Convince me about "Let Them"

[MrsChrimbo]

I am hearing "Let Them" by Mel Robbins referenced everywhere and I need convincing.

I have listned to Mel R quite a bit, and I listened to her podcast about "Let Them". However, based on this I didn't read the book.

From what I gathered, I came away thinking that "Let Them" seems a bit of a cop out, and a bit defeatist. It felt like it was letting people behave badly and get away with it, have their own way, when I have only just learnt in life to stick up for myself and pull people up on their poor behaviour, and then convincing yourself that you are the bigger person.

So, please tell me IABU and wrong, and tell me how you see and use "Let Them".

This exactly- lots of people slagging it off when they dont even understand what the concept is and have got it completely wrong!

Let them does NOT mean people can just walk all over you and you do nothing about it- what kind of garbage people pleasing theory would that be?

As a non- Western person I couldn't identify with it at all. But then there's quite a lot of parenting that I do differently.

I’ve found it massively beneficial and Mel really accessible. You are not going to change people. You really can not change anybody or make them do anything. That is reality. It’s quite arrogant to think otherwise and a pointless cause of stress. She also says people have to want to do anything, if they’re not doing it it’s because they don’t want to. I’ve found it hugely helpful in many aspects of life- work and my ND teen/ young adult kids struggling with mental illness. I follow her on Insta and have read the book. There is video of a Tedtalk she did that is very good somewhere and it sticks if you don’t want the book.

Not sure why you want to be convinced though. There is a reason why people have it tattooed on their bodies,others find it life changing. You don’t, It’s not anybody’s job to convince you.

The let them and let me go together.

What if it all works out- is great too.

Cutting off contact can anger them and if it wasn’t their choice they react badly. Very badly. It just didn’t work for me at all.

So true. However I think Mel fails in not spending enough time on “let me” in her book. It’s clearly caused people to misunderstand the theory. Maybe we’ll be getting book two published soon - Let Me.

So then limit contact or impose strict boundaries. I've dealt with narcs myself and the only true way to deal with them is complete no contact.

If you cant or wont do that then limiting contact and imposing strict boundaries is the only way.

There is no magic formula to fix these people and no author in the world can tell you how to do that but the point is- you arent accurately describing what the let them theory is. It's not what you seem to think it is which is why people are pointing it out.

Yes, very true. Although I am a little surprised that people seem to think someone brought out a highly successful book that advocates "letting" people do all kinds of horrible shit to you and you just sit there doing nothing! coz LET THEM 🤣

Chapter 1- your friend wants to steal money from your purse- LET HER!

I know!🤣

Im hoping she’ll bring out one on applying it to parenting.

She also needs to produce something on ADHD which she and her children have.

I don’t think you quite understand- this is what I did . In that time I was reported multiple times for things I hadn’t done and even arrested. Had various parts of my life completely sabotaged all because they lost their supply. Me being NC etc just made them angrier and more determined.

Does she advocate for this? Surely it's about allowing yourself to let things go and not wasting energy on people whose behaviour has a negative impact on you. In this case you could choose to call the police rather than tackling it yourself and let them take the consequences of their actions as well as cutting them out your life.

I haven’t read the book, but I do feel that always letting people get away with bad behaviour is very lazy.
Two occasions in my life stand out for me, when people (not family) calmly suggested to me that something I had done (or hadn’t, in one case) had resulted in a negative effect on them, and made me realise that I had been out of order.
I apologised to both, and rectified the situation and my behaviour to take this effect into account in future.

Both of these were when I was in my early 20’s, and I’m in my 60’s now. If those two people hadn’t taken the time to explain why my action/inaction was unacceptable, I may have continued my life without realising, and upsetting all sorts of other people, so I have always been grateful that those two people didn’t just let me continue as I was…
I’ve also done similar to others E.g. when overhearing DS’s friends talk about getting home without being able to pay for the train fare and discussing jumping the barrier at the main station after visiting us, I pointed out that as they were over 16, they would be caught, fined and have the possibility of a criminal record hanging over them, and that would affect them negatively as they left school Etc. I followed this up by accompanying them to the station and buying them tickets home.
DS ran into one of them recently (he’s now in his early 30’s) and he mentioned to DS that I had “saved” him, as he had learnt a lesson that day, and is now a successful policeman!

It’s powerful if it works for you, as it does for me. And it’s basically the premise that you can’t change other people only yourself. Hold your boundaries. No im not up for that but you crack on I’ll be doing x instead/going somewhere else/minding my own/going NC, whatever it is that means you have respect for yourself.

