Convince me about "Let Them"

[MrsChrimbo]

I am hearing "Let Them" by Mel Robbins referenced everywhere and I need convincing.

I have listned to Mel R quite a bit, and I listened to her podcast about "Let Them". However, based on this I didn't read the book.

From what I gathered, I came away thinking that "Let Them" seems a bit of a cop out, and a bit defeatist. It felt like it was letting people behave badly and get away with it, have their own way, when I have only just learnt in life to stick up for myself and pull people up on their poor behaviour, and then convincing yourself that you are the bigger person.

So, please tell me IABU and wrong, and tell me how you see and use "Let Them".

OK, so I should have used different vocab. I don't need convincing, I am just interested about all the hype. Dealing with people is always a work in progress.

From this feedback I don't think I need to read it as I have already devoured many books over the years, most recommended on here.

Re narcissists. I have had a very nasty narcissist in my life for 30+ years and they caused me a lot of problems. There are also a few chips off this block that I have to deal with as well, narcissists-lite. Then I was recommended on here to read "How To Kill a Narcissist" and I put it into action and since then, this head-narc has not bothered me and has been shut down big time. Worth a read.

As someone who had to build boundaries from the ground up, I’ve found it a helpful shorthand.

For instance, I’m expecting pils for Christmas and it is inevitable that during the course of the day they will say several things that I find … challenging. But it means a lot to dh to have them, and they won’t be around much longer. I’ve lost a parent and I want him to enjoy both of his while he can.

I would rather rise above the little barbs, and maintain my composure and grace, than either ruin the atmosphere by responding, or seethe angrily. Let them helps me let go of the seething, and also the dread.

They’re in their eighties, nothing I say or dh says will change them now. He wants their company for Christmas, and ongoing, and I can give him that.

It’s not about standing up for myself, or not being walked on. It’s about not having my strings jerked about and doing or saying something I’ll regret, and feeling bad before, during or after. All that power gets cut off because I can just let them, and not actually care.

If it was a different situation, where standing up for myself, or chucking them out of my house was a better option, the “let them” piece would kick in at a different point. Maybe I’d let them consider me the worst dil in history. But it cuts short the energy drain that toxic people cause.

Does that help @MrsChrimbo ? It might not be for you, and that’s ok,

It's not a cop out, you stop getting drawn in.
You let them and walk away

I have listened to her podcast a bit, and I think once you hear more about her background it makes more sense why she says these things - from what I recall she was an alcoholic, her and husband ran up huge debts and their kids’ childhood sounds chaotic as a result. She seems to use these strategies to make peace with the situations which she caused using therapy language, and maybe it’s just how she presents it on her show but it feels to me like it is too easily glossed over (I’m not sure if her children have ever spoken about it from their perspective).
The ‘Let Them’ mantra specifically could have been a single podcast episode rather than an entire book. It’s less about letting people walk over you, but more holding firm on your boundaries or disengaging with discussions which will never reach an agreement. For example, telling an alcoholic relative they can’t see your kids if they’ve been drinking, you hold firm on that boundary and don’t engage in further discussion as it would be unproductive.

As always, self-help experts have chaotic, messy lives. Like so many therapists too.

Oops, I musnt have worded this very well. He’s a fantastic partner. These are just very minor moans I’d have over coffee with my friend, a little vent to get it out of my system, but I can see my wording in parts makes it look like it’s a big problem that’s really getting me down. It’s not. No one is perfect and if his only flaws are being a few mins late each time we go out, and not putting his trainers away, I’d say I’ve got a good one. I don’t need to sit here and list all the things that make him amazing of course, but just had to respond as you saying he’s not a great partner is very innacurate, but I can see why you reached that from my post!

Agree, I can’t change him and like I say all this was about a year ago when she was explaining it to me, things are very different now, we have a baby so we are always late for everything anyway, and there’s no room on the living room floor for his trainers as it’s taken up with baby gyms and sensory toys and I embrace the mess, how times change! ❤️

Yes, I think it’s stuff we kind of know anyway but don’t necessarily implement. I do think it is a bit sound bite like, but in a way that is what can be helpful. I know it can’t always work for all people and situations but sometimes when faced by an idiot and I can feel I am getting annoyed/stressed the sound bite Let Them comes to mind. And then I try to think ok, you can respond in two ways here, which way you going to go? And I try shake the annoyed/anxious feeling off. I am peri menopausal so grabbing at anything at the moment but I have found it helpful in some tough moments.

For me it is all about overcoming the urge to people please and dealing with being the codependent person in a relationship. I grew up with domestic violence, coercive control and emotional abuse (father) and was parentified by my mother, and as I result I felt responsible for my mother and her emotional wellbeing. I felt like it was my job to constantly rush round after her and make sure she always got what she wanted so she wouldn't be upset. I'm not sure my mother is fully aware that this was happening and TBH I think it worked for her and she was happy for it to continue. But it was very bad for me. Codependency is all about trying to control other people's emotions and moods.

'Let them' is about learning that it is OK for other people to be disappointed sometimes. It is OK for them to be angry, upset, let down, annoyed. When you are codependent the thought of the other person experiencing a negative emotion is terrifying and causes terrible anxiety, so you try to control the situation to avoid the anxiety. Even on here, posters will frequently say 'I can't do that, my mother will get angry/be upset/sulk' etc. 'Let them' is about learning to be OK with other people being disappointed. Let them have their negative emotions and trust them to cope. Don't set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

It’s hardly a new concept - radical self love and acceptance of reality instead of hanging around being chipped away and and spending your precious resources abc only life trying to convince someone that you should be treated better.

Personally I wouldn't tolerate it, if you have told him it annoys you then it's respectful to make the effort.

I cant bear going out and my friends moan,moan , moan -tell him not me!

It's deeply ironic that "Let Them" was written by Cassie Phillips. Not Mel Robbins. She's just borrowed it, rent free.

I don’t moan moan moan, but we both do like a little vent now and then, feels good to get it off our chests! But if that kind of thing didn’t suit you and your friends, that’s great for you too.

It's incredibly negative and irritating to go out looking forward to a nice meal and friends spend it moaning .
Either come to terms he wont change or tell him.

The let them aspect is I wouldn't really engage but if it carried on I wouldn't be quite so available .
Genuine support, absolutely but moaning, no

One persons negative and irritating is another persons therapeutic. My friend and I both love it so don’t you worry about us any more ❤️

You have misunderstood the whole point.

Edit: I have seen now you haven’t read the book so that’s probably why you don’t have the full picture of what the theory actually advocates.

I don’t think you need to buy the book, you can get the concepts in her podcast and Instagram page. What she’s been able to do well is monetise a theory and make it accessible and simple to understand. It’s the same as choose your battles or accept what you can’t control. Neither of which is new.

However I did come across this after the end of my last relationship and found it really useful to apply and change my thought processes, probably due to the way she markets this not because I didn’t know it already.

So I decided to ‘let him’ live the life he was always going to without trying to people please or change his mind so we were in the same page. In the full knowledge that his behaviour will lead to him being alone and isolated within the next few years and when he realises the consequences of his actions it’ll be too late to change things. And ‘let me’ live the life I want and put my energy and care into people that will appreciate me.
It’s quite freeing as a concept when applied properly.

I see it as a bit like the 12 steps prayer that says "God grant me the courage to accept the things I can't change." I basically see Let Them as suggesting there is no point wasting brain power, energy and emotions on people's actions that you have no control over.

in your case that would have ‘me’ more angry and more determined to cut off there narc supply.
I’m assuming you weren’t charged as you hadn’t done anything.
You can’t keep them happy anyway .. whatever you do….so I hope you have now managed to get away …. Believe me they will find another supply …. Just not you.
Let them do that and you will be at peace
(unless you miss the drama)

So I decided to ‘let him’ live the life he was always going to without trying to people please or change his mind so we were in the same page. In the full knowledge that his behaviour will lead to him being alone and isolated within the next few years and when he realises the consequences of his actions it’ll be too late to change things. And ‘let me’ live the life I want and put my energy and care into people that will appreciate me.

This sums it up brilliantly
In the context of friendships there are always posts about " bitches" who ghost , I always think nah they just don't like you so they move on.

Brilliant…… very clear.

Sorry to gatecrash the thread but what I’m wondering is what the next 10 hours of the audiobook is about. I’ve listened to the first chapter, got the gist of the idea. What else is there to possibly say for another 10 hours!

You absolutely need to go complete no contact. There is no other option here. If they get angry then let them. Staying in contact with such people is not going to fix things either, it just gives them access too you to hurt them.

No contact only works if you stay no contact btw, if you keep going back then no, it wont work. It sounds like you have gone back which means that all they have learnt is- we need to make her life miserable and she'll come back. This means they will never let you go. File a police report for harassment against them.