Convince me about "Let Them"

[MrsChrimbo]

I am hearing "Let Them" by Mel Robbins referenced everywhere and I need convincing.

I have listned to Mel R quite a bit, and I listened to her podcast about "Let Them". However, based on this I didn't read the book.

From what I gathered, I came away thinking that "Let Them" seems a bit of a cop out, and a bit defeatist. It felt like it was letting people behave badly and get away with it, have their own way, when I have only just learnt in life to stick up for myself and pull people up on their poor behaviour, and then convincing yourself that you are the bigger person.

So, please tell me IABU and wrong, and tell me how you see and use "Let Them".

I read the book - wasn’t impressed. Probably the more empowering part is the ‘Let me” where you think about how you will respond to situations that are created by others, but still not worth the money IMO.

I think it is all very meaningless and nothing particularly wise or new

it is just a new way to say “pick your battles”

it makes sense to sometimes stop and think and decide to just ignore something

that is all

We had this same thread only a few days ago.

I think what she means is 'let them' get on with being cunts. You can't change them. You can only change your reaction to their cuntiness. If you get angry or upset because they're cunts then you are allowing them to have power over you

For me, I choose my battles. So if someone is vile enough that I DO NOT want to 'let them' and I WANT to say my piece and have a go, I will.

Usually I can't be bothered. I know that nothing I say or do will change them. Therefore allowing them 'letting them' be who they are and NOT allowing them to upset/anger me, works best (for me)

Let Them is just a social media friendly sound bite. It's just a regurgitation and simplification of ideas and theories that have been around forever. Plus it's very western individualistic.

No idea -have read dozens of self help over the years so usually feel I’ve heard it all before so don’t bother with them now.
however I heard someone on the radio the other day recommending you do self-affirmations and found that helpful.
So you are saying to yourself ‘that cake you made was really good’ ‘that joke you told was quite funny’ ‘that coffee meet up you went to went very well’ ‘ I have some lovely friends’ ‘
im very patient when I need to be’ etc etc
so you are filling your head with nice optimistic things about yourself, not what others did or didn’t do !! - (and trying not to think about it)

Found the previous thread, might be worth a read. The op there associated it with mlm which wouldn’t have crossed my mind. I agree it’s more like pick your battles. Some things I will absolutely defend myself on, some times it’s not worth it/the other person isn’t worth it. Can’t argue with stupid.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5443878-to-assume-all-that-endorse-the-let-them-saying-are-working-for-a-mlm?reply=148609059

I think the best part in the book is the “let me” part. It makes you focus on your behaviour and actions when you realise someone is being nasty to you. For me let them doesn’t mean that you literally let them walk all over you but that you let go of trying to change and control what other people do and you focus on considering what is in your power to change. I wish the book had focused on that a bit more. Overall, I’m finding it very helpful in certain situations.

Not sure why you need convincing though, if you don’t find it helpful, move on.

I haven't read the book but I assume it's a rehash of the approach of actively choosing where and how to spend your time. You can't change people, just how you respond to them and choosing to let someone get on with whatever behaviour you dislike and stepping away is a perfectly valid choice. Let them get on with it and minimise its impact on you.

Marcus Aurelius

"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this, and you will find strength" and "The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury". It's basically that but with personal stories. Nothing wrong with it at all and the stories are quite powerful. Putting a lid on jealousy and detaching from overthinking. Let me is the real message and it's old philosophy reserved and that's okay.

See I adopt it in situations where someone’s behaviour is going to affect me if I respond and it’s pointless for example dealing with my shitty dad after years. Let him. Why try to explain why he’s crap. He doesn’t listen never has and all it does it stress me out. So by letting him means I’ve let go and I am protecting my peace. It doesn’t work in all situations. That’s just one example

For me it’s been helpful in dealing with difficult relatives - where previously I was desperately trying to keep the peace, worried about them getting angry or stopping talking to me or whatever, now I remind myself that actually I don’t control their behavior, I’m stressing myself out by trying to, and ok if they want to have a tantrum I’m going to let them. I don’t control whether or not they have a tantrum, I just control how I react to it.

It’s nothing new or especially revolutionary but obviously it resonates with some people.

It’s a book that could have been a blog post, but actually I’ve found it helpful in day to day life on not focussing my energy on people who are dicks.

Some of it is a counter to the people pleasing default. “If someone is going to be annoyed that you’ve said no, let them”. It also encourages taking responsibility for your own part in things and the choices you’ve made, rather than just being pissed off with other people.

I’m not sure it works with large or complex problems so much.

But Mel is a grifter. Good luck to her.

Yep this!

Let them just replaces f**k them which is how my mum would have put it, or 'dont dry for them ' which was another one.

To borrow a phrase from Brexit, it’s like “Other people have sovereignty too”.
You want to do that, fine, I’m not stepping into your crazy. I am over here making sure you can’t drag me into your crazy, and I am doing my own stuff.

I didn’t like parts of the book, and everything Mel says is a re-hash of theories and approaches that have long-existed.

However, she has a talent for doing so pithily, often in a single phrase, that can resonate more than the longer theories.

I have found I do keep ‘Let them. Let me’ to the forefront of my mind in a way that allows me to act, more so that I did before. So I value that.

She also makes her theories readable / digestible by sharing personal experiences. She has a knack for making her life relatable (even tho it’s clearly not! She’s now a multi-millionaire or whatever!)

The parts of the book I didn’t like extended to how you treat young adult children ie not stepping in to support them in times of trouble. She had some relevant points but I didn’t find it workable or right.

It's realising that what other people do is about them, their thoughts, perspectives and not about you.
So don't internalise it/ respond to it/ fight back
Just drop the rope

Trust me ‘let them’ doesn’t work if you have a certain personality type causing your issues (narcissistic who won’t give up and can’t cope with losing their supply). If you ‘let them’ they just absorb that and try harder to sabotage your life, leading to huge escalations so easier to deal with it earlier than passively go along letting them and hoping they’ll give up.

From what I gathered, I came away thinking that "Let Them" seems a bit of a cop out, and a bit defeatist

That is addressed in the book. There are two parts - the first is let them, the second is let me.

As in, you can't control how others react but you can control YOUR reaction to it (your reaction is the 2nd part). None of this is new- its stoicism/ buddhist philosophy

I've used this in the last year to walk away from people / groups who weren't treating me well. It's a cliché but it opens up space for people who will treat you well, and also gives you space to find your self worth.

Yes, but as per the book, you would let them have a tantrum and then cut off contact (thats you controlling your reaction to their negativity). The second part is "let me" which is explained the book so it would work. Let them doesnt mean give them whatever they want lol

The premise of the book is a) show.me who you are and I will decide my involvement with you b) I can't change you and your behaviour but I am in control of my behaviour and reactions. I think this is all really useful and helps you mentally untangle toxic enmeshments with family, for example.

That’s not what ‘let them’ means. The opposite in fact.

For the person you describe, you don’t invest energy in pointless interactions.

Instead you work on ‘let me’ and decide what action you’ll take eg limiting contact, saying no and not worrying about the consequences, or taking your energy and time elsewhere.

From experience, Let Them / Let Me works perfectly in such scenarios

I agree with this, it doesn’t mean it’s not hard, it can be really emotionally difficult to make these choices but in the longer-term you’ll be happier

I think you have misunderstood the theory though. What did you do for the let me part in this situation? That’s the most important part where you will actually see the result.