However, it’s not some original notion by Mel she’s just a very good marketer, and fully agree it’s a podcast segment that absolutely does not need to be a book.
Just common sense. Don’t absorb other people’s fuckery. The end.

I only listened to the podcast. I didn't find it convincing. But I never find self-help gurus convincing given the vast panoply of human behaviour.

I haven’t read the book or listened, but a close friend was obsessed with it a year or so ago and kept trying to foist it on me.
It would be if I ever had a minor moan about my partner (he’s so slow getting ready and always makes us late to things/he’s not great at tidying up). She would give examples from “let them” but I didn’t find it helpful for my situation. So for example, she told me about the story of her sons prom. I might not recall it exactly right but it was something like, after her sons prom they wanted to go for a meal at some fast food restarant called Avacado Pit, or something. The mum didn’t like this, she felt as they’d all be dressed up fancy, they should book somewhere nice and have a proper experience. It really bothered her that her son and his friends weren’t going somewhere nice after prom. But then she decided to stop stressing over it and just “let them.”
Which is great as ultimately where her son goes after prom doesn’t change her life or affect her day, does it?
Whereas my minor partner problems were things that affect ME as well. So if I just continue to “let him” always make us lye for events, or “let him” leave his trainers in the middle of the living room, it’s still going to bother me isn’t it? So I don’t really get the whole thing to be honest.

But this is the problem with people taking a sound bite and making it a hard rule without using their own judgment.
As a general philosophy, not from Mel but from reading different takes on it, it doesn’t mean not interacting with people or attempting to address behaviour. It just means if people clearly are unwilling to listen, engage or are causing harm, then stop continuing to waste energy on trying to change someone who clearly doesn’t want or is not ready to and focus on yourself. It doesn’t mean drop someone at thr slightest transgression because ‘let them’. That would be weird.

Whereas my minor partner problems were things that affect ME as well. So if I just continue to “let him” always make us lye for events, or “let him” leave his trainers in the middle of the living room, it’s still going to bother me isn’t it? So I don’t really get the whole thing to be honest

The point is stop trying to change him
If he doesnt care enough to be on time for events you care about then he's not a great partner is he?
We tie ourselves in knots trying to be " good enough" so that others like us or love us.
They are choosing to behave like this, it's nothing to do with you and everything to do with them
Find self worth that is not reliant on how other people treat you.

I've stopped
Stopped being " nice", stopped focusing on others, at work I go in, do the job, come home, stopped getting involved in things that are nothing to do with me.

I no longer feel exhausted, frustrated and burnt out

You can’t change him. Let him be late and leave his shoes in the middle of the room.

Let you leave without him as opposed to being late or leave him completely if it bothers you enough. Let Them comes with Let You which is what might be better to focus on.

Your friend explained it badly! The prom example isn’t going to work with your spouse, as you say correctly.

In fact, the spouse element is challenging. Because you can’t quite ‘let them, let me’ as easily as with others, as you can’t separate your lives in the same way (if you want to stay together).

It’s really about deciding where you’ll spend your energy, and how you’ll respond to others eg in the instances with your DH, you might talk to him & set your boundaries around eg leaving at a certain time or not doing something together. You might have to ‘let him’ be unhappy that you don’t go somewhere together or ‘let you’ be ok with turning up somewhere without him & maybe being asked about it. Neither might feel initially comfortable but might be a better solution than what you are currently dealing with.

Cross-posted!

We all learned this principle as teenagers didnt we?

Let him leave the trainers in the middle of the room.
Let me chuck them in the bin next time i find them there/trip over them.
🤷🏽‍♀️

The main purpose of the book is to make money for the author and her team.

She is not revealing some amazing fundamental truth she has stumbled on.

My guess is that she would have brainstormed with her marketing team to come up with the most marketable idea for her new book, which may not have been her idea anyway. But she fronts it.

I’ve not read it but discovered years ago that you can’t change anyone else’s behaviour, only your response to it.

People in my life who continually caused me pain certainly didn’t have an amazing epiphany when I stopped responding to their nonsense. What usually happens is they either double down on their shitness or they don’t engage with you at all. Either way they’re not in my life anymore and this is something you have to prepare for if you decide to “let them”.

It’s basically the AA serenity prayer. In my view.

I agree OP . She seems to have a bit of a cult following amongst a few people including 2 of my
friends group . It seems a cop out to not setting boundaries with people , wherever they do ‘ just let them ‘ . Interestingly the 2 who have bought into this stuff are the two who have always suffered mental health issues . The rest of us just roll our eyes .