much is that It takes time to get over a relationship, even a soul destroying abusive nightmare. There is a period of what seems like confusing and misplaced grieving for the old life. It doesn't make sense and took me a long time to feel ok and appreciate that I was much better off.

We favour familiarity. Sometimes we make bad things familiar - abusive relationships, addictions etc. It's odd but you have to break the pattern and keep it broken until your new life becomes the familiar pattern.

We know objectively that bad relationships destroy us. It's very confusing that we feel better with them than without them. It's a biological process. I won't write an essay. It's related to dopamine and the role it plays in making it so hard to leave an abuser and stay away.

OP stay away from him. Accept you will grieve for the relationship, no matter how crazy it seems. Accept this is a necessary phase to push through. Accept that it hurts now and that's normal. Believe you will get through. You might not know how you'll get there but you will I promise.

Focus on the present. Day by day, hour by hour or minute to minute if that's all you can manage. I'm sorry you have little real life support but you can come here to MNs who really do know what you're going through. Although every situation differs, there are broad patterns that we recognise and can advise on.
❤

I totally agree. I’m also so much poorer being divorced (13 years now). Had we stayed married, we could have retired by now!

I agree with the poster that said unless it’s an abusive marriage, divorce is rarely a positive for kids. Single parenting is hard. Very hard.

Put your big girl pants on. You're a fucking goddess. Perfect words. Of course it's shit he has them half the time. No words of advice on that. But from experience life is immeasuably better once you are through the worst. Living with domestic abuse is to live in hell and you aren't there anymore. Keep strong, keep hopeful.

It’s not necessarily the case that everybody suffers.

I was the child in this situation and benefitted immensely from no longer living in a household witnessing a toxic relationship